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Further Meanderings of Merinda

@merindab / merindab.tumblr.com

Hi, I'm Merinda, Janto321 on AO3.
She/her, in my 40s.
See my pinned post for a link to my fic and my book.
I've got Inattentive ADHD and Depression and happily talk about them.
My current primary fandoms are Critical Role, BBC Sherlock, Doctor Who and Good Omens .
But sometimes I just reblog cats.
If you'd like to support my writing:
Fic Commissions are currently open
Diana Wallpaper by YaleStewart

I guess I should make a post to pin.

Hi, I’m Merinda. My biggest fandom right now is Ctitical Role, but I’m also still hanging in Doctor Who, Good Omens and Sherlock.

I have a book out, called Timepiece. It’s a gay WWI romance.

I have a ton of fanfic, mostly under Janto321. There’s so much I made a table of contents which you find here. That also has links to some cowrites and things.

I’m still hanging out on Twitter until it dies, and I’m merindab over there too.

I’m ADHD as hell and frequently tweet and talk about it and I’m always here if someone needs to chat about it.

I’ve also got two cats. Sherlock and Mycroft (They’re sisters)

OKAY BUT! THAT SCENE WHERE GUSTAV GIVES MOLLY THE NAME MOLLYMAUK!! The way he tells him that it's ultimately his choice, and that he can change his name whenever he likes if it doesn't fit. Molly being very touched by the sentiment, but accepting it with the acknowledgement that, "I think...I could wear that name for a while."

It's new and exciting, a name all his own, and a gift from Gustav. Of course he adores it. But he also implies that he might well change it someday. Like how tieflings choose their own virtue names. And honestly, when King decides to go by Kingsley, it does remind me of Jester's own experience:

  • Jester: Well, I thought [Jester] sounded cool. I thought jesters were people that made people laugh...[my mother] did [name me], but she told me I get to choose my own name.
  • Caduceus: “I don’t think tieflings--do tieflings get--there’s a thing, for--
  • Caleb: What did your mother call you, before Jester?
  • Jester: “Genevieve...I like Jester, okay? Jester. Jeez.” 
  • Artagan: “It’s a much better name.” 
  • Beau: “Can I call you Genny?”
  • Jester: “No, you can call me Jester.” 

The implication that Mollymauk makes him happy and suits him just fine now in the moment, but he's also making it clear that he intends to find a new name somewhere along the way, after he's had some time to grow and change. It feels very reminiscent of Moonweaver Oracle Decks--constantly rotating out different cards, adding new ones and discarding the old over time--remaining fluid and ever changing in the moment, open to self-exploration and continuous reinvention.

  • "Each deck of Moon Oracle cards are different, as each deck evolves with the owner. When a card is weathered or simply no longer speaks to you, replace it with a new card of your own design. Something personal and true. Trust yourself; what is true for you will ring true for others. Some choose to change a card each Lunar cycle. Some decks magically destroy a card when it is replaced with a new one--such decadence!"

Whenever he looks for a new start in life, as both Molly and Kingsley, he's still embodying the same core values of the Moonweaver. Like how he intrinsically still knows the names of his treasured oracle cards even a lifetime later, "Love, Magician--" For everything that changes, there's still so much about him that stays the same.

I mean, when Jester wakes King up, not only was he having "the nicest dream" about the circus, he also kept asking for Lestera. Which in hindsight is just heartbreaking, but--King definitely experiences the same pull to all his loved ones he knew as Molly. His feelings for them are still the same. "I get...feelings from you. All of you..."

Even Molly's "choir practice" reminds me of King. Mollymauk being so protective and compassionate at his core, admitting softly, "I know what the others think, but the truth is...how do I put this...the world is harsh and cruel, and I don't seem to be able to just walk on by. You see a wrong? You fix it."

It's Molly swearing under Zone of Truth, “I’ll tell you--and this is true--I did my best every town I went to and every town I left, no matter how they treated me. And a lot of them treated me with deep disrespect...I left every town better than I found it.” It's King confessing to Beau and Yasha:

  • "Well, I've been thinking about it, and I've been trying to figure out where the other two went wrong...what was something that either of you didn't like or was a problem with Molly? I know more about Lucien at this point...But I'm trying to make new mistakes, I promise."
  • "I've realized, at the beginning, that I was running from everything that had happened before, and that's something that the other two had done and so it was probably something I didn't want to do again, which is why I'm asking..."
  • "It'd be better to...If you think of them as parents--I've been told that the best thing you can do is do just slightly better than them. And that's...Honest to the gods, that is actually what I'm trying to do. I don't necessarily know what it's going to look like. I have thoughts. Some that I think that either one of them might approve of, that you might approve of, and I want to make sure that you know that if nothing but out of respect for my family, for my parents, we always have a fair deal."
  • "I try and be a good person, or whatever I think that is. I take care of the crew, I work hard. As you're working with somebody, for someone, you take care of them. But you know, sometimes that means you have to get a little violent, make some unfortunate decisions. But I think you know that." 

