@meetmeatthewall / meetmeatthewall.tumblr.com
How is life in Korea? :-) I miss your updates. Any exciting plans for autumn/ the cooler weather?
Life in Korea is good! I moved apartments this year and now have an oven and bathtub and balcony. And a new puppy. Plans for the cold weather include Taiwan next week, two weeks in Cambodia over Christmas and New Year, and then England in March. I can’t handle it already!
I was just reading your post about having a nose job. How long did it take for you to recover? I'm told a week but it seems too short. 🙃 Thank you
Sorry I neverrrrrr check Tumblr any more!!! It took me about five days to ‘recover’ - meaning that I was able to go to work meetings and things after five days without no one really asking what was up. The cast came off on the fourth or fifth day I think, and then I just had a small sticker on my nose till day seven. After day seven, I looked basically totally normal. It took about three months for every hint of swelling to go down though and for me to see the final result.
Don’t trust morning you. Morning you is a dick. Morning you would sell your loved ones if it got them 5 minutes of extra sleep
maybe morning me wouldn’t be such a dick if that flaky bitch evening me had gone to bed instead of tumblring til butts oclock int he morning
Well evening me might have fallen asleep at a reasonable hour if that dumbass afternoon me hadn’t lain down for a “little nap” that lasted four hours.
Do you mentor anyone right now?
It’s not something I’ve ever even thought of doing!!!! Maybe when I’m a grown up.
Geeesh girlfriend, don’t try to do too much. You’ll sacrifice happiness and burn out. Just want to add that most Korean guys aren’t sexist.
I’ve always done too much I think. I don’t think I know how to sit still. Am seriously happy at the moment, though. I make one day a week for myself to recuperate and sleep eight hours and not check my Kakao for work things.
I think the word ‘most’ is debatable. Certainly I’ve known, and even dated, feminist Korean guys. But most Korean guys are statistically over the age of forty, and so were raised in a very, very different environment. Maybe you mean younger Korean guys? For sure they’re generally more open-minded about women’s roles, but still an in-depth conversation with a guy here (or anywhere in the world!!!!) about gender equality can often reveal some prrreetttttty sexist biases. The person I’m seeing at the moment seems to be a unicorn in this respect. *Silently cheers*
Zendaya attends the Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala at The Metropolitan Museum of Art on May 7, 2018 in New York City.
@sauvamente she heard you
완전 내 스타일
I was just reading about South Korean game development companies (plural - it's happened more than once or twice) disciplining or firing female employees after they've been harassed online for following or retweeting feminist content. How do you deal with living in a country with such prolific gender inequality?
Oh that’s funny I should get a message specifically about gender inequality in gaming. I completed a research project for a market analysis company a few months ago that involved specifically interviewing male and female Korean gamers in Korean on their experiences of sexual harassment while gaming in Korea. It was super interesting and also depressing. One female gamer started off telling me she’d never really thought about the gendered aspect of all of the insults she’d experienced online from guy trolls and by the end of the interview she was like WTF HOW HAVE I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT THIS. Lol.
There have for sure been times when I have despaired at the blatant discrimination here: the two nights of my life I’ve spent in Korean police stations because of sexual / physical assault and received tepid support from police officers, hwaesiks or meetings where comments from male superiors have been mindboggingly sexist (an old boss of mine recently said he thought women without children should pay an extra tax for not fulfilling their societal responsibility 😂😂), talking with Korean men about their experiences of prostitution, hearing stories from driven female friends about their pressures to marry / get plastic surgery / have babies / cook and clean for their husband / inability to get a promotion because they’re deemed to be marrying age.
Basically I deal with it in the same way I would probably deal with it in any country - by not being afraid to speak my mind whenever and wherever I see fit, and by working my actual ass off to be a successful female entrepreneur. A few years back there was a huge thing because an issue of Maxim magazine Korea had an extremely offensive cover featuring a woman tied up in a car trunk. Maxim Korea had refused to apologize or do anything about it, despite backlash from feminist groups. I sent an email to three major news outlets. It got published on those three major news outlets within 12 hours, Maxim USA’s main editor made a Tweet about it, and Maxim Korea were forced to pull all copies from shelves. Not sure I ever wrote that here on Tumblr. Never f*** with a PR person, eh?
A Korean woman I know (also a self-employed business woman) had her Facebook status a while back as
“Only two real ways to defeat misogyny:
- As a woman, earn capital.
- Raise better sons.”
