Hannibal fic prompt: Will Graham is way too pretty
will graham: i’m a grouchy unsociable loner
jack crawford: you have 14 restraining orders against ex-girlfriends, ex-hairdressers, and ex-coworkers who randomly fell in love with you after seeing you once in the Quantico cafeteria
will graham: where i eat ALONE at a table by the window ALONE
beverly katz: people literally choke on their food around you because they forget how to breathe and chew at the same time
will graham: no one likes me or invites me to social events
beverly katz: you got invited to mark's retirement party just last week, you ruined three relationships just by walking around the room once, the only thing you told mark was 'sorry to see you go' and the poor old bastard offered to leave his wife of 25 years for you
will graham: i sweat like a pig
jimmy price: you don't sweat like a pig, you glisten like a sea-sprayed statue of antinous
will graham: my unironic lumberjack clothes fit me poorly
brian zeller: you made 'lumberjack slob' the leading fashion trend in the Washington metropolitan area.
will graham: my students applauded me once for shooting a suspect, it was inappropriate
beverly katz: wanna talk inappropriate, your students once gave you a five-minute standing ovation for drinking from a water bottle
will graham: alana rejected my awkward and fumbling advances
alana bloom: my self-esteem couldn't handle me not being the pretty one in the relationship
will graham: supermarket tabloids cast aspersions on my character
freddie lounds: how else am i going to justify devoting 8 pages to long-range photos of you playing with your dogs or wandering around your property in your underwear? btw calvin klein's people called, they're ready to offer you six figures to model those cute little boxer briefs you favor
will graham: help me jack i am so broken and vulnerable!..
jack crawford: sorry buddy, i'm going to have to talk with my back to you from now on, bella told me not to look at you ever again after i called out your name during our anniversary sex
will graham: WELL FINE SCREW ALL OF YOU I'LL JUST TALK TO THIS SHRINK I AM BEING FORCED TO SEE BECAUSE MY AIR OF MYSTERY, SELF-SACRIFICE, AND LOVE OF RESCUING ABANDONED ANIMALS ARE ALL SO OFF-PUTTING
dr. hannibal lecter: ...
dr. hannibal lecter: hello! i know we literally just met, but all i want to do for the rest of my life is cook you delicious meals and fill my mansion with drawings of your face and butt
will graham: ...
dr. hannibal lecter: sorry, i don't think i'm saying this right. my apologies, english is my fifth language.
will graham: ah ok
dr. hannibal lecter: what i meant to say was, i want to give you all my infinite money and also babies
will graham: fml