Just...King still having the same heart he did as Molly, still wanting to be good and take care of his people--telling his family, "I try and be a good person, or whatever I think that is." Just like when Caleb asked Molly in the Zone of Truth, "Are you a good guy?" And he says sincerely, "I like to think so."

I also can't stop thinking of Molly saying to Yasha, "If you're going to run away, why not do it in style?" Because Molly is running away too--likes the circus in part because it was always safer to stay on the move. "A lot of this is in the hopes that maybe this would never happen. Keep moving, keep quiet." Sounds an awful lot like when Matt revealed King still suffers nightmares from Cognouza, and Taliesin suggests, "Perhaps those chains will find some quiet in piracy."

Ships are always moving, a chance to make a quick exit whenever he needs to--an escape. Molly desperate to keep all the haunting echoes of Lucien at bay. And then as King, feeling a bit uncomfortable and distant as he tries to reconcile himself with a past. Hesitantly asking questions about his life as Molly. Holding onto a journal of all the Nein's adventures to finally read when he's ready--not now, but. When he's finally able to face the past and make peace with that.

And, like with the circus, he's found the exact kind of escape he craves. Throwing himself into a life of piracy because it's just as adventurous and romantic as all the brilliant color and exciting thrills of the circus, another chance to put on a grand performance.

  • Taliesin: "Kingsley really latched onto the pirate life, and that's what happened with any of the other Molly's and Nonagon's--they imprint really hard on whatever's there that looks romantic and fun! It's romance, fun, and I have an audience."

And really, is parading around as the Plank King so different from playing at royalty? Because the more I read of the comic, the more convinced I was that Molly's portrayal of the kind, just Duke beloved by his people is the exact same role he plays as Plank King.

There's just so many little moments to me that imply Kingsley is still the same soul shard as Molly. (And if we go by the novel's ending, then it's not just Molly, but Mollymauk's soul and Lucien's, embracing a new life hand in hand.) Mollymauk deciding to start over with a new start and the chance to make new memories, ready to choose a new name to "wear" for a time.

Finally, I can't get over Molly's parting words to the town he charmed. "I promise that once I sever my ties to the empire, I will return in gratitude. And I'll return myself. No heralds for such hospitality." I just can't help thinking of...King telling the Nein, “Not now, but in the future, I'd like to hear about your friend. Later, once I--once I know me better." Yasha telling him, "I would love that...it's nice to have you back," and King's warm, "It's nice to be back."

  • Yasha: "You know what I mean."
  • Kingsley: "I do--"

Because he does know. Because part of him knows he'll always be their Circus Man, even if he's not ready to reckon with what that means. "Thank you, I--I'm looking forward to the future, and I hope I deserve to have woken up surrounded by such people...Thank you all, really, for my life. But I figure I better get to using it..." "After a few years, finally reads that book, and goes to visit and learn."

Thinking of one day when King feels comfortable enough to drop his mantle of the Plank King and appear before the Nein as just Tealeaf. Just himself--

maybe it’s just me but I got weird vibes from the “teen slang” bit last night? it felt uncomfortable…Aabria even mentioned how it was all AAVE and “why did y’all wait until I was here to do this” and they still kept going with the bit…

idk I know she said it in a lighthearted/joking way but I feel like the cast could have taken a hint and like. Stopped

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You are absolutely allowed to feel however you feel about it, but for whatever it’s worth I wasn’t the least bit uncomfortable. I noted that it was AAVE (as most popular slang in my lifetime has been) as a “I’m not a youth but I know how to use this vernacular correctly” moment. I promise, I would have stealth communicated to Travis to wind it down if I felt a kind of way about it or thought it was generally problematic.

And just to briefly touch on why I didn’t find that to be a moment of appropriation or denigration of AAVE - the butt of the joke is never the slang. It’s always him not knowing how to land the lingo. And that’s funny, and honestly super relatable with all us peeps aging out of youth culture.

Again, not to refute your feelings. I just wanted to share mine, and express appreciation for your sensitivity to the moment! End of rant! 💖

So I’ve been enjoying the Disney vs. DeSantis memes as much as anyone, but like. I do feel like a lot of people who had normal childhoods are missing some context to all this.

