My father and I play this… game… in which we both pretend to be attempting to assassinate each other. When we serve the other food or drink, we’ll adopt the most suspicious mannerisms and wording possible, as though the food were secretly poisoned and we are eagerly waiting for them to eat it and die.
The other player pretends that they know their food is poisoned, but must feign ignorance and try to come up with subtle excuses not to eat/drink it without seeming rude or directly confronting the other about the attempted kinslaying.
Wholesome family bonding.
Last night my father brought me “a nice tall glass of ice water” and stood there watching me closely as I sipped it. I pretended to swallow, at which point he threw his head back and laughed maniacally.
While he was laughing, I spit the entire mouthful of water that I’d been holding in my mouth onto his shirt, patted my chest, and said, “Oh, dear, Father; I’m afraid this water was just too cold. I need to let it warm up. Why don’t I make us some… tea.”
Another thing we do is imply that we have set lethal traps for each other.
“Goodnight Father,” I’ll tell him (because Father with a capital F is the most sinister and threatening thing you can call your dad). “I hope you sleep well tonight. Very well. It would be a shame if something… disturbed you.“ In response, he’ll make an offhand remark about needing to Google the upper age limit for sudden infant death syndrome, or he’ll bring up my “inheritance” and the possibility that he might have worthy bastard children somewhere.
My mother does not like our game.
it’s 10:42 PST. it’s beer crab time
Like if you’d top off his Guinness.
Reblog to have this one with him.
Ignore to step on a really sharp rock next time you’re at the beach.
fixed a problem at work that i vaguely saw a manager fix once and i did it faster which means that i get to take his skin i get to take his skin i get to take his skin i get to take his skin i get to take his skin i get to take his skin
i comen to get you :D
saw this on Twitter and started laughing so hard I had to stop walking to cough up a lung I've never been this hysterical in my life
after cranking that thang
in the TikTok robot lady voice
Yeah sure I'll reblog that
every year I post this meme and every year people get more mad at me than they did the previous year
my family fucked up my life by using spoonerisms interchangeably with their true phrase counterparts since before i was born and now i can’t escape from instinctively saying shit like “im gonna shake a tower”
oh “meeking a smee” made me feel like i was being fucking tazed
theres a lot of people on this website who dont realize their dad is a gnome
I have OCD and with that comes quasi-hallucinations, and I grew up watching a ton of horror films so some of the worst of mine are the standard white skin/black hair demon girl type shit.
However, because a lot of them are based on horror film I have found comfort in doing things that “go against” horror films and being like “see? This could never happen.”
(It’s irrational. I know that. But shut up. This is how I cope.)
For example: I started hearing garbled whispering from beneath my table, so I started playing the muppets sound track. Because they would never play Movin’ Right Along when the protagonist is about to get attacked. That won’t happen. Disney, who owns the muppets, wouldn’t give them the rights.
And it fucking worked.
copyrightbreeches-deactivated20
Guitar pick used by Nine Inch Nails in the 90s
the deep sea creatures when a scientist shows up with a flashlight outta no where
Recently discovered that Dr Dre's "Keep Their Heads Ringin" matches up uncannily well with the Cardcaptor Sakura OP
Thank God It's Cardcaptor Sakura Friday
reminder to clench your jaw, slouch your spine, and put a dirty mug somewhere you will forget about it
This post is ancient and stupid but I still laugh whenever I see it
sipnet
House is pregnant
good for him!!!!
it was a baby girl! what should he name her?
all VERY good suggestions!
fat tummy peeking out from the bottom of someone's shirt should receive the same appreciation that's given to tasteful cleavage in a low-cut top or a little bit of asscheek poking out from tiny shorts. this would improve society
i made this post while thinking gay thoughts about my girlfriend's fat tummy and didn't expect it to take off, but i am very glad to see that the Has Excellent Taste community on this site is so large