I couldn’t slam the ‘love’ button fast enough. I’m not sure about the sons part, or kids in general honestly, but I am trying to grow a little empire. Maybe one day it will be a big-little empire, and I can employ women fairly, and represent more female clients in a male-dominated industry. Who knows.
Also, it is my prediction that Korea is going to put the West to shame with the speed at which it begins to rectify gender inequality. The UK has had ages to sort itself out, and there is still so, so much to be done. It’s embarrassing. Feminism in Korea is exploding. The women’s march last year was awesome, Moon’s comments on the #metoo movement (however much I think that campaign may be flawed) were very encouraging (can yuh imagine Trump saying something like that?), and an increasing number of feminist content is becoming mainstream. See my post on that amazing documentary on menstruation.
And don’t forget - in some American states they’re considering overturning a bill that prevents women from being fired if they use contraception. In Ireland a woman recently died because she was prevented from having an emergency abortion. The results of the BBC’s report on gender and pay equality last year were appalling. A family member of mine was raped last year and refused to go to the police about it because a close friend of her’s had been shamed by police officers when reporting a sexual assault.
We ain’t doing all that well ourselves.
Honestly one of the main benefits of being bilingual is being able to semi-eloquently express myself about gender inequality, although it’s still far, far more frustrating than doing it in English. I remember in my second ever job interview in Korea in 2010, on the way out one of the older male interviewees said to me in Korean, “And you look great! That’s the most important thing for a woman.” And I kind of just floated out of the room in shock with my mouth open, because although I’d understood, I wasn’t even near able to articulate an immediate and intelligent response. I got the job. And that job was the first step on the ladder for me to getting my Korean residency. It’s something that has always stuck in my throat whenever I’ve thought about it. I sometimes wonder whether it’s one reason I work myself to death - because I’m somehow trying to combat the fear *myself* that I in-part rode that train in Korea to where I am today.
Haha this post got deep. TL;DR: Feminism in Korea is really encouraging. I have high hopes. In the meantime, I’ll just be here shutting down misogynists and doing 16-hour days and getting paidddddddd.
If you truly and genuinely want to help male victims of abuse, you will start speaking about them independently. You will stop bringing them up only when women are talking about their own abuse. You will stop using them as a ‘gotcha’ to discredit claims of male violence. You will stop saying things that you know are are factually incorrect such as “If the victim were a woman, everybody would be talking about this.” or “If the victim were a woman, this already would have been dealt with.” Your misogyny is thinly veiled, and everybody knows your true intentions.
If I am talking about women’s abuse, and my own experience, and you come to me talking about how men are abused too, I will tell you to shut up. It is not because I do not think men can be abused, and it is not because I do not care about male victims of abuse. It is because I can see clearly through your intentions behind bringing it up to me. You are attempting to silence me.
I had a huge falling out with a very close family member a few months ago exactly because of this. I asked him to be quiet after he responded to a female family member talking about abuse against women with ‘what about men,’ and he accused me of being a ‘tyrant’. Lolz.
Wasn't pulling your leg at all! Thats right we cant have everything but I hope things go okay with your family because family is everything! Good vibes all around! :)
Word ❤️💛🧡
I really miss reading your blog. You seem like a cool, outgoing, and smart blogger! Fill us fans in! :)
I can never tell whether these messages are pulling my leg or not 😂
I just don’t have the time or enthusiasm for blogging my personal life any more! But I am very happy and motivated in the real world, thank you Anon friend. I eat yummy stuff and have good friends and an exciting love life and a pup and I go to parties and travel and enjoy my career and my band. Family have been a bit stressful recently but eh, can’t have everything. Thank you for checking up on me!
intellectual men really think they are too smart to be misogynists it’s so funny
Do you find a lot of Korean guys ask you to be "understanding" because they are really "힘들어" right now. Or if you mention something about inconsistent contact they ask you to please "지금 너무 힘들고 바빠서 이해해주세요"? Am I crazy? I feel like this has happened to me over and over...I am not a nagger, I feel like I'm pretty understanding but boyfriends here seem to do this. Gah...I know someone else asked a similar question and your answer was vague, but just wondering if you had any insight....ㅠㅠ
Dont know why but the tone and content of this message really hit me in the ol’ chest a bit. I wanna give you a hug and buy you a drink and then five more drinks and then go to noraebang and scream 2NE1’s “I Don’t Care” followed by “Africa”.
