I’m not okay

Last night I did something I luckily immediately regretted and was able to reverse before my original plan went through. I’m in a very dark place. Every night I go to sleep I pray I don’t wake up. I have no motivation to do anything. I just want my life back, and I know that’s not gonna happen. Maybe tonight I’ll try again.

Ya know what sucks? The fact that I realized my mistakes too fucking late. I was a piece of shit, and I needed to step away to understand everything. But now it doesn’t matter. I’ve lost everything, and it sucks. I wish it was worth trying because I know I can do better. But that doesn’t matter.

It doesn’t matter that I love her.

It doesn’t matter that I want to make her never doubt her life or the love that she deserves ever again.

It doesn’t matter how many times I say sorry.

It doesn’t matter that it was two years.

It doesn’t matter that I realize how awful I was and would give anything in the world to fix it.

It doesn’t matter, and that sucks so much. I don’t want to walk away from this but I have no other choice. I just wish it was worth giving it the smallest shot. But we all know that wishes never fucking come true.

Thoughts:

I’m not okay. I’m having very bad thoughts about myself, and my life. I lack the motivation to do anything. I haven’t been eating, I haven’t been sleeping, I’ve been smoking way too many cigarettes, I cry almost all day. I’m not okay because I love her, so fucking much, and I hurt her. I let her down, I let my own thoughts take control rather than speak about them. If I could wish for anything I would wish to go back and not do what I did, or say what I said. I thought I meant it at the moment, but I didn’t actually feel that way. I let other people’s words and thoughts cloud my own feelings. I love her so much, and to know that she’s hurting, kills me. I wish she would come home, and I wish I could be the one to take that pain away. I wish I could have the chance to actually show the way I feel. To love her every single moment like it’s our last. To not only support her dreams, but to push her towards them. I just want to make this right, I don’t want to give up fighting. I can’t give up, she’s my everything.

1:30am thoughts

My birthday is tomorrow, and honestly, I’d rather die right now. I’m losing my family. I have to accept that. I don’t want to, because I’m madly in love with her still, and would do anything in the world to show her. Just one chance is all I’d need to take this all away, but it doesn’t matter anymore, because I fucked everything up. Just like I always do. I did a lot of soul searching over the last month, and I can without a doubt say I know what I want, and it’s her, but that doesn’t matter either. I let my fears get the best of me. Fear that I’m not good enough. Two years, it’s the longest I’ve ever been with someone, and that scared the fuck out of me, and now look where I am. I’m writing this here because it’ll fall on deaf ears. No one is on my tumblr. I won’t have to deal with people asking if I’m okay, and pretending I am. Truthfully, it’s exhausting. I have no one to blame but myself. It’s my fault I feel like this, it’s my fault I lay awake at night wishing for things to be different. It’s my fault I’m losing my family. It’s my fault that I hurt the one person I was supposed to love forever. I’ve been contemplating hurting myself, but I’d honestly probably fuck that up too. Hopefully I can sleep soon, because it’s been days. Maybe tomorrow I’ll have an appetite and eat something finally. I just hope she’s okay. I hope she finds her happiness, even though it’ll never be with me.

I’d rather be anywhere than here right now. Wide awake and alone with my thoughts. Looks like it’ll be another sleepless night. I should be used to it by now, whatever I guess.