the words Aromantic and Asexual seems to get scrarier with time for me
TW: I'll discuss my fear of not being accepted for my identity, not finding a place in society because of it. +long post
For context: I'm 21, closeted ace and on the aro spectrum, never had a relationship or a crush before. This is obviously just my experience, i think that maybe also other people feel similarly in some way.
I don't have many chances to talk to other aro/ace people so I'd love to hear from you! If you agree or not with my little rant, If you feel in somewhat similar or if you have different experience!
obvs asexuality and aromanticism are spectrums and everyone have unique experiences so I'd love to hear yours!
(P.S. english is not my first language so I hope this is overlall understandable! plus I hope it does not sound as some kind internalised aphobia or discrimination: I am really proud and happy in my identity yet I am afraid that is will not be positively percived or understood)
I distintively remember being 15 and seing these words for the first time. I remember the confusion and the weird sense of understanding and belonging. But also I remember thinking "it is kinda ok if i am ace, my family would never know, ask or get mad because I don't have sex". (this may sound like a weird thing to think but understanding that you are queer, that others feels things differently than you, in a traditional, conservative enviroment may be scary and i though this would be easier).
I mean obviously i understood a lot about me and others in that moment, and I'd be lying if i say that my identity never made my feel distant or isolated from friends and other teens. (classmates talk about their crushes, relationship, experience all the time. Adult and professor akwardly talking about attraction and "active sexuality" as something normal, scientifical, biological that will eventually happen to everyone). But I have always been kinda shy and I was a good student in highschoold, adults and friends never questioned about me too much. True, maybe romantic relationship are kinda expected during your teenage years but everyone around me seemed to think that I was just "shy and focused". Ace and Aro label seemed much easy to hide and, most importantly I feelt like if others would ever come to know of it, it would not be a big deal.
But few years can make a great difference in what society expects from you.
Once highschool was over it seems like being "shy and focused" was not worth of any praise anymore, quite the contrary actually: relatives started asking if I had a "boyfriend", closer family members started wondering if I liked girls, closer friends, who usually did not discuss relationship before, started looking for partners, dating and sharing their experiences and often it felt like I was just left out of the conversation.
I started realising how I misjudged the situation before: being aroace is not as invisible as I though and it is actually a big deal!
It is a big deal and I didn't realise cause i greatly understimated how much of a big deal romance and sex were to everyone else in "adult" life.
I realised that Hetero/Amatonormative Relationship are seen like a compulsory step to take in life, necessary to grow up, necessary for a stable adult life:
I realised it by seeing that 75% of instagram posts written by students on university page are about realationships, sex, love, finding other attractive (it is almost like I forgot about a fundamental side quest: get a partner, for the main quests: get a deegree)
I realised it by hearing my friend asking each other about their dates and encouraging eachother to join dating apps.
I realised it by seeing online how people talk about celebrities love life, from the young woman who broke up with her boyfriend and in now a "different" person to the way people comment when they hear a boy in his 20s saying he had never kissed anyone.
Love is compulsory, everyone my age is either in love or should be looking for love....
And I feel like it will only get worst: soon the people I grew up with will all be in relationship or looking for love and my closet will get more and more see-through with time and as much as I am proud of my identity I am deeply afraid of others reaction to it.
And then they will get marryed and maybe I will not, and this society is weirdly couple-shaped, I almost cannot imagine living fully alone for the rest of my life.
(obv I know that aroace people can have relationship, I am aware I may even fall deeply and desperatly in love tomorrow morning but what I was trying to say is that if I still be as I am in this moment the way my closeted identity will suface always more and I am afraid of how others will treat me then.)
(I know this all posts sound dramatic, i hope it is not too unreliable tho!)
