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somehow, everything seems fine with my surroundings as of now, but i have the urge to kill myself again. i don't want to bother people and serve it as i am making myself pitiful while it is nonsense but it's ineffable to those who will just have a judgement towards it * and has an intention to take advantage out of it again if i seek help from them

Unknown

Just everything started to fall into place,

Life exploded around us,

What was left to be salvaged,

Blew up in our face.

As I sit here pondering

Every way I was wrong,

I blame only myself

My touch turns all to dust, forever-long.

Try ad I may,

Love with all my heart

Through all the countless tries,

I‘m tearing everything apart.

The sense of death that surrounds me,

Unfortunately not yet physical

At times is all I see,

As my mind becomes more dull.

The longest time I’ve been alone

Through these past few years,

Dreams of noise, chaos and love that haunt me,

Dreams we all once called home.

My soul continues to fall lost

Into the darkness,

Salvation no longer an option.

I have no others to blame,

For I myself caused this pain.

I belong nowhere, deserve nothing

My simple existence remains in vain.

Self Enemy

My mind goes over all the wrong things I did,

like a cruel flashback,

cutting me like a razor blade.

Self-loathing is a fine art,

the art of cutting yourself dry

and still bleed, bleed in secret,

a perfect lonely torture.

Some days I get it real bad,

memories keep coming,

like hailstorm from dark clouds,

turning me into pieces.

Some days are terrible,

there’s this accusatory voice

that keeps judging me

for all the things I’ve done.

It is hard to love

when the memories of my mistakes

haunt me like a black hound,

barking half-truths.

Some days are ok,

then I manage to be kind to myself.

“Why can I not be kind all the time?”

I guess is the accusatory voice again.

A Battle when I Baffle

There is no end and still in a progressive loop

Of once mind lost in self, lack of trust and hope

A truth in rage of insult furrows my mind

For it is only an offense given to me by myself

In the mouths of others far innocent than I

I feel the tears trickle down my cheeks

For I have surfaced into an ugly mistake

I am always inadequate in this brain

I try to shine like the advice of grace given

But confidence rarely rears its head my way

There’s a sort of shade blocking its way

A shade that darkens everyday

That very shade led me to believe my feelings are wrong

That I will never belong so long as they are not controlled

I must be careful for the lines of love run cold

I hate myself truly this night

And no one but myself will give me the right

The very right to degrade my every being

Because you are not seeing what I am seeing

There is no point

My lines run cold

Can I be so bold as to say

I still love with a pang of indistinguishable doubt

All feelings enter in

As my truth blurs and checks out

Your words pierce me so deep

I cannot describe the pain I feel

God it hurts so bad

It can’t be real

Much like the love I have come to embrace

The very love that links to your face

Tears don’t give it justice

It can’t be real

Much like the love I will never face

A Whisper in Dream

While you sleep I tell you all of the things I keep inside throughout day.

Now that you can hear but not listen I find them much easier to say.

My hopes, my dreams, my fears, and everything in between

Your subconscious hears so keen, or so it seems.

My tongue is soft; I speak so sweetly

Knowing your reaction will never greet me.

Tonight will be different in what I want you to know.

It has everything to do with what I can’t help but show.

I hold no claim to any religion but you’ve given me a place for my faith.

Somewhere it will never stale or lose its lavish taste.

You’ve shown me something I can see, touch, and feel,

And so before it I choose to kneel.

I know I don’t say it but I miss you every day.

Sitting, thinking of the perfect words to be my choice,

Yet when you call I can’t find any of the right words to say.

I’m just happy to finally hear your voice.

Even just a moment is enough to sooth my heavy heart;

Fearing the ends of conversations knowing we’ll have to part.

I’ll never be too far from you, always within arm’s reach,

And in your days of darkness I’ll be the light that you will seek.

I’ll never let you leave too far from me, I’ll stay close behind you in this world;

Secretly protecting what is mine, you will always be my boy.