I was raised in the Bible Belt in a fairly fundie environment. My parents were reasonably cool about some things, compared to the rest of my family, but they certainly had their issues. But they did let me watch Disney movies, which turned out to be a point of major contention between them and my other relatives.

See, I think some people think this weird fight between Disney and fundies is new. It is very not new. I know that Disney’s attempts at inclusion in their media have been the source of a lot of mockery, but what a lot of people don’t understand is that as far as actual company policy goes, Disney has actually been an industry leader for queer rights. They’ve had policies assuring equal healthcare and partner benefits for queer employees since the early 90s.

I’m not sure how many people reading this right now remember the early 90s, but that was very much not industry standard. It was a big deal when Disney announced that non-married queer partners would be getting the same benefits as the married heterosexual ones.

Like — it went further than just saying that any unmarried partners would be eligible for spousal benefits. It straight-up said that non-same-sex partners would still need to be married to receive spousal benefits, but because same-sex partners couldn’t do that, proof that they lived together as an established couple would be enough.

In other words, it put long-term same-sex partners on a higher level than opposite-sex partners who just weren’t married yet. It put them on the exact same level as heterosexual married partners.

They weren’t the first company ever to do this, but they were super early. And they were certainly the first mainstream “family-friendly” company to do it.

Conservatives lost their damn minds.

Protests, boycotts, sermons, the whole nine yards. I can’t tell you how many books about the evils of Disney my grandmother tried to get my parents to read when I was a kid.

When we later moved to Florida, I realized just how many queer people work at Disney — because historically speaking, it’s been a company that has guaranteed them safety, non-discrimination, and equal rights. That’s when I became aware of their unofficial “Gay Days” and how Christians would show up from all over the country to protest them every year. Apparently my grandmother had been upset about these days for years, but my parents had just kind of ignored her.

Out of curiosity, I ended up reading one of the books my grandmother kept leaving at our house. And friends — it’s amazing how similar that (terrible, poorly written) rhetoric was to what people are saying these days. Disney hires gay pedophiles who want to abuse your children. Disney is trying to normalize Satanism in our beautiful, Christian America. 

Just tons of conspiracy theories in there that ranged from “a few bad things happened that weren’t actually Disney’s fault, but they did happen” to “Pocahontas is an evil movie, not because it distorts history and misrepresents indigenous life, but because it might teach children respect for nature. Which, as we all know, would cause them all to become Wiccans who believe in climate change.”

Like — please, take it from someone who knows. This weird fight between fundies and Disney is not new. This is not Disney’s first (gay) rodeo. These people have always believed that Disney is full of evil gays who are trying to groom and sexually abuse children.

The main difference now is that these beliefs are becoming mainstream. It’s not just conservative pastors who are talking about this. It’s not just church groups showing up to boycott Gay Day. Disney is starting to (reluctantly) say the quiet part out loud, and so are the Republicans. Disney is publicly supporting queer rights and announcing company-supported queer events and the Republican Party is publicly calling them pedophiles and enacting politically driven revenge.

This is important, because while this fight has always been important in the history of queer rights, it is now being magnified. The precedent that a fight like this could set is staggering. For better or for worse, we live in a corporation-driven country. I don’t like it any more than you do, and I’m not about to defend most of Disney’s business practices. But we do live in a nation where rights are largely tied to corporate approval, and the fact that we might be entering an age where even the most powerful corporations in the country are being banned from speaking out in favor of rights for marginalized people… that’s genuinely scary.

Like… I’ll just ask you this. Where do you think we’d be now, in 2023, if Disney had been prevented from promising its employees equal benefits in 1994? That was almost thirty years ago, and look how far things have come. When I looked up news articles for this post from that era, even then journalists, activists, and fundie church leaders were all talking about how a company of Disney’s prominence throwing their weight behind this movement could lead to the normalization of equal protections in this country.

The idea of it scared and thrilled people in equal parts even then. It still scares and thrills them now.

I keep seeing people say “I need them both to lose!” and I get it, I do. Disney has for sure done a lot of shit over the years. But I am begging you as a queer exvangelical to understand that no. You need Disney to win. You need Disney to wipe the fucking floor with these people.

Right now, this isn’t just a fight between a giant corporation and Ron DeSantis. This is a fight about the right of corporations to support marginalized groups. It’s a fight that ensures that companies like Disney still can offer benefits that a discriminatory government does not provide. It ensures that businesses much smaller than Disney can support activism.

