Oh I’m an asshole.

So today pulling into Stop and Shop, this lady cut me off and nearly drove into me, and then, when I tried to pass her, she swung to the right and nearly hit me again, and then flipped me off.

So somebody is having a bad day and taking it out on me. That’s fine. It’s harmless, and I don’t know what’s going on in this woman’s life. I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt she’s not just a piece of shit and is just having a bad day.

But then I park and she follows me, and gets out of the car and starts swearing at me and getting in my face.

Now I go from “indifferent” to “I’m gonna fuck with this woman’s head.” Now I would say I’m a gentleman of size, and in all black and bemohawked I probably look spookier than I actually am, so props to this lady for getting in my face. Now of course I’m not going to hit her, or even threaten violence. That’s shitty. Nobody should get threatened with violence.

Instead, I take a step back, narrowing my eyes like I’m studying her face really closely, and then I touch one of the several piece of “occulty” jewelry I’m wearing (none of which, by the way, are magicked in any way at all). Then I mumble some nonsense under my breath, and then make the fig gesture and the horns at her.

She stops, wide-eyed.

“WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST DO TO ME?”

I chuckled, and shake my head. “Nothing at all.” I say in a not-terrible convincing voice. “But every time something bad happens to you today, you’re gonna be thinking of me.”

Then I winked at her, and walked away.

My best friend of 23 years is officially a teacher. Same elementary school we went to as kids. Wild. I’m proud of him.

We both degreed up now

Congratulations to you both!

Source

Thank you Australia for adding quotation marks.

Lol it gets to be 110° F in summer where I’m from lol they would literally die walking outside.

I moved into my old apartment in the middle of August with a heat index of 110 🙄🙄

Bone massage… I want soft bones

no you don’t, bitch.

*jiggles and flops towards you* what? Huh?

it’s officially spring which means porridge weather is over and hozier is finally done making his oatmeal and can now again release MUSIC 

for those of you who are ignorant of hozier’s hibernation habits

Thor Odinson: God of Thunder and Feminist Icon

Fun fact: According to Greek legend there was a famous prostitute who managed to avoid a death sentence by showing the judges her boobs and arguing that it would be a crime against the Gods to destroy something so beautiful. 

Before you ask, yes there are paintings of this. And yes, they’re amazing.

Read more.

I love history.

Role models tho.

The gay one

No, but this is one of my absolute favorite bits of history! 

The courtesan named was named Phryne and she was indeed a renowned beauty, and was indeed was put on trial for a capital crime. And yes, the sum of her defense consisted of her stripping in court (helped by her lover/defendant) and asking the jury (all males) if they were prepared to destroy this. 

But this is actually a very interesting case of Values Dissonance - the capital crime she was accused of was blasphemy. In Ancient Greek society, exceptional beauty was a sign of favor from the gods, and they took the idea that beauty indicated goodness with great seriousness. They even called their nobles Kaloi k'Agathoi, “the Beautiful and the Good.” 

So by showing off her great physical beauty, Phryne was being very clever indeed, her argument essentially being “How could I possibly commit blasphemy if the gods have given me this body?“ 

God, I adore history. 

”If these tits are legit, you must acquit.”

When someone writes “GLBT” instead of “LGBT”

When someone says “LGB” to something that can easily apply to the T as well

When someone says “BLT” instead of “LGBT”

idk why fingers in the mouth is so hot but it is

No funny shit If you like one of my post that means you want to suck my dick

ok i’ll be that person: this doesn’t apply to ace followers! you guys are immune to posts like this! i know how common these posts are, so just decided to give you all a shoutout!

young shakira is my life tbh

Petition to bring back brunette Shakira bc wow

scottish people twitter…

Soup-serving robot fail. [video]

Simone Giertz, the self-proclaimed “Queen of Shitty Robots.” She intentionally engineers terrible robots just for fun.

everything this woman makes is goddamn fantastic

when i was younger i had a really bad fear of danny devito when i was going to sleep so my older brother gave me a watch that he set to like 8 hours ahead so that it was always daytime on the watch when i was asleep and he told me it would confuse danny devito and he would think it was daytime and get scared of the sun and leave me alon

Your brother is the best

Who the fuck changed this from vampires to Danny devito

the real question is why I was completely ready to accept that this person had a debilitating childhood fear of Danny Devito

do you love the colour of the sky

delete this

Good point

I was waiting for Howie Mandel to come up.

friendly reminder that keeping plants in your house without their permission is slavery and kidnapping :)

I honestly can not tell what’s serious anymore on this godforsaken website.

Your relationship should be your place of peace. It should be the place where all armor comes off, egos are humbled, and transparency reigns supreme.

why am i skeptical of any other car i see driving around at 3am . like i know why IM out ….why YOU drivin round this late 👀

Glass of Supervicious Fluid

a fine vintage

Here’s me, thinking, “Surely they mean superviscous?” But no, that’s an evil, malevolent soul slopping around in there.