I got really high tonight.

And my friends gave me the greatest gift:

They made me feel like I was in a video game. It was the most fun I've ever had.

It really reaffirmed the fact that they're all my friends. That they actually all like me.

Which was a really good thing for me to have last night.

I'm gonna hold onto it.

Oh God I am so LONELY

so these past few days weren't so bad, but today was pretty rough

I was still really exhausted from the sheer disdain I've had for sleep lately. but I woke up and went to lab and got brunch with him like we'd planned. and things seemed fine for the most part.

and I came back and slept until my class. he gave me a ride to and from. we discussed Marx.

when we got back I goofed around in the basement until counseling. It was a big one since we missed two weeks. I caught J up with everything: the breakup, lingering feelings, my desire to not use people but to find security within myself, etc. we talked a lot about how my anxiety is exhausting and irrational. and how it's gonna be hard to overcome. which was kinda scary.

and I kept dissociating because I had one of those fucking stress migraines again.

I guess I'm gonna do my best to take his advice. but I still went to dinner with W tonight, at that bizarre Chinese place from our first date. Weirdly enough, in some sort of parallel to how much has changed between us, the restaurant is an entirely different place now. Like, they still have the same name but the menus are different and there aren't any booths now? It was wild.

I decided to be upfront with what J recommended, and he seemed to understand. I know I hurt him but I would have only hurt him more had I stayed and pretended that I was okay. And he said he's taking a girl out for brunch Saturday. Which seems like a good sign.

But he also said he would like to get back together someday. And I'm worried he'll subconsciously wait for me if I'm not careful. So that's going on.

I also buckled down and asked my dad for financial help today. And he's gonna transfer me some funds, which is great.

I'm going to get my haircut and dyed. I think I need a change.

And I'm trying to get better. I'm still struggling to do simple things, being easily distracted. But I'm really trying to fight back. And that's all I can do, so I'm gonna take some pride in it.

I think things might eventually get better. So that's nice, to have those little slivers of hope again. I hope I can keep that up.