Hell, it ensures that you can support activism.

The fight between weird Christian conspiracy theorists and Disney is not new, because the fight to prevent any tiny victory for marginalized groups is not new. The fight against the normalization of othered groups is not new.

That’s what they’re most afraid of. That each incremental victory will start to make marginalized groups feel safer, that each incremental victory will start to turn the tide of public opinion, that each incremental victory will eventually lead to sweeping law reform.

They’re afraid that they won’t be able to legally discriminate against us anymore.

So guys! Please. This fight, while hilarious, is also so fucking important. I am begging you to understand how old this fight is. These people always play the long game. They did it with Roe and they’re doing it with Disney.

We have! To keep! Pushing back!

Please make a post about the story of the RMS Carpathia, because it's something that's almost beyond belief and more people should know about it.

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Carpathia received Titanic’s distress signal at 12:20am, April 15th, 1912. She was 58 miles away, a distance that absolutely could not be covered in less than four hours.

(Californian’s exact position at the time is…controversial. She was close enough to have helped. By all accounts she was close enough to see Titanic’s distress rockets. It’s uncertain to this day why her crew did not respond, or how many might not have been lost if she had been there. This is not the place for what-ifs. This is about what was done.)

Carpathia’s Captain Rostron had, yes, rolled out of bed instantly when woken by his radio operator, ordered his ship to Titanic’s aid and confirmed the signal before he was fully dressed. The man had never in his life responded to an emergency call. His goal tonight was to make sure nobody who heard that fact would ever believe it.

All of Carpathia’s lifeboats were swung out ready for deployment. Oil was set up to be poured off the side of the ship in case the sea turned choppy; oil would coat and calm the water near Carpathia if that happened, making it safer for lifeboats to draw up alongside her. He ordered lights to be rigged along the side of the ship so survivors could see it better, and had nets and ladders rigged along her sides ready to be dropped when they arrived, in order to let as many survivors as possible climb aboard at once.

I don’t know if his making provisions for there still being survivors in the water was optimism or not. I think he knew they were never going to get there in time for that. I think he did it anyway because, god, you have to hope.

Carpathia had three dining rooms, which were immediately converted into triage and first aid stations. Each had a doctor assigned to it. Hot soup, coffee, and tea were prepared in bulk in each dining room, and blankets and warm clothes were collected to be ready to hand out. By this time, many of the passengers were awake–prepping a ship for disaster relief isn’t quiet–and all of them stepped up to help, many donating their own clothes and blankets.

And then he did something I tend to refer to as diverting all power from life support.

Here’s the thing about steamships: They run on steam. Shocking, I know; but that steam powers everything on the ship, and right now, Carpathia needed power. So Rostron turned off hot water and central heating, which bled valuable steam power, to everywhere but the dining rooms–which, of course, were being used to make hot drinks and receive survivors. He woke up all the engineers, all the stokers and firemen, diverted all that steam back into the engines, and asked his ship to go as fast as she possibly could. And when she’d done that, he asked her to go faster.

I need you to understand that you simply can’t push a ship very far past its top speed. Pushing that much sheer tonnage through the water becomes harder with each extra knot past the speed it was designed for. Pushing a ship past its rated speed is not only reckless–it’s difficult to maneuver–but it puts an incredible amount of strain on the engines. Ships are not designed to exceed their top speed by even one knot. They can’t do it. It can’t be done.

Carpathia’s absolute do-or-die, the-engines-can’t-take-this-forever top speed was fourteen knots. Dodging icebergs, in the dark and the cold, surrounded by mist, she sustained a speed of almost seventeen and a half.

No one would have asked this of them. It wasn’t expected. They were almost sixty miles away, with icebergs in their path. They had a responsibility to respond; they did not have a responsibility to do the impossible and do it well. No one would have faulted them for taking more time to confirm the severity of the issue. No one would have blamed them for a slow and cautious approach. No one but themselves.

They damn near broke the laws of physics, galloping north headlong into the dark in the desperate hope that if they could shave an hour, half an hour, five minutes off their arrival time, maybe for one more person those five minutes would make the difference. I say: three people had died by the time they were lifted from the lifeboats. For all we know, in another hour it might have been more. I say they made all the difference in the world.

This ship and her crew received a message from a location they could not hope to reach in under four hours. Just barely over three hours later, they arrived at Titanic’s last known coordinates. Half an hour after that, at 4am, they would finally find the first of the lifeboats. it would take until 8:30 in the morning for the last survivor to be brought onboard. Passengers from Carpathia universally gave up their berths, staterooms, and clothing to the survivors, assisting the crew at every turn and sitting with the sobbing rescuees to offer whatever comfort they could.

