Fuck. I am such a fucking unlovable person, huh?
i love tumblr because there's always someone who knows how to express what i feel better than me
My therapist has been wanted to talk about me leaving camhs soon. I have had several therapists and she is the ONLY one who actually talks to me and the only person I trust enough to talk about. But I don't know how to fucking word how I feel. And I don't wanna tell her about my relapse or anything that is going on, because then she will tell my mum. I'm having a month break from her, next appointment is the 2nd week of next month. Its gonna go soon, all the support. And then, if I get referred back, I will have someone different. But I know I'm not suriving till my next birthday. I can just imagine myself being so fucking painfully alone for it and I've had enough of those birthdays where I'm alone and I don't do anything other than rot in my bedroom. Its a reason why I don't go to school, because they all have friends and people that cares about them and they want to go out to places while with every single friend of mine I have EVER had, they haven't. I have spent every single summer alone, in my room, not doing anything. When they are ALL out doing fun things and being teenagers. I fucking hate being myself so fucking much.
Anddd thats another reason why I need to fucking shift realities ASAP. Lmfao.
I said smth in some meeting in school before it ended for the year and now my mums constantly checking my arms. ALL I FUCKING SAID WAS THAT ITS EASIER TO HIDE IN THE WINTER. IT WAS A JOKE... kind of. It is, though.
I need to be there. I just fucking need to be. I'm not going to survive much longer here. But I can't stop fucking maladaptive day dreaming like ughhh. LET ME FUCKING GO!!!!!
I can't wait to be fucking loved because I really really want to know how that feels because I know its not gonna fucking happen here cause I am the most unlovable person ever
There is no way in hell that I will live to my next birthday. Its just fucking impossible. UNLESS I FUCKING SHIFT
Why am i still here? I should have been gone now... what am i doing here now?
I wanna fucking shift realities SO FUCKING BAD but I always forget to do it, or my script isn't done but I keep forgetting to do it because I want it in a certain way but then I can't be bothered to do it