i hate that i’m so absent as a person. i don’t start conversations. i can barely maintain them. i’m so weary and spaced out all the time to the point where i can’t even keep up small talk and i’m just so disappointed in myself
my husband of twenty years: i love you me: he’s just saying that to be nice
There’s nothing to dislike about this photo 10/10
this kicks the leaning tower of pisa one’s ass
This poor dude is waiting for his date for the prom unknowing he is being watched by the crew of a hit TV show
The tides coming in, hurry up dude.
Tide got him but he’s ok.
He’s texting his girl but she’s not showing up. Is she standing him up?
His best bud just showed up to help him.
Tide is really coming in now, he’s on the phone. Things are getting frantic.
Will she arrive in time? We’re gonna give him a round of applause if she says yes and arrives.
OH NO!
CREW IS ENCOURAGING HIM TO RE-DO HIS WORK. WE’RE SHOUTING “DO IT!”
HE IS RE-MAKING THE MESSAGE! I REPEAT! HE IS REMAKING THE MESSAGE!
WE HAVE RECIEVED WORD THAT THE GIRL IS ON A TREASURE HUNT IN THE CITY AND THIS IS THE FINAL LOCATION. HIS FRIEND IS STALLING FOR TIME.
UPDATE: BEACHGOERS HAVE JOINED IN TO HELP THIS BOY REBUILD HIS MESSAGE TO THE GIRL! HIS FRIEND HAS JOINED IN AS WELL.
IT’S ALMOST DONE! THEY MIGHT MAKE IT!
THE MESSAGE IS COMPLETED! THE QUESTION IS NOW “WILL SHE SAY YES?”
BRO OF THE YEAR JUST BROUGHT A GIRL. I THINK THIS MAY BE IT!
I THINK THIS IS IT!
SHE’S APPROACHING!
YES! THE ANSWER IS YES!
OUR CREW IS CHEERING FOR THESE TWO.
my friend angella was doing a comedy gig, and as soon as she came out a guy shouted ‘can i give you my number?’ and all the crowd groaned cause it was so inappropriate but angella was like ‘yeah sure’. the guy started shouting out his number and she started entering it into her phone. the whole crowd was like woaaah. she got the whole number and then dialled it and it rang. everyone lost their shit. finally the guy answered and angella just said “hello? shut the fuck up” and it was the most incredible thing i’ve ever seen
So some of these details are probably wrong, it happened a long time ago so I don’t remember the specifics leading up, but it was incredible. A friend of mine who does stand up was doing his bit at open mic one night, and a guy was heckling him. Just being a total asshole, and then his phone rang and he started talking loudly on his phone about how he’s at open mic and this guy isn’t funny, etc. Now the weird thing about hecklers is that they just want to be a part of something most of the time, so my friend said, “hey man, what’s your name? Can I see your phone for a second?”
The guy actually handed over his phone, and my friend hung up, and scrolled through his contact list until he found the person he was looking for. He hit dial, and starts.
“Hello? Is this [Name’s] mom? Great! It’s very nice to talk to you. I’m a comedian in the middle of my standup routine, and your son is being very rude, [lists off some of the things her son said]…. hold on, can I get you to repeat that?”
He takes the phone away, puts it in speakerphone and holds it up to the mic.
“I said, I’m sorry my son is being such an asshole.”
Everyone lost it. Fuckin’ destroyed by his own mother. My friend said it was one of his proudest moments ever.
cr1tikal won $500 on a scratch off lottery ticket then used the money to buy more lottery tickets
Reblog the luck cr1tikal and luck and prosperity will come your way!
me: uses my sleeping kitten’s paw to navigate my smartphone
he woke up and retrieved his paw
you Used him
he’s on the bed and he won’t come near me
youve betrayed his trust………he Knows
good thing i got 13 more of these fluffs
second kitten also abandoned me and they both formed a coalition
their cause is gaining numbers
this is a revolution
i tried calling in the cavalry but they overwhelmed us quickly
we are….defeated.
you may have lost the battle but all I see is a winner with 14 kittens and a dog
this just in.. The New Meme On The Block is unnecessary footnotes and anyone who doesn’t like this idea can kiss this¹
_____________________
¹ my ass
A Wisconsin mall Santa decided to handle one of the naughty list members early this year when a young girl told him her Christmas wish was for her stepdad to stop molesting her. He and four of his elves attacked the guy, who was waiting nearby, and pummeled him unconscious.
An eyewitness recalled, “Santa didn’t say nothing. He just grabbed the back of the guy’s skull and headbutted him REAL hard.” The witness continued on to say, “Then Kringle got on top of him and just started pummeling him. He was laughing and screaming ‘Ho! Ho! Ho! Motherfucker!’
I love this.
There should be more stories like this
This is incredibly smart!
Look at brown people out here solving world problems.
Honest to god i wouldn’t even buy them as utensils I would just eat them
Photos by Chasity Lollis (via TheRealDerv)
Can’t risk it
The duck of creativity. I waited so long for it.
I don’t know who this white boy is but I trust him
