Im alive

Howdy hey, im stoned for one so like ta-da i guess you get a new post!!!

Alrighty, i moved out of my parents, im no longer enrolled in college(still owe them money tho), i’ve got my own apartment with two cats and two partners that i love more than anything. I have a good job, hell i have my own little family. I’ve started going by one of my partners last names(so did my other other partner lol).

mkay so going good, my partners are both apart of the same system(D.I.D) so same body, diff people, which makes things feel more unreal the two that i am involved with are fictives. I understand the process of them splitting and i am 100% on board with dating fictives(I mean who am i kidding i used to write Rick Sanchez smut it fits) I love them for who they are i havent even watched their source. But the only thing im finding that i am having some issues with is that I don’t have anyone other than them to talk to yk? I can talk to them, I do talk to them but sometimes you want to talk about your life and whats going on and its kinda weird to relay you’re entire day to the person that was right next to you...i think honestly i’ve prob done that a few times lol. 

I want people to talk to about being in a relationship with someone in a system, someone that i can relate to..

idk im high, im gonna go now lol

bye byeee~~~

Hi again...

I’m there. I write this while sitting on my new bed, in my new room, with new people, and a new idea for what is to come next. I managed to piss off my dad one last time before he left me here, which in all honesty, I am not surprised. But there is one thing for certain, it was not how I thought it would go and I wouldn’t of had it any other way. Move in was a lot faster than I thought it was going to be, which was nice considering I live on the third floor and there are no elevators. By the end of getting everything set up and ready for me to live in my legs had felt like jelly, past me thought it would be a good idea to get the third floor dorm right next to the stairs to “motivate me to use them” ya know, to get into shape? Past me loves future me but present me hates past me. On the way up the three flights of stairs I had realized that it didn’t actually hurt that bad, that being said I will check back in tomorrow to see if that's still the case. My best friend and my girl friend met today, I forgot how much I missed my best friend. We haven’t been able to hang out together since orientation like three months ago, he’s a lot more touchy than he was then, but I’m not complaining. But I do sense a little bit of tension between him and my girlfriend which I absolutely hate. He’s my person, I don’t want to upset him, I don’t want to stress him out or for him to feel obligated to like my SO, and vice verse for my SO. It’s given me so much anxiety, I wanted them to meet so badly, I wanted them to click, I wanted them to be friends, but it doesn’t seem to be looking that way. It’s gonna make my birthday very awkward.

anywayyy, i went and looked back before I wrote this, Stay hopeful bitches 

-Sam 

Hey, it’s been awhile.

I don’t actually remember the last time I posted on here. I made this account my freshman year of high school, tomorrow morning I am leaving for college. I’m going to major in creative writing. I sit here crying the night before I leave to do something I’ve planned on doing for years upon years, but I have never thought I’d actually get here. Yet here I am, about to move 3 hours away from my family, to a place I’ve never really explored, with only two people who I consider close. I won’t be alone, hell, I have 2 roommates I don’t think I’ll have to worry about being alone for a while. I’ve always wanted to move out, I’ve always wanted my freedom, and I know I can do it, but now I’m hours away from my next big step I am terrified. Actually I don’t think that’s the right word, yeah I’m scared but I’m also excited and proud. I think that’s what it is, I didn’t think I’d make it this far, but I did, and I have a fucking great support system. I might be going in blind, being the oldest sibling of three and a first gen college student but I won’t be going into it alone. Which brings me at least a little comfort. But as I sit here and write this now I realize something. I have wrote like this in a long time, when I started this blog it was because I wanted to put my thoughts out there, in hopes that maybe, someone might feel the same or might be going through something similar, and maybe that someone might find some comfort in the fact that they aren’t alone in it. But there’s a more selfish reason behind this, something freshmen me would never admit to. I write these rants, vents, posts, whatever you want to call them, because it makes me feel better. I write because it makes me feel better, it helps ease my nerves and anxiety. I didn’t start writing because I’m this selfless person who just wants to make everything better. I started writing because when no one else would listen, I could listen to myself. I could put down my thoughts and work through it myself, I could create characters and make them who I wish I could be, I could create friends, I could create a world, one that will through hardships left and right but still have a happy ending. I could create a place where I am happy. I started this post crying, silently sobbing with my significate other on the phone //asleep//. I now continue writing with a newfound inspiration. If no one else is there, if I feel like I //can’t// talk to anyone else I can rely on myself. I can rely on my writing. Fuck. FUCK. I’ve gone through so much shit to get where I am now. I’m not gonna chicken out, I am almost a fucking adult. Why didn’t anyone tell me it’d be this fucking hard to come to terms to. Everyone is always saying how fun it is, how exciting but they don’t mention how emotionally draining this is. I want a blunt.