In total, 705 people of Titanic’s original 2208 were brought onto Carpathia alive. No other ship would find survivors.

At 12:20am April 15th, 1912, there was a miracle on the North Atlantic. And it happened because a group of humans, some of them strangers, many of them only passengers on a small and unimpressive steam liner, looked at each other and decided: I cannot live with myself if I do anything less.

I think the least we can do is remember them for it.

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I can’t begin to describe how happy and flattered and a little teary I am that this just broke 100k.

I may be the actual only human being on Tumblr with a post this popular that I not only don’t regret making, but am actually HAPPY whenever I notice a surge in its circulation. 

I never intended this to gain any traction at all (you’ll notice there’s no sources or anything–this was a personal ramble, prompted in good humor by a friend after I jokingly said that I wished someone would give me an excuse to cry about Carpathia on Tumblr so I could get it out of my system.) I literally expected to get, like, maybe 20 likes and a reblog, from friends, indulging me in my nonsense.

It just….means a lot to me that it’s touched so many people. I see a lot of tags to the effect of “HOW DARE YOU HURT ME LIKE THIS AND MAKE ME CRY ABOUT A BOAT” that are often really funny, but overwhelmingly the tags on this post are from people saving it for a rainy day, or remarking in a sort of quiet awe that they never even really thought about her role in the story–and God knows I never did, I learned it by complete accident much as most of the people who’ve found this post. 

And so many of you guys are taking strength and reassurance from the reminder not only that people are capable of amazing things together, but simply that kindness matters and that a simple, tiny act of compassion is never wasted. I’m just really glad to have been able to do that for some folks.

If I can just add one personal note. I need to emphasize something I only touched on in the original post.

I need to emphasize that Carpathia failed.

A lot of the tags and comments have a tinge of…despair, or guilt, or wistfulness about things like this happening so rarely. Or inadequacy, or just being overwhelmed or unhappy about not being in a position to step up in a comparable way. And I want to gently bring up the fact that this is still the sinking of the Titanic

They did not get there in time. They did not save the ship. It can be argued that they may not even have saved a single life; we have no way of knowing. This was still a horrific maritime disaster mired in arrogance and incompetence and a lack of care.

If the response to this story shows anything, it shows this: It matters that they tried. 

Even though they got there too late, even though the ship still sank. It matters that they tried. The difference between making the best reasonable speed after confirming the seriousness of the situation, and the miracle they pulled off–it matters. It makes all the difference. Even if it made no difference at all. Not one of you read this and concluded that I was stupid for caring so much when the Titanic still sank and all those people still died.

You don’t have to fix the world. You’ll likely be cold and sick and miserable and testy and scared, and unprepared, and in over your head, and entirely too small to be of any real use. It feels stupid, passing out blankets and coffee in the middle of an ice field knowing what just happened. It’s hard to feel anything but useless when all you can do is tap a wireless transmitter and promise help that you know will come too late.

It matters that they fought for those people. It matters that they cared, and it matters that they tried. It matters that they didn’t stop. If it didn’t matter, you wouldn’t have read this far.

a glimpse of a new beginning

thank you everyone

[image description: four related drawings in bold black and white, featuring Vax’ildan and the Raven Queen. The first drawing shows Vax from behind at a three-quarters angle from the waist up. His long black hair is pulled into a high ponytail. He’s wearing a tight black top with a swirly pattern up one sleeve. He’s looking to the side sadly. Threads like spiderwebs crisscross on the background, and inside a large gap between the webbing are the words: “So this is the end then?” In the next drawing, the Raven Queen is looming over Vax. He’s tiny in comparison. She has a porcelain mask face, framed on either side by long black hair that twists around her torso, slightly resembling tousled feathers. One of her arms is jet black and the other is white and covered with a similar swirly design as Vax’s. The same threads are intricately intertwined in the background. Her torso transitions into a curved white plane where Vax is standing, as if in her shadow, and in this space it says: “For you? Yes, Vax’ildan.” 

In the next drawing, the Raven Queen is standing behind Vax. She’s only slightly larger than him now, and she’s reaching over one of his shoulders, tugging on one of the threads as she says, “But look, my champion.” Vax stares straight ahead with wide eyes. The last drawing shows the Mighty Nein in black silhouette against a white background, standing in a row with their backs to the viewer. “A familiar sight, a new beginning” is written above them. A thread is extending from each of them, into the ground beneath their feet where they connect to an intricate root structure underground.]