21 | United States

I’ve been thinking about this concept of falling in love quite a lot recently. Mostly, because, for the first time in maybe my whole life, I have found myself in a place where I am conscious of what’s happening in a relationship that doesn’t feel like it’s based on looks or convenience, but yet, intelligence & care:

I’ve been dating this guy for probably a month and a half at this point, possibly 2. And I’m just getting to the point of falling in love. Which is such a funny thing to be conscious of. I’m right on the cusp of like a really good orgasm, but you’re just not quite ready to really relax and let the orgasm take complete control over you and your body. Except, instead of an orgasm, it’s that ooey gooey, melty, smiley, diamonds in your eyes kind of love. But, I’m just not quite in love with him. As I’ve been cautiously mentioning for weeks, if things at the very least, stay as great as they are, she will be falling hard and there will be nothing that can stop her.

It’s a weird thing to be conscious of your irrational feelings about yourself and someone else. All of my previous relationships have been infatuation based interest that have superseded- or not, into these girly giddy crushes on guys who couldn’t be any less deserving of my attention. And he comes around, and gives me the space I need before I even ask for it. He is comfortable enough to joke about pretending to get married to tour open houses. He is comfortable enough where he can hold himself without making you feel uncomfortable or cold. He’s comfortable enough to hold my hand in public.

But maybe falling in love isn’t something you can anticipate. Maybe the anticipation takes all the whole falling in love thing off the table and it transforms into stepping into ones emotions. I couldn’t tell you where this is going. And all we ever hear about is the instant kind of love. The one where sparks are flying the first time their eyes meet. And if I’m honest, if I let myself, I start to wonder if he even likes me. Or if he even cares for me. But I have to stop myself. I have to remind myself that if it’s completely one sided, that’s ok. Because he has been kind & I enjoy spending time with him. And if this doesn’t turn into some magnificent romance, that’s ok.

Feelings are a funny thing.

You’re messing up my sleep, I keep thinking about all the time we spend together & it’s too stimulating for me to explore dreamland.

I woke up to the bed made.

And you’re downstairs doing the dishes.

And my moms there & she’s kind of obsessed with you. I think I might be too.

She thinks that you’re good for me. That’s not something I’m used to.

I’ve been thinking a lot about timing lately.

In a large way and also a small way. It’s funny how actions at the wrong time can be completely irrelevant while actions at the right time can mean absolutely everything.

Hello at the wrong time can quickly become goodbye. Hello at the right time can quickly become another hello, and another. And another.

Vulnerability at the wrong time feels like an over-share. Vulnerability at the right time creates the most precious moment. It brings you closer together.

Timing makes synchronicities seem significant and poor timing makes you miss them altogether.

I’m sure more thoughts will follow after this is shared, but I just wanted to share these.