Now obviously John Mulaney has had a profound affect on all our lives, but without a doubt to me one of the most impactful things he has ever said was: “Whatever. This might as well happen. Adult life is already so goddamn weird.” That has become one of my guiding life philosophies.

Tumblr Code.

This is an absolute tumblr relic. I feel like an archaeologist right now. This is incredible that this is on my dash.

this is from an era long passed

It’s a godsdamned antique.

something i wish i had realized earlier: you can write poems on the same subject more than once. you can write, paint, draw the same thing over and over if you want to. you can spend your whole life making art about oranges. i think i always felt this pressure to get it right the first time like i couldn’t go back and use that inspiration again. but you can. you can go back and revisit it. you can pick up the conversation again and again if you have more to say.

op I love and support you but not to this extent

She’s the…

rotoscope ☼ ☽

2 gays and 8 little hecklers

mr sandman

man me a sand

Make it the cutest man car door hook hand

gravity falls season 1 part 2 x

part 1

Guys, look. They finally made a baby stroller for wheelchair-bound mothers. This is so important.

My wife is a physical therapist.  She started tearing up when I showed this to her.

I love seeing ableist norms broken.

I sent my dog outside for standing on the dining room table. This was his response.

REBELLION. 

You know what, developing boys shouldn’t be seeing this either. I’ve seen plenty of grown men who barely know what real (ie not photoshopped) women look like, especially in swim suits. Which leads to girls getting teased about their body by their peers from a young age.

No one should look at this shit

Giveaways that someone is American, as told by non-Americans.

Accurate.

This is oddly comforting.

Idk why I was expecting a list of negative shit

We do do these things a lot and it’s so nice to hear them in a positive light because so often I feel like we’re hated on. Never in my life have I had someone from another country call us friendly. They always say we’re loud and obnoxious (not that that’s not true, it often can be). It’s such a relief to hear something else.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

hey op? What the fuck. Like this isn’t even some random thing either this is what you hear when you’ve been driving for too long along a dark Nevada road and your headlights turn off. This is what you hear in the back of your head when you wake up in the desert with no memory of the previous night. What the fuck.

I really want to hear an update on this:

This is the plot of the next Mamma Mia sequel.

(source)

Whoa, I didn’t realize that it was so deliberate, I honestly thought it was unconscious

Scary, scary.

Gonna add on to this: From the other side of the bar, I see this crap all the time. Seriously. I work at a high-density bar, and let me tell you, I have anywhere from 10-20 guys every night come up and tell me to, “serve her a stronger drink, I’m trying to get lucky tonight, know what I mean?” usually accompanied with a wink and a gesture at a girl who, in my experience, is going to go from mildly buzzed to definitively hammered if I keep serving her. Now, I like to think I’m a responsible bartender, so I usually tell guys like that to piss off, and, if I can, try to tell the girl’s more sober friends that they need to keep an eye on her. But everyone- just so you know, most of the time, when someone you don’t know is buying you a drink, they’re NOT doing it out of a sense of cordiality, they’re buying you a drink for the sole purpose of making you let your guard down. So:

Tips for getting drinks-

1. ALWAYS GO TO THE BAR TO GET YOUR OWN DRINK, DO NOT LET STRANGERS CARRY YOUR DRINKS. This is an opportune time for dropping something into your cocktail, and you’re none the wiser.

2.IF YOU ORDER SOMETHING NON-ALCOHOLIC, I promise you, the bartender doesn’t give two shits that you’re not drinking cocktails with your friends, and often, totally understands that you don’t want to let your guard down around strangers. Usually, you can just tell the bartender that you’d like something light, and that’s a big clue to us that you’re uncomfortable with whomever you’re standing next to. Again, we see this all the time.

3. If you’re in a position to where you feel uncomfortable not ordering alcohol:

Here’s a list of light liquors, and mixers that won’t get you drunk, and will still look like an actual cocktail:

X-rated + sprite = easy to drink, sweet, and 12% alcoholic content. Not strong at all, usually runs $6-$8, depending on your state.

Amaretto + sour= sweet, not strong, 26%.

Peach Schnapps+ ginger ale= tastes like mellow butterscotch, 24%.

Melon liquor (Midori, in most bars) + soda water = not overly sweet, 21%

Coffee liquor (Kahlua) +soda = not super sweet, 20%.

Hope this helps someone out!

Backing this up from years of bar tending.

Watch: Poet Melissa Newman-Evans confesses number 9 is “the most terrifying thing to think about yourself.”

Remember this.

just in case nobody told you today: