Mayonnaise

unironically I would salute this

oh nvm this is my new favorite

WE AUTISTIC WISCONSIN MOTHERFUCKERS GIVE ME YOUR WALLET

(via @flowerygraves)

i got these knockoff boots online and instead of the brand name on the tag they have the name of an apparently nonexistent martin scorsese movie??? what the fuck

How the fuck does his have less than 200k after setting the internet on fire for months

This lack of notes is probably a big part of why TikTok seems to think they invented the meme.

They think WHAT?!

what a beautiful day to not be in high school

You cum inside of me and everything fades to black except by a message in the middle of the void that says you can now summon me in battle then the message fades away and everything goes back to normal

none pizza with left beef

It should be a rule of Tumblr to always reblog none pizza with left beef

ive missed you

@hellsite-hall-of-fame

This is a really, really, really excellent basic primer on changing a flat.

The most important safety tips in this video:

1 - Never trust a jack to support a car (do not work on or get under a car supported only by a jack; that is why he says to put the flat tire under the frame while you put the spare on) 2 - Don't put a donut spare on the front of your car, take the good tire off the back and put it on the front, then put the donut on the back (If you have a full-size spare, it is fine to put the full size spare on the front - a donut spare will be much smaller than your regular tire, so it should be very obvious if it's a donut).

If you've never changed a tire before I strongly recommend getting out your spare, jack, and wrench and practicing taking off your tire and putting it on in a safe, low-stakes, non emergency environment. Take half an hour some time to make sure the parts are all where you need them to be, that you know how to remove the various covers and equipment, etc.

Changing a tire is pretty easy if you've got all the tools and know how to do it, but is almost impossible if you don't have a jack and you didn't know that until you got a flat. You should check your spare, jack, and wrench today, and you should plan a time soon to practice jacking your car up and removing/replacing a tire.

Modern poetry

I feel compelled to add the doge version

Horrors

Get hot water, not boiling hot but almost hotter than you can stand, and put a metal spoon in it for a few seconds. Take the spoon and put it against the mosquito bite for about 30 seconds. Do it a few times if you like. The proteins that cause the itching are susceptible to heat and break down.

WHY DON’T THEY TEACH THIS SHIT I have four decades of suffering from skeeter bites behind me

One study on 146 individuals treated with a Bite-Away heat pen found similarly effective results from heat treatment; thankfully, spoons dunked in water cost way less than the Bite-Away’s 30 bucks.

You can also blast the bite with a hair dryer - learned this from my mom and it works great

travelling back to the paleolithic era to explain to a neanderthal that in the future there will be food that is simultaneously disgusting and also the best tasting food you've ever eaten. the neanderthal nods and says "oh yeah we have that" and leads me to a clearing in the woods where a perfectly normal mcdonalds sits.

We need to have a nomination for “Stupidest thing Tumblr.com has ever believed” and just move into an official Top 10 List.

For my nominations, I’m putting up:

or

I can’t decide which is more beautiful. It’s why we need a vote.

this is a picture of the human brain at the moment of death. tragic and beautiful

Fuck. That is a damn good nomination.

if you close your eyes when the train hits your brain will assume you are dead. Some find this comforting.

We’re getting into the good ones now. This is some classic Tumblr.

Two old favourites:

“Bitch, That’s the Tubby Custard Machine” (http://imgur.com/gallery/IObQF)

and the horse dildo that was passed off as someone’s arm. (http://abakkus.tumblr.com/post/48958415162)

This is rapidly becoming a master post of ignorances and I could not possibly be happier.

Rare blue watermelon

That disease where you get purple eyes, no period, and no body hair

How have we gone this far without anyone mentioning the bird in the chocolate fountain

soap makes water molecules smaller

I nominate the “we are killing the earth” picture of the earth in comparison from 1978 to 2012

the dog with the slice of ham on its face that everyone thought was a gigantic burn scar

“Tequila is the only alcohol thats not a depressant so you can drink as much of it as you like”

that post with the picture of the joker without makeup and people thinking it was a real person and defending him

that photo of voldemort being passed off as an aborted fetus

The two way mirror

“listen here, cumslut.”

I can’t believe you guys forgot someone trying to pass off a picture of the inside of a fig as a microscopic view of the inside of a vagina.

I can’t believe I was on Tumblr for every single one of these posts.

all the links on this post are broken and some arent given so heres a compilation of links for the stupidest things tumblr has believed (i tried to find the og post for most of these but some of them are posts/articles about said posts)

infinite chocolate hack

berensta/ein bears (mandela effect)

mri scan walking dead gif

train gif brain thinks you died

tubby custard machine

horse dildo

moonmelon (and variations)

alexandria’s genisis

bird chocolate fountain og post

soap shrinks water molecules

we are killing the earth

ham on dog

tequila isnt a depressant

earth is lumpy

joker without makeup

voldemort fetus

two way mirror og post

fig vagina

hey folks,,,,,... glad 2 b here on tubblr . here's a little self-portrait of me,, a human male

on my way to work at the job factory :) lets get this bread !, and by bre,d i mean human money dollars haha. dont even like bred

feeding the ducks

(disclaimer: i do Not live in thi,s pond. i live in a home House.)

ah . allow me to introduce my two lovely childen . Child and Baby . :) they are both just regular Men just like their old man(me)

fun fact about me: When I was 6 years old I sent so much hate mail to the president (the second Bush) that the mail carrier had to tell my mom I needed to stop before we got FBI’d

I was COMPLETELY unaware of the US political scene or why the adults in my life hated Bush, but I knew I hated him because he let people shoot wolves from helicopters and that’s mean and shitty

I also had a poor grasp on how stamps worked, so given that I wasn’t allowed to continually throw money away by putting stamps on my presidential hate mail, a lot of the times I just drew squares with little pictures inside on the corner.

Love, love, love reading more proof that everyone should encourage the children in their lives to write to elected officials--it teaches them about citizenship and can also be very funny.

When I taught second grade, one of the options for students who had finished their work was to write a letter to the president. I would send all of the letters in a big envelope at the end of every month.

Watching my students get more and more frustrated with him (and concerned about his wellbeing) was not the result I'd hoped for when I came up with the idea, but it was kind of hilarious.

See, Obama had a standard packet with information and activities about his dog he'd send in response to letters from very young citizens...and of course his office sent one back to our class every single time we sent mail.

So eventually all of the letters looked something like this:

Oh look, it’s campus-police officer Lt. John Pike who pepper-sprayed peaceful protesters at University of California Davis.

And UCD reportedly payed $175,000 for this image to not appear when you search it on google:

Darn shame if this circulated…

So you mean to tell me that just by reblogging this I’m ruining an organizations plan, wasting them money, and uncovering some shitbag humans awful behaviour?

T R I P L E K I L L

DEFINITELY don’t Lt. John Pike by the nickname “Sargeant Pepper”; I know he HATES that.

M-M-M-MULTIKILL!

fuck that last pic got me i won't pass this opportunity by

Boss is asleep, cannot stop me from frogposting

First like and this has already found its intended audience

uh oh