If I were rich here’s what I’d do with my free time okay Mermaid pranks Let me explain. So, I’d get one of those super fancy mermaid tails, like those sick as hell silicone ones that has the super long thick tail that uses like, toe pullies and stuff to make the fins move in cool and impossible ways. like this

(source)

And I would go all fucking out on this fit okay. We’re talking diving lessons until I can hold my breath for 7 minutes and go deep as fuck. Long hair, starfish, scales up to my tits, those funky contacts that make it so you can see under water, all of it- everything I could to make myself look as “thing of the deep but hot” as possible.  Then, I’d go get some shiny valuable rocks. Pearls, Uncut gems, like super fuck’n nice ones like diamonds and shit, and ofc some gold coins. Then I’d dawn my mermaid fit and hit public waterways. Rivers, beys, lakes, places where people are around and might be swimming, but where I’m not gonna die via boat propeller, and not super crowded areas where a lot of people are swimming.  Then I just prank people by poking my head out of the water and surprising them, then I motion them closer and reach into my hair or satchel or something and give them a fucking emerald, smiling all big the whole time then I just- swim the fuck away.  What the fuck they  gonna do now!? Keep it as a fun memory of that time a fuck’n mermaid larper gave them a shiny rock? Never know it’s actually valuable? Or do they take it to a jeweler and find out it’s real? How the fuck are they gonna explain that. They gonna tell the jeweler a fuck’n mermaid gave it to them?! I think the fuck not.  Gonna pop up at the peir and smile at people and give gold coins to whoever stops. Kids are gonna freak. Put a little wonder back in the world. Flirt with pretty girls. Swim down rivers, pop up and surprise some old lady sitting by the water and give her an uncut diamond then swim away without a word. 

Get a reputation as the weird lesbian mermaid who gives out precious gems and never speaks then suddenly stop without warning for like three years to give people time to forget me then do it all again. 

If it’s a kid, and only the kid has seen you, act horrified that you’ve been found.

Beg them to keep you a secret, and give them the jewel/coin in exchange.

i swear to god ultra rich people are so fucking boring with their mansions and yachts. ThiS is what i wanna see in the world. Where are the superheroes? The masquerade balls? WHO is gonna invent real farie wings that let you fly??

Okay but why couldn't you use your massive amounts of money to have them build that tail to maybe put a little bit of air inside it too in like a canister? I don't know

so the thing about my family is that we have two ancestors on my dad’s side who were buried in france, where I currently live. one died in the spanish civil war, and one died prior doing…we don’t know what. but he somehow managed to get buried in père lachaise. 

so anyhow, my gran sends me a message like “pls put flowers on ur uncle samuel’s grave because he’s gone over a century with none and it will make the ghost mad if he hasn’t already” because my family spends time in europe but never long enough to go all the way to père lachaise and give ya boy samuel jr. his death rites. so im like “ok gran I can do that” bc im a good grandson and you do not fuck with gran she doesn’t DESERVE THAT 

i figure out which plot he’s on and ask someone specifically where you can find uncle samuel jr. and they tell me where and so I arrive at the junction and. 

HE GONE. 

WHERE DID YOU GO UNCLE SAMUEL. 

*celine dion’s smash hit “my heart will go on” playing in the distance* 

in other words either someone stole my entire great great uncle samuel or he has risen again, ready to party in paris for all of eternity. 

You’re pretty chill about a corpse disappearing.

My guy, my dude, he’s been dead since 1851. He could be anywhere. He does what he wants.

What a way to learn you have a Vampire in the family.

Uncle Samuel

He destroyed his grave

yes

YES

The uncle is out

Debbie Harry, 1976 - Punk Magazine

This is your reminder to get your regular sti testing done, but also don't forget to check for crabs...

