no vacancy

- note to self

“She tasted like cheap vodka and cigarettes. You wouldn’t think I’d miss that taste but damn I’d give anything to have it back”

I WISH MY SUICIDE ATTEMPT WASN’T AN ATTEMPT I SHOULD HAVE DIED WHENEVER I TRIED

(by Cassandrea Xavier)

At 19 everyone in your society has to go into the cave of fears and defeat your worst fear. You’re the first to go in and find nothing.

A cold chill pulses through my body and I attempt to take a deep breath in that doesn’t show everyone watching how terrified I really am.

“Molly White, please enter the cave.” A middle aged man with balding grey hair and frown lines past his time, gestures towards the engulfing darkness before me, “You will return to us a new member of society. As soon as you have defeated your greatest fear the cave will lead you back to us.”

I take a step foward but hesitate. My breathing becomes quick and sharp, my hands shake by my side. “What happens if I cannot defeat my fear?”

The man grins. Not one of those reassuring smiles but one in which a smile is hiding greater pain. He looks me directly in the eyes and lowers his voice to a whisper, “then I hope you said goodbye to those you love.”

Without another word someone from behind shoves me roughly into the darkness. A deafening scream leaves my lips and I fall to my knees. Breathing heavily I try to crawl back however, where the entrance once was, a rough stone wall now stands. I stand up and hold myself, walking close to the wall. I see nothing, feel nothing, hear nothing. There is nothing. How am I meant to defeat my greatest fear if there is nothing here to defeat?

I walk for what seems like hours, more nervous with every passing second. Still nothing. “Hello?” My voice echoes and bounces back to me. I must be coming to the end?

Suddenly my feet fall out from beneath me. A blood curdling scream leaves my lips as I feel myself falling. Faster and faster. I brace for the impact but it never comes. I’m stuck in my own head, telling myself that this is the end and I don’t want to die. All those thoughts of death that crossed my mind, all the times I hated myself and now it’s happening. I’m dying. I don’t want to die!

Suddenly I stop mid air. The ground reforms beneath me. I see light. I hit the ground with a thud and crawl towards it. My way out. Or so I thought.

I find myself in a room. Dimly lit and filled with a handful of people. “This isn’t the outside world? Where am I?”

They all look up and the man closest to me smirks. “Welcome darling. To eternity.”

I step back slowly, confused and terrified. “Is this my greatest fear?”

He chuckles deeply, “Indeed.”

“A group of people is my greatest fear? I don’t understand?”

He shakes his head. “Don’t you see? Your greatest fear is yourself! And like the rest of us, you cannot defeat yourself.”

I don’t know how to respond. My head is screaming at me to understand but I cannot do anything. Then it hits me. This is my fear. Spending eternity in my own mind. Alone. The only way to defeat this fear is to do exactly that.

The darkness falls around me again and the people disappear. My heart beats and my mind spirals into panic. I scream until my chest burns and my throat is raw. No one can hear me. I am alone. In the darkness all I hear is the same deep chuckle followed by the last words I’ll ever hear, “Welcome to the cave”.

“because i don’t want to” is a good enough reason.

Nobody notices how sad you are until it turns into anger...........now you crazy and need help

I WISH MY SUICIDE ATTEMPT WASN’T AN ATTEMPT I SHOULD HAVE DIED WHENEVER I TRIED

Seeing blood drip down my arms is probably the most satisfying thing in the world

I need to go into the forest and scream for an hour and a half

Big Vibe

sorry for ignoring you i was mentally dead

its difficult being aware of the damage i inflict on myself, watching myself fall apart at my own hands and not doing anything to stop it.