[moves into new apartment, forgets to bring alarm clock, sets microwave for 7 hours]

This isn’t an April Fool’s Joke. We <3 this story.

a lot of angry people come to my house and yell at me “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HELP THE ENVIRONMENT OFFICIALUNITEDSTATES” and every time i calmly pick up my morning paper from the doorstep, wrap my robe around my legs, take a big stretch, and then tell them about the time in fifth grade when i blew on a dandelion

when I was in third grade I was insanely popular because at the end of second grade I beat up this kid who everyone hated.  it was self-defense because he pushed me when I was on the swings.  anyway, I was super popular now and my class had like 24 kids in it and 22 liked me.  but john and ashley learned to keep their opinion to themselves.  the lunch ladies gave me double helpings of stuffing and mac n cheese.  I sat at a new lunch table each day and all the cool kids still followed and sat by me.  when there were any cool classroom chores like taking notes to the office, I always got to do them.  the teacher let me teach the class sometimes for the whole day, sometimes just for half.  we started getting double recess, and if I put in a request we got triple.  I was always picked first for all the teams, even when I wasn’t playing.  sometimes teachers would give me an apple or an orange just as a nice gesture.  when I had a cold everyone brought in the best kind of tissues the next day.  our class had its own bathroom in the back and everyone else agreed that it could just be for my use.  I hated crayons so the school got rid of those.  we took a field trip to the movie theater in the middle of the day because I expressed an interest in seeing finding nemo

what kind of school did you go to??

elementary

i just used voice to text in google docs to write an entire essay and i feel like i am in the future. i can see the matrix code i am one within the stars that span across the cyberspace

Even now I am typing without lifting a finger. Simply looking up to the sky and allowing poetry to grace my lips and hit th hey bobin rmeneber to clean your room before MOM GET OUT OF MY ROOM

She smelled like hand sanitizer, pure and reminiscent of a hospital.  Her lips were like marble, cold and smooth.  Her eyes were like a stop light, you wanted them to be green but they were red and occasionally yellow.

okay?

This isn’t about you.  Mind your business

FACT OF THE DAY:  mars is called the red planet because during the cold war it sided with the communists

it’s 4:20 you know what that means.  time to go out and milk the cows.  life on a pennsylvanian farm is tough but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

it’s quick, it’s easy and it’s free:  pouring river water in your socks

why would i do that lmao

it’s quick, it’s easy and it’s free

me when feeling suspiciously relaxed: what responsibility have i forgotten

anyone seen this and would you recommend it for a get together with my female cousin? i dont like her or anything - that would be weird. i just want a fun romantic comedy but not because i want to set a romantic mood but because i think she likes those kind of movies.  im not attracted to her or anything. don’t get the wrong idea. is it a good movie she will enjoy? i mean i dont care if she enjoys it that much because we’re just seeing it as friends.  but would she like it? i don’t like her

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0417056/?ref_=nm_knf_i4

What is happening

she’s coming over to my place and we’re going to watch a movie.  i told her i had a good one in mind a couple days ago but truthfully, i didn’t, so i spent a lot of today looking for one i think she might like.  again, we’re just friends. i don’t want her getting the wrong idea. im making dinner too but im purposefully going to burn something so she knows i didn’t try as hard as i could have.  either the potatoes or the carrots.  probably the carrots

E. Grin, i prepared myself but it still hurts (via written-in-pen)

I want someone who will sit on an ice cream store rooftop with me at 2:35 in the morning and will tell me their favorite donkey kong games and their hardest math problems and how they think pianos are made like seriously are they all hand crafted or what

look, people.  i know a lot of you did not make the name list.  i took the names from the government’s top 100 most popular names in the last century.  so the reason why you’re not on there is probably because your name only recently became popular.  i am happy to rate your name if you send me a name off anon but i would also be happy to receive $2.99 per rate

reblog if you hate getting mail because it’s difficult to open the envelope

reblog if you respect the postal service but dislike getting mail

reblog if you’d like about 90% less mail