Share this Bran of luck to get a job without any experience

SLAM

How to keep your girl happy:

Step 1: Make her laugh. Step 2: Make her moan.

Step 3: Buy her food

Step 4: Fuck her hard

Step 5: trEAT her right

Step 6: Make her cum first

Step 7: Play with her hair until she falls asleep

Step 8: Text her back fast

Step 9: respect her

Step 10: make her feel special

Step 11: don’t lie to her

Step 12: Love her with all of your heart

Step 13: kiss her forehead

Step 14: hug her

Step 15 : stay.

Wow the last one hit home

THIS!!!!!!

Listen to her.

*literally just drinks some water*

I’m always a slut for lying in bed for hours on end doing nothing productive.

Kids reading history books 250 years from now would be horrified by something you do routinely

Me to my skin: we’re adults now, let’s act like it.

My wife and I were were talking the other day and, I don’t remember what we were even talking about, but the idea came up that we would need an oreo for. I joked about getting one from my secret stash. This is where she made her mistake. She said “oh right, like you could have an Oreo stash without me knowing about it.”

I’m sorry?

That’s a challenge.

Oreos aquired.

I’m going to hide them in a super simple place at first

But be sure to follow this post while I chronicle all the ways and places I hide them and also how I plan on taunting her with cookies while she can’t find the package

She is out of the house for a moment so it’s time to enjoy a few cookies

And find a new hiding spot

Hehehe

They up there

Normally I’m a Oreos with milk kinda guy, but I’ll take coffee if coffee is available

Now to hide them right under her nose

She never looks under the TV for anything. Tonight when we are watching Halloween Wars I’ll have a big dopey grin on my face

Time to up the stakes. It was fun having em here and hiding them around her while she didn’t know what was happening. Bit now it’s time for her to be in on the game she is playing

Four cookies packed in her lunch. Game on

I’ve been cleaning house today and feeling like I’ve done a pretty good job. Time to reward myself with some delicious Oreos

Aaaaand put them where she would never find them in a million years

:)

Got up early this morning and helped pack everyone’s lunch. Pulling a damn Oprah over here

You get some cookies! You get some cookies! Everyone gets cookies!

Then a devious idea struck me…

I put the remaining Oreos in a baggie to hide by themselves. Now to “hide” the package where it will probably be found…

And pin the actual stash to the inside of the closet wall

If you two weren’t already married I’d beg you to marry her because you two are obviously perfect for each other and I love this post with all my heart

This guy’s dopey grin at his success at hiding oreos is exactly what I’m here for

You like that eh? Well you are going to love today’s installment

Look at that. So sad. So few Oreos left

Guess I’ll just pin em right to the middle of the wall in the middle of the living room. She’ll never find em there

Oh, guess I should put this back up

Bwa ha ha ha! You guys! You guys don’t understand! I was planning on doing this and when I got home and looked at it I was like “aww, it’s too thin. They won’t fit.” I even TOLD my wife this and how I was disappointed that I wouldn’t be able to hide them back there.

But then I looked again. They dooooo

Thank you all so much for the love. I knew y'all would like this, but I had no idea you would like it THIS MUCH. People calling us “goals” and stuff… Man…. It’s kinda hard to take in ya know? Anyways: if this post gets Over 9000™ before I get off work today I will pick up Halloween Oreos on my way home and this will not stop

And, as promised, a dopey grin

Twasnt easy to get the stupid video to load. But I got it and I recommend giving it a watch here: http://keepcalmandcarrieunderwood.tumblr.com/post/179330357103

She is so happy that the Oreo Saga continues. Just look at how happy she is

Came home to find this

But she never looked inside the blue chair

Good stuff, but it’s time for some cookies

Gotta have some while I think about where these guys are going next

Hmmmmm

Got it.

— 3 am thoughts (via suspend)

— words you should recite while having an anxiety attack.  (via jappan)

replacing my heart with another liver so i can drink more and care less

→ William Marin

→ William Marin

mood.

The anti Jennifer Lawrence

Shez a Scorpio lmao

the tone of “not at all”

jennifer lawrence just went into anaphylactic shock

Look at how well you age when you stay in your lane