a relic of a simpler time

vvankinq:

UPDATE: They’ve cottoned on to my intentions and are trying to escape!

RUN FOR YOUR LIVES

MMMMMMM CHOKLIT PEEPOL

This is it. this is attack on titan.

date of origin: May 16, 2013

A sitcom pilot episode that starts with a man incompetently trying to manage his kids. You think "aw fuck no, this is going to be one of those Bumpling Idiot Dad And His Overcompetent Wife -shows". Then it cuts to his wife trying to cook a steak in a toaster. They're both fucking stupid.

Next episode it turns out they're both professors teaching at the same university, he's the continent's leading expert on proto-germanic languages, and she teachers astrophysics. It's just that despite of both being experts on their fields, they're shit at doing anything else. The one mainly responsible of caring for the household, the kids, and making sure that the house doesn't burn down is the family dog.

And it's not a talking dog or a secretly intelligent dog or anything like that. It's just a dog.

The dog, with completely ordinary dog-level cognitive skills, is the most functional member of the family.

Relevant SMBC

THIS IS THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN

I’VE BEEN TRYING TO FIND THIS FOR SEVEN YEARS

DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW HARD IT IS TO ?????

That last fatal scream tho

THE TERROR IN HIS SCREAM OH GOSH

i’m crying

WAAA-

I will always reblog this on the off chance some other poor soul has been searching for it

IT’S BACK

HOYL SHIT ITS B A CK

If there comes a day that I don’t reblog this, assume I’m dead.

wow look at this rare footage of Evan Hanson falling out of a tree.

hungingonahungingonahigigingonasquashedbananahong-

WUUAHH

The dads are right.

Slapping (and sometimes ground spot but it depends on farming practices and season) is the only way to actually find a good melon before cutting into it.

“Gender” isn’t a thing; all melons are grown up ovaries of the flowers, they don’t have a sex let alone a gender.

The stem being dry or green is based on how long ago it was cut, assuming it still has a stem on it when it gets to the store. If you let a melon stay on the vine til the vine dries up, the melon is going to go bad.

Webbing on the melon is the result of inconsistent watering, just like stretch marks and splits on a tomato. It grows really fast when it gets a ton of water after not getting a lot previously. It panics and goes “QUICK BEFORE THE DROUGHT COMES BACK” and puts all that water straight into the melon. It expands too quickly and causes micro cracks in the rind which dry out and become the hard brown webs.

The ground spot is reliable on organic and small-scale farmed melons, including your own backyard-grown melons. It turns yellow as the fruit matures, but in store-bought melons, even a lighter colored spot could still have a nice tasty melon inside because they’re often picked slightly unripe and sprayed with ethylene. They also suck up the ethylene from their ripe buddies and will continue to ripen in the store crate, even if the spot never changes color. So it’s a 50/50 shot in a lot of cases; sometimes, yellow-spot melons in stores are already going mushy and nasty inside because they were already ripe but hung out with their buddies too long and got over-exposed.

But slappin? Accurate all the dang time (except in the field in the middle of the day when all the juices have expanded in the heat). Make a fist. Knock on the middle of the melon (gently, don’t smash him). Sounds kinda metallic and sharp? That puppy ain’t ripe. Sounds hollow and dull? Perfect melon, ready for eatin.

The one exception is if your melons have been on a super long journey, I’m talking been on the shelf for weeks and weeks, then they’re all going to sound hollow regardless of how tasty they are. That’s why early and off-season melons, the ones that get shipped in from other countries, are so hit-and-miss and often not tasty. Because it’s impossible to tell good from bad by slap method at that point, and they were all picked early and ripen off the vine on the journey there, which is never as tasty as if they’re allowed to get ripe before picking/shipping.

So yeah. The dads are right, this chart is garbage, and now you too have secret Melon Knowledge. Go slap some melons, kids.

This is 100% accurate - slap (or knock, but politely!) those babies around is still the most fool proof way of telling.

also idk when the hell the idea of male/female fruits and veg became a thing - I’ve seen similar things said about bell peppers BTW - but that’s not how fruit and veggies work, like, at all. As a long time gardener I beg of you all to just take 10 minutes and read about how plants reproduce.

hamlet slays absolute penis

they hate her for her wired earphones swag

scars in fiction: I got this trying to save my lover from an assassin- but tragically, I was too late. now I carry the mark of my failure with me always, and I can never forget~

scars in real life: so I was trying to open macaroni sauce with a paring knife

Tell me how you got your scars in the tags

I’m 35 now. Also here’s the original doodle

i feel like i just walked past jesus in a hot topic

gonna get into heaven by using crispr to simulate the dna of a good christian, thereby fooling god

Is it impostor syndrome?

This is funniest joke I have ever made in my life and I feel like you guys don’t appreciate that enough

Mods are asleep post baby cats very cute

So while this whole “who is worst Chris? Chris Pratt” stuff is going on. I think it’s also important to talk about Best Chris. And it’s Chris Eccleston.

Reblogging and adding these tags because I didn't know that and it makes the "lots of planets have a north" scene hit different!

The People's Doctor.

edited this pic to make mario not homophobic anymore

hate it when women die #mourning #girlloss #sadgirl #mentalillness

this does not apply to the queen of england

i said women not tapeworms