The Rod Knee

“hey do you wanna get food, i’ll pay”

I had 3 stitches in my ear today and now my ear is swollen like a balloon

I’m not being racist but if you didnt want your ear to swell up you probably shouldn’t have gotten stitches.

how is that racist

they just said they weren’t being racist do you even listen

no mom i already have a job its called being hardcore

48 years ago a girl said “oh fuck me” to her best friend while walking in the street, a guy who randomly passed by answered by “let me at least buy you dinner first”. I present to you my grandparents, in love since then and celebrating their 47 years of marriage today.

grandpa got game

*sees moon* *remembers outer space* nice

this is literally how i dance

This went from “wow that’s pretty neat” to “WTF ITS ALIVE” real quick

she did that

why do babies need twice as much sleep as us like they literally do nothing all day shouldn’t it be the other way around fuck babies

them: you’re depressed because you never leave the house!! go out and do something fun, you’ll see!! 

me:

SCREAMING

just precisely how bad was 1500s jerusalem at making maps, you ask? well,

this…is a fidget spinner

Reblog if you believe in fidget spinner earth.

always reblog these ads

~

i can’t believe i used to think people my age were adults

the older you are reading this post the funnier it is

“I want to speak to a manager,” the middle-aged woman said in her stern I-used-to-be-a-soccer-mom-ten-years-ago voice, looking down at me over the top of her Gucci reading glasses.

A wicked grin split across my face and the gates of Hell opened up behind me, releasing a gust of hot wind that whipped my apron around my body and forced the woman to shield her face. Demons came forth, dancing around in flames with songs of, “She wants to speak to a manager. Did you hear that? She wants to speak to a manager!” before erupting into earsplitting shrieks of laughter, none louder than my own cackling.

I took in the woman’s look of utter horror before my eyes rolled back into my head and I growled,

“I am the manager.”

a thing for one of my favorite posts on this site

Reblogging this once more because my mom and I legitimately laughed to tears.

this is my favorite video on the internet

mental health tip: save this video. watch it when you’re sad. it’s the best goddamn thing on the internet

I feel like getting my college degree will be simultaneously a relief and extremely underwhelming

“fiiiinally,  i can add a sentence to my resumé“