I only want the best for you so the best of me I will employ.

Faithfully yours, I will always be your girl.

I close my eyes and kiss your soft sweet lips

And see the very best of you in loving bliss.

I see past the physical which makes you attractive

And focus on the things I can’t see in which I’m attracted.

Your thoughts I’d love to hear them all.

Of the things you speak disinterest never makes its call.

My day will come, I know someday I’ll be the only one.

And you I will pursue viciously,

Because I’ve given you the greatest gift I can give, to love unconditionally.

Yes our day will come, I know someday we’ll be as one.

And you I will pursue viciously,

Because I’ve given you the greatest gift I can give… to love unconditionally.

Sometimes, like now, I reach the point where I don’t have the words anymore. I don’t want to feel this alone and helpless, but I just can’t find the right way to express how I’m feeling or the 101 reasons why.
I feel like drawing would help, it would pass a lot of time too. But I have no idea how to show it through that either, I’d just be colouring the entire page black.
I feel so broken at the minute. I want to help myself, I don’t want to be where I am. But my brain is barely functioning enough for me to get beyond that. Words can’t reach me anymore and the friends I’ve told are at a loss as to how to help. It may “only” be mental illness, but I’m very ill. I can feel it. 
I feel ashamed even saying it, but one of the first things I did this morning was call a suicide hotline. How pathetic right? I couldn’t even give the day a chance before I went begging strangers for help. Needless to say, given I’m on this blog, that didn’t help either. Nothing helps. I’m trapped and falling at the same time.

Tailspin

My sondering will be the death of me; yet I find these speculations haunt me down the never ending stretches of highway. I cannot bid them part from me and leave me in peace. Every pillar of smokestack and dirtied, cracked window has a story of many years length, marked by numerous unsung souls, each with their respective novels, each chapter a lifetime in their mind. Every piece of graffiti marking the freeways stirs up questions about who its fated artist was and on what cold night did she venture onto the overpass to leave his mark on this world. It was perhaps the only mark he’d ever leave on the expanse of concrete jungles constructed by others seeking to leave their own marks on this vast collection of creatures, and it would soon be covered up by even more humans seeking to leave their mark. Each dilapidated building, each piece of rotting wood that made up that building… they all had their tales. Every word of their tales blended onto the pages of other’s tales, the words mingling in a cosmic orgy of letters and being. And down these stretches of highway, hundreds of other human beings passed me by. They were mere seconds of my life, barely a grain of sand on my timeline… yet they were their own timelines stretching off down the pavement, crossing the horizon to only God knows where. Even the horizons themselves, changing constantly with venue, had their own stories. Whether they were kissed by skyscrapers or rolling hills, these horizons carried on for eternity, their pages being written by the souls that crossed their borders. The skyscrapers and hills too were biographies transplanted into the Earth. All these thoughts muddle my mind and send me reeling into the arms of space-time, lost among the black holes created by those who have died. We are all just galaxies in constant orbit around each other, sometimes colliding, others never meeting. Yet though we are galaxies, our minds are more extensive than ourselves, larger than even the universe. Our minds are multiverses, criss-crossed by the paths of galaxies and stars and planets and marked by supernovas and the creation of entire worlds in the blink of an eye. So in the end, the universe is not such a big place after all. Each and every one of us, minuscule specks among the ether, is larger than anything known to man. These thoughts shall consume me like an acid; do not be surprised to find my skeleton in a puddle of my melted self.

Midnight Tranquility

A mended heart, once broken Crawling in it's infancy, easily forsaken Yearning to swim again in numbness Home to the unloved and the loveless Surrounded by ol good friends Like palm trees they easily bend Dancing in the wind, they have their fun Deprived of shade, I'm scorched by the sun Charred by the sun raging One bump can stop the feeling Fighting the urges My heart fails and submerges Listening to my heart not beating Cheated out of healing Slowly drowning in numbness Swallowed by the dark and devoured by nothingness