I Major In Apathy

Ahhhh my brain is stuck on comparisons between my sisters and I and I can’t shake it. My oldest sister got her shit together, went back to school while raising her kids and has a career doing something I wanted to do, but every time I have tried to go back to school I have to withdraw because I can’t manage working and school at the same time. My other older sister never stopped chasing her dreams and makes costumes for big shows and found work in the entertainment industry, another thing I wanted to do but failed and gave up. My younger sister is participating in the Disney college program and will get to work her favorite rides, another thing I wanted to do but never got to. They’re all living lives I would kill for and here I am doing none of it, feeling utterly incapable of achieving any kind of dream, one step further I don’t feel like I have any dreams anymore. My ‘success’ is staying on my meds and in therapy and not relapsing into one of my many addictions- I’m such a loser compared to them.

On the outside I may seem fine, maybe a little tired, but on the inside my increased seroquel dosage is beating my mania back with a broom while my mania screeches and crawls onto the ceiling

I spend 50% of my time writing messages to people that I end up deleting bc my dumb brain tells me whatever I have to say doesn’t matter enough to actually send, 40% of my time stopping myself from saying things I want to say bc I can’t justify that it’s worth sharing out loud, and the other 10% is spent wondering how anyone manages or tries to maintain a relationship with the brick wall I am trapped within