Ok well, I’ll keep you updated.

I don’t remember how I ended these, 

Sam(not pixey) <3

Did i just have a panic attack because of a memory on snapchat? yes.....

Am i going to cry for the next 4 hours because of it? yes.....

Hey...Are y’all ready for this?

I haven’t posted on here in so long. But something, well rather, someone messaged me and made me think that maybe I should post again. This time it’s a little bittersweet. I’m writing this on 03/30/2020, in the middle of the Covid-19 outbreak, I know I usually don’t put the date but I feel that it’s necessary this time. I’ve been trapped in the house with my family for a week and a half, it is HELL. My family and I have never gotten along for more that like 5 days, were all snapping at each other and theres yelling every night. My dad quit his job, my moms hours got longer, school right now is cancelled until the 17th. I don’t know how I am going to make it till then without loosing my mind. But I have to make it, I haven’t gotten to see my girlfriend or my best friend. I miss them so much, they keep me sane and I haven’t gotten my break to see them. But after this is over, I get to see them. I get to spend the night at Kittys, and I’ll get to hold my girlfriend. Jeez, this isn’t what I had planned for this post. This post was brought on because an old ‘friend’ messaged me. She has done it a couple times, I don’t know when I decide to actually respond, but tiktok says it best “Boi do I fucking regret it”. She keeps asking to catch up, to hang out, but it just makes me think back to the way I was when I was friends with her. It wasn’t a good version of me. I was scared, and quiet. I didn’t speak up for myself and I let people tell me that their problems were more important than mine. When I was friends with her, I had just started to realize that I was depressed, and within a couple years that realization turnt into an attempt. An attempt that landed me in a mental hospital. When that happened, she was no where to be found, there were few people that actually tried to contact me, I was gone for a week, and the people who were actually ‘Worried’ about me, are no longer in the picture. We’ve all changed and the way I changed just didn’t work with them. I started to stand up for myself, I started to speak up, I started to actually take care of myself, and that meant getting rid of the toxic people in my life. And when I lost them, I gained two of the most amazing people, and I will never let them go. They are there for me when I spiral, and while I wish I could say that I trust them, I find that I’m still struggling with my trust issues. But I’m getting there. Things are moving forward. Sh*t, this wasn’t where this post was suppose to go either, I wanted to congratulate myself for coming so far, and get all inspirational and sh*t. But now I’m just realizing that my old friend, the one who wants to get close with me again, isn’t someone I need in my life. She made me feel unimportant, she constantly told me that her problems were more important. I can’t go back to being friends with her, and thats ok, I don’t know how I am going to tell her that I can’t be friends with her again, but right now I don’t think I have to, she isn’t apart of my life, and I don’t owe her any explanation right? Heh, look at me, getting all tough and sh*t. 6th grade me would be so proud of me.

anyway, stay hopeful, things do and will get better

Pixey<3

How FUCKING hard is it to be a DECENT HUMAN BEING

I’ve just got word that my little brother is being bullied bc of his disabilities and i swear to the fucking stars if i hear it one more time i’m going to scare the living hell out of a shit ton of middle schooler. Teachers aren’t doing shit, parents don’t know what to do, but i’m not going to put up with this shit. if you’re not going to be a decent fucking human being im going to make you wish that i was one.

hey,

have you ever just...wanted to be apart of something? i’m sitting here alone waiting for my girlfriend band practice to be over and honesly i wish i was more like them. they’re apart of so many things and i’m just....not. i’m always alone in a sense. everyone leaves, no one ever stays, and i don’t have anyone that is apart of something i enjoy. i’m a writer, there is no team or group, at least none that i know of. i don’t know it’s not like i wish i could be in band it’s just i wish i could be more needed, more known, not so invisible. i’m going to lie, it hurts, for some unknown reason. My chest hurts, i feel like i’m going to cry. i just want to be apart of something, i want to be someone who relates to others on a talent basis, i want to be in a group that is close like a marching band or a football team. even a friend group, honesly i just feel so alone, everything’s temporary right?

stay hopeful,

Pixey<3