Do you know what? I am going to lay out plain and clear my opinion on this really common complaint among foreign women dating Korean men in Korea. I started thinking about how I would answer this very simply on my phone waiting in the bank earlier, and then my brain just went off on a wild one by itself, and I realised I have a lot pent up in the corners of my being about this topic. So here it is. Four years of experience gleaned by dating and reading and talking and hearing about dating in Korea to try and answer the question: “The Fade: Why the hell does this keep happening to me and what can I do about it?”
Feel free to disagree.
Here is my opinion.
Anon, lovely anon, you are not crazy. You feel crazy because this thing keeps repeating itself and your gut instinct is telling you that it’s bullshit but the fact that you like these men and want them to like you back and you are in a foreign country with ~*culture difference*~ is clouding your better judgment. I know. how. you. feel.
So.
Question: Would you not put up with this behaviour from a good friend?
Another question: Would you not put up with this behaviour from a guy back home?
Two final questions: Is this behaviour consistent? Does it make you feel shit and does he acknowledge that it makes you feel shit but refuses to change or compromise?
First and foremost. If the answer is yes to any of the above then let him go. Let him go. He is not good for you. He is not treating you right. You don’t deserve this. This is not culture difference. THIS IS NOT CULTURE DIFFERENCE. This is douchebag behaviour.Got it? GOT IT?? Good.
No ifs or buts!!! Wait a minute!!!
Have I been on dates with guys in Korea I liked who became inconsistent and flaky with contact? Yes, I have. Have some made these kinds of “But I’m just so busy please understaaaaand” excuses? Yes, they have. Did I try to understand? Yes, I did. Did it get better? No. Did I feel shit about it? Yes. Did I roll about on my friends’ beds in my pyjamas like WHY GOD WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY I HATE MYSELF? Maybe a few times.
“Ok” I hear you say, “But Why does it seem like this only happens to foreign women here??”
Lots of reasons. First reason is: it doesn’t. You just might not hear about all the times it happens to Korean women (and Korean men!). Because what I do think can be pinned down to ~*culture difference*~ is this apparently fairly common way of ‘ending’ things with a romantic partner. I’m not talking about marriages, or long term relationships. I’m talking about the early stages of dating. I’m talking about meeting someone for a while, trying to work out whether you genuinely like that person or not, and then realising you maybe don’t as much as you thought you did and deciding what to do about it. I’m talking about the text messages or phonecalls we might be used to at home: an honest “I’m sorry, I’ve realised I just don’t like you in that way”, or the euphemi-bismal “I’m just not looking for a girlfriend right now.” Even if you’ve been quite intimate with a person, back at home, we still might expect a piece of contact just honestly letting us down.In Korea? In my humble experience I don’t think it is necessarily the same. In a culture where ‘saving face’ is very much an integral part of everyday life, a painfully honest “I just don’t like you enough, sorry”, might seem far more disrespectful or offensive than a softer ”I’m just too busy to meet at the minute”.
Of course, this not an absolute rule. There are foreign guys who beat around the bush, and there are Korean guys who tell it how it is.
Second reason: I outlined here some reasons I think maybe it’s harder sometimes for foreign women in Korea to meet the ‘good guys’. Maybe his motives for wanting to meet with you as a foreigner were not so pure to start with. Maybe he has another girlfriend, who he assumes you can’t find out about because you don’t speak Korean/are removed from his social circle/he is not even bothered either way because he’s that much of a twat* (delete as appropriate). Maybe he knows in the back of his head that you two could never be anything long term.
Whatever his reason, this leads me on to what I believe to be a very simple equation: flaky, inconsistent contact and excuses for flaky, inconsistent contact = he is just not that into you.
(I’m sorry it’s mean I know)
Is this 100% always, always the case? Of course not. Obviously people are PEOPLE and not robots and so no guidelines on human behaviour can ever be followed down to a T. Yes he MIGHT just be insanely busy with work. He MIGHT not be able to look at his phone all day. He MIGHT have a grandmother who he needs to visit in hospital at the weekends, or a friend’s wedding suddenly when you’d arranged to meet, or parents who don’t like him staying out late or away from home, or unexpected work meals and overtime all the time, or exams, or assignments, or a pushy boss, or or or or or or. But my genuine, gut, serious, honest, brutal, basic opinion is that if a Korean guy - ANY guy - keeps saying he is too busy to see you or even talk to you, to the point where it is making you feel neglected and anxious, then he just does not feel the same way about you as you do him. Fin.
