how to heal that sagittarius smiling depression - you're not too much

with a sagittarius sun/mc, a stellium in sagittarius, and jupiter (with juno conjunct) as not only my dominant planet but also the highest planet in my birth chart, being too much has been something of a theme throughout my life. too much for school, too much for lovers, for friends, etc. it was this narrative that kept circling back again and again in my life until i completely disconnected from my sagittarius sun side, and hid physically, psychologically, and emotionally in my 4th house moon in gemini.

GIF by elissamae603

being born 20 minutes into the full moon meant i was already quite split in my personality and my life and it would be easy to forget one polarity for the other, and in my early twenties, i completely detached from my sagittarius sun. in other words, i lost faith that things will eventually work out and didn't bother to try. i had so many unfinished projects. i would start things, so many things, and then give up. i studied and planned things to death, always preparing to 'go out there' one day but never really giving it a chance. i kept myself small, manageable. i overthought things so much and based it all on past failures or the past failures of others or made excuses like 'there's already too many people doing that kind of thing.' i would have so much luck in relationships that seemed to just fall right on my lap, and for the first few months would be in this fully optimistic sagittarius energy where im believing it could be forever, and then be haunted by what a previous relationship did to me in the past and completely sabotage the whole thing. i never stuck anywhere or with anyone long enough to reach past a point of no return. no. not the way i did when i was young and fully in that energy.

GIF by el-fridlo

the recent full moon in cancer just passed and the events around it have made me think a lot of what keeps me going now. and in a word, it's faith. not faith as in a religious or spiritual belief, but faith as in this relentless mental belief that things will work out, even if you don't feel it in your heart. it's not something that the mercury (virgo, gemini) part of our psyche can comprehend. it's too crazy for that; crazy, and bold. it's like when someone flirts with you and you're like how dare you but in that moment they already have your heart. it's an arrow shot through the fog. it's complete stupidity, that's why mercury is in detriment in sagittarius. but stupidity that gets you an amazing life and keeps you doing things that make you feel truly alive in the world. we don't act on what we think is right to do, we act based upon our opinions. and the pure sagittarian opinion is: i can probably have it.

i've used this to my own detriment before. being completely optimistic and effortful about something that i actually truthfully didn't even like anymore. i wasn't in touch with my moon in gemini which represented my own needs, my boundaries, my emotions. gemini represents conscious thought, and sagittarius represents faith you act upon. both work hand in hand.

there's a maxim floating around, "there's no way out but through." there's no way out but maybe i'll get what i want. my actions may seem too much, too bold, too daring for this kind of world, i may give so much more than i get back, but most people base all of their actions upon past experiences, mine are based on a probable future, a small but believable way out of this madness.

fin.

"he looks up grinning like a devil" has been stuck in my head throughout writing this and that's so jupiter energy. just in case anyone needs a reference.

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