Grandma's house yayy

The dick is insane I know it

TIL of the Spoiler Paradox, a psychological phenomenon where being informed of how a story ends before experiencing it seems to increase the enjoyment of the story, rather than decrease it.

via beatlyzer.com

I’ve been saying this for fucking ever. Plot is the least fucking important element of any narrative, HOW you get there is SO MUCH MORE of what makes a story special

In an interesting turn of events I have been enrolled in a six hour couples bondage seminar despite being both 1. painfully single and 2. Incredibly anxious but fuck it we ball, I guess

I thought "Excellent, I've been looking for more formal training in this area" so I signed up and then twenty minutes later the hamster running the wheel that powers my brain woke up and I went "ah shit, I need a date for this don't I"

Totally understandable thought! But do consider:

You can choke someone unconscious in just 15 seconds. Temporary or permanent brain damage can then occur within 30 seconds. After 3 minutes, the brain will shut down and they will die.

And yet, plenty of people think getting choked in bed is sexy, and will attempt it without any research whatsoever.

Did you know that using binding materials that are too thin can cause lacerations? Or that tying someone in the wrong position can kill them? Did you know that just surface pressure held too long, without any struggling or pulling, can feel like a bone-deep bruise? Or alternatively, that too much slack or movement can strip skin right off, and you might not even feel it happening?

Sitting in a big room writing down notes and following an instructor really isn't all that sexy for me personally, true, but a lot of kink comes with risk, and making the concious choice to engage in kink without taking steps to minimize that risk is, frankly, dangerous and irresponsible.

Like.... every sky diving attendant probably had to pass a few exams before jumping out a plane with you, right? So wouldn't you feel a little unsafe jumping with one that was just making it up as they went?

I'm surprised that people would be surprised by that. There's so many different types of reasons for having seminars. For both tops and bottoms. Spanking, whips, flogging, aftercare...

Sometimes a little bit of spoiler is delicious. Sometimes you learn a bit of info about where a story is going and you go "OH! I can't wait to find out how they get there!"

Obviously I wouldn't go out of my way to spoil something for someone who didn't want it, I'm just saying... sometimes it's a little tasty.

Like just because I know where the train is headed doesn’t make it worse to look out the window

And if you know where the destination is, you know what landmarks keep an eye out for ("omg delicious foreshadowing" "aaaa checkovs guunnnnn")

Tarot Cats 

Chonky Goods by Ping Hatta Studio

OMG WHAT IS GOING ON HERE

I CAN EXPLAIN THIS so basically there’s this type of bonnet called a ‘poke bonnet’ and they look like this:

and in the regency there was this trend of the front part getting longer and longer until you couldn’t really see the wearer’s face… and people have been mean for all history and love to really deride and rip into the fashion trends of young women, so satirical cartoons like the one above popped up that were basically trying to say ‘hurr dburr stupid poke bonnets soon we won’t even be able to talk to women unless we stick our damn FACES INSIDE THEIR HATS!’

and yeah so that’s why we have a drawing of what looks like women sucking men’s heads off floating around tumblr

let’s bring back poke bonnets so ppl will have to leave me alone

I think the most compelling part of this comic is the two women in the background who are having a conversation without their bonnets even touching but all the men feel they have the right to invade the women’s spaces as much as possible 

i know right? the woman in pink is clearly not having a good time

Satirical Regency Artist: Women, if these hats get any bigger, it’s going to be very difficult for men to mash our faces right up against yours!

Regency Hatter: *maintains eye-contact as she sews a massive goddamn brim onto a new hat* Imagine that.

The regency version of “do you not see these earphones in my ears? FUCK. OFF.”

As someone who was the referral coordinator at a big facility people would sometimes fly to for neurology and surgery, the easiest for us was trupanion imo. They were the only company that we could get to guarantee that they would pay out if we sent them an estimate compared to every other company saying that they had to reimburse the owner after surgery. ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

btw I’ve found these stretches from the WAK blog very helpful when knitting a lot:

Plus make sure to take breaks regularly - and stop if anything starts to hurt!

especially with gift knitting I know it can be tempting to push through it for a deadline, but it’s really not worth causing long term injury. (And anyone knit-worthy should be understanding of that, imho.) Stay well :)

Also good for artists drawing with pencils/on a tablet/with a pen!

Also good for writers