What is one thing that makes me certain I can know this as fact? Simple. Because I am fucking busy!!!!! I am 너무 너무 너무 힘들어! I feel like, DUDE, if I like you enough to make the time in my million hour work days to make you feel a little appreciated then you can be DAMN sure that I am not putting up with anything less from your sorry ass.
*breathes through nostrils*
Sorry where was I.
“So how can I stop it from happening to me again????” You wail, I wail, we all wail in a chorus of exasperation while refreshing our Tumblr dashboards and mixing soju-tears with mouthfuls of 7-11 Haagen Daaz ice cream that cost like a days’ wage but you’re so pissed off right now you don’t even CARE.
Easy answer: You can’t. There is no magic filter for sale on g-market which weans out the Bad Korean Men, just as there is no way to protect yourself from being treated like a butt wipe by any man anywhere in the world. However there are things you can do. Look out for signs. If a guy can’t even manage to make a great first impression on you, then things are unlikely to get any better. Meet his friends, be involved in his life, if he hurts you tell him he has hurt you, go on dates, travel together, do all of the things that normal couples do.And most importantly: be yourself. Trying to be someone else, or making yourself into something else, or forcing yourself to settle for less because he is trying to tell you that you should never helped anyone. Why? Because that shit is impossible to keep up. Then, when it does all inevitably crumble to pieces, you will only kick yourself for making allowances for that no-good piece of trash.
THIS I KNOW!!!!
Finally: at the end of the day, someone can be as culturally different from you as humanly possible, they can have grown up on a deserted island raised by alpacas having never spoken to another human, he or she can be a kakao talk alien head from another planet, and it does not matter. If they do not know how to make you happy, or they are making you unhappy, and there seems to be zero room for understanding or compassion or compromise on their part, then they are just not the person for you.
Stop that. No buts. I said stop it. You deserve better.
THE END!
Ughhhhhhh well I’m glad that I had rationalized that there is no way anyone is THAT busy, business owner or not. AND I’m glad I wasn’t sympathetic to him last night. He is cancelled!
When I first read this, I was in the middle of a string of these kind of guys and I kind of wanted to exemplify how different things were with the person I married. When I met Dasol, his mom had just been diagnosed with cancer and he was in school and getting ready to start job hunting. He was busy and tried to spend as much time as possible at home with his sick mother. Still, he would message me constantly, send me pictures, stupid memes, and made a schedule for us to meet that rarely changed from week to week. When he had finals, he told me ahead of time that he would be unable to talk during the day, but would always message during a break and if he was going out of the library to eat dinner, he would ask me if I could come meet him. People who care about you, will try to be around you, even when it’s hard. Rationalizing the opposite behavior and talking myself into being understanding and accommodating is one of my biggest regrets during the time I was dating here. It really hurt my sense of self worth and it pushed me to subconsciously believe that I deserved less or whatever this other person was willing to give. Don’t do it. Tell yourself you won’t, and cancel his ass~~~
Totally agree. A while after writing this original post, I started seeing a guy who was a personal trainer. He worked two shifts per day at separate gyms outside of Seoul to pay off debt he had from a recent failed business. One shift was from 6am till midday, and the other shift was from 4pm till 11pm.
I lived and still live in Gangnam. The guy would finish his first shift at 11pm, drive the 40 minutes in the dark from his work to my house to be with me, and then leave at 5am again (while it was still dark) to do the 40 minute drive back. Even if I was asleep the whole time, he would just climb in my bed, spoon and sleep himself, and then leave as quietly as he could at five. I would regularly wake up to small gifts or snacks and notes from him left in my house.
We broke up after two years (and he didn't have that work schedule the whole time) but like ... that truly hit it home for me. If a guy likes you, he will go the distance. Quite literally. He will make an effort, no matter how overworked, successful, stressed, or famous.
And now I am busier even than I was when I wrote that post, and I still make time for the guys I like. So any man that ever tries to tell me otherwise can show himself out! 💁🏼♀️
ALSO it has been five years since I wrote that original post. FIVE. YEARS. Crazy.
Last night a male estate agent in his forties that I have spoken to a few times about moving house responded to my entirely professional inquiry with 'hi, pretty'
?????
I shut him the FUCK down and made a complaint to his boss. He sent me twelve messages apologizing and said he will never speak to a female client like that again.
So yeah. This. I have for real developed zero-level tolerance for male entitlement BS and it feels g-reat.
