myvelouria

I'm so close to

Slitting the SHIT out of my throat

Best time to do it is when I'm drunk

No one will ever know why

No one will ever believe

No one will ever know what you did to me

No one will ever believe because I am older and because I'm more experienced

But

When I die

Which is soon

You won't have a worry, honey. You'll be safe. That's how this world works. No one will ever accuse you. They won't, baby. You know they won't. They'll see me as an oldish young dude who offed himself... No one will ever know or care why...

...

...

...

But you'll know why

You were the last straw for my life

Thank you for letting me leave this world

I just needed that one last push

I needed that one official push to just go off and die

It's okay

I don't believe in an afterlife

I think this is it

I think this WAS it

The time we spent was IT

I mean. The only real time we spent was from December to February

Well.... December 2019 to February 2020.

That's all we were

That's it

2-3 months was it

My babe, I was your rebound

I don't hope the best for you

I hope you suffer and have the worst life ever

Fuck you

And

And, goodbye

Traitor. Abusive piece of shit.

Well... That and I still love you. Whatever that even means anymore.

I hate you

To be made to feel like a trash side character in someone else's love story when I thought it was mine...

Your lies will never end

The new knife I got, I never intended for this, but I'm cutting again... It's actually really sharp

I don't know what to do

I thought it was going to be such a good night when she surprised me!!

Guys! I swear! I was so happy and enthralled!

Guess what though?

It ended terribly

She was hiding more shit from the same guy and he hit her up

I believe nothing

I'm tired of being lied to

I actually don't know how to get over this

Baby, you gave me so many killing blows...

I don't know how I'm still alive

FUCK. On top of that. It hurts so bad when I was blowing you up (BECAUSE you tell me to do that when you're not answering) but because I also wanted to blow you up, that you ignored me, blocked me, got drunk with him and even TOOK FUCKING PICTURES WITH HIM TOGETHER OF YOU TWO DRINKING

Which you tried to hide and lie about. But I know there's more

I just know there's more and there's something more sinister about it all

Fucking betrayed.

I remember the morning I woke up next to you. It was sweet and loving. We had a good time

I went to work and you had said you were going to your grandma's again... I just knew that was a lie.

But I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt

I loved you enough

I had been also saying how you disappear when you go to your grandma's and you stop responding for hours. It's totally out of character and also really shitty of you to do. Cause I remember when you loved me. You always hit me up no matter what. Like a normal girlfriend

But when you started going behind my back, I knew. And so I'd often say "Great, you're going to disappear again" and you said you wouldn't this time. Yet you did. Again. And you tried to say you were talking more and trying to this time.

No.

Cause I went to work. You were messaging and then suddenly you stopped. I sent a message. And then hours later I sent something like "fine don't talk to me then" and you read all my messages at once (they were fucking hours apart you fucking selfish shit, you left me hanging for hours just cause you were doing who the fuck knows what with your ex, I still don't believe you didn't fuck him) and you had the fucking nerve, the audacity to get PISSED OFF AT ME for sending you those messages, which weren't bad, I had said something like you said you wouldn't disappear, and then hours later I had just gotten upset and said fine don't talk to me then. And YOU had the fucking balls to get angry with ME?! You went off on me a bit and said you actually stopped talking to me and were being petty BECAUSE I wrote those messages. Fucking seriously? That's bullshit

You were just with him

I have all the dates

I want to know what you did every single one of those days you made me fucking suffer. I have the dates, times, messages and everything written down

You don't get to fucking hurt me THIS much and me not start writing it down or investigate it.

You're much worse than you think you are

You were the one who was supposed to protect my heart, asshole.

You see? There's nothing but a mass of incidents where you hurt me, betrayed me, lied, manipulated, killed me

I'm sad I can write this much.

If only...

And yet, there's so much more.... Much MUCH more...

And you want me back. Yet you fucked up multiple times after wanting me back by lying and going back to him

Who the fuck are you?

Why do I still love you?

I just remembered

When you were cheating and with him

I noticed your distance and you literally disappeared for hours

And you'd barely respond

I remember being like "hmm" and like "really?"

After you leave me on unread for a long time

And then you tried to manipulate me into thinking that you were only being distant BECAUSE I was saying stuff like "hmmm" and "really" and you said you knew that's what I'd have written and is why you didn't bother opening my message. LMFAO it was bullshit cause I wrote the last message minutes before and you fucked up, you messssssed up. You tried to say you didn't respond as well cause you saw I wrote something like that hours ago, but the kicker was I had just sent it

I mean. I'm just hurt that you tried to manipulate me like that. And yeah, turned out you actually WERE with him. How hurtful. You really wanted me to question my own sanity and sense of self. You really wanted me to damage my own character by making me think I'm a shitty person

I was in the right though, to be the way I was. I fucking knew you were doing shit behind my back. You're so awful.

You're SO awful.

You always used anything you could grab on to to try and manipulate me into making me think I'm a shitty person or crazy, but in reality you were the one cheating.

Fuck dude. I hate that I'm smarter than you. No, I hate that you are this type of person

Love?

You don't love me man.

I don't even know what could possibly help anymore

What a Thanksgiving

Just alone by myself

To myself

To think about how I'm not good enough

To think about all the new traumas you've given me

To write incessantly just to cope

I don't even have any alcohol.

If I don't drink, I write.