Couples are always hiring me to stand next to their fake electric fireplaces and pop my knuckles, knees, hips, etc to simulate the sound of a real log burning. They can enjoy a few romantic nights this way but inevitably one or both of them develops an insatiable lust for my hypermobile and easily-injured joints and their relationship falls apart
Dinner time fellas
That bitch didnt stand a chance
HE FUCKING ATE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
assistant: and don't forget sir that you have a meeting this afternoon with the stakeholders
dracula:
Anonymous asked:
What are some things that turn on?
did u forget the word ‘you’ or do u really want to learn about the wonders of electricity from me
good morning everyone my pig stole a box of top ramen out of the pantry, ate 11 bags, then laid in the noodley carnage how are you all doing
russellwilson
russellwilson
omg i am getting a ton of comments and messages worrying if he’s okay so here’s an update:
he is totally fine! he tears the plastic open and ate only the noodles, didn’t touch the flavor packets either. then he slept it off all day. he actually went to the vet on monday for a check up and they said he is very healthy, just a little fat (150 pounds!)
Thank you all for your concern his royal highness is a-okay he just does what he wants
russellwilson
his royal swineness……………..
Just an Elite Knight armor
I feel like today is a Gunky Acrylic on shitty newspaper style kind of day.