@marsupieaux on Tumblr

Reblogged

Using this inaugural grad school tumblr post to just yell about my woes bc idk, life is objectively not bad but I am really feeling the frustrations of living in a new city and the time crunch of only having 2 years in this mf.. mostly just feel old and lonely, and I can't think of a sadder more pathetic combo ~

on the plus side: i've never been hotter in my entire life, i finally found a groove and a crumb of inspiration in my coursework, arguably had the best summer of my life meeting new friends, and even more debatedly experienced a type of romantic connection for the first time in nearly a decade that i actually believed in.

what sucks is a lot, but lets start with that this masters program is presenting a lot more annoying and (frankly) heartbreaking challenges than i anticipated that have fractured my perception of this place and my purpose being here. i had such high hopes and expectations and truly just fantasized about this opportunity for years, and now that i'm here, i just feel more let down than inspired. at least for right now. i don't know if this is for me; i feel like i can be successful at it, forsure, but i end most days feeling empty inside. at least a little bit. i'm adding all these caveats bc it's true, some days and mb even quite often i can find something positive about this experience and how i'm growing bc of it, but good lord.. i do not fuck with at least half of the people im obligated to interact with in this program, everybody kinda already has their own people and i don't feel like there's opportunity for me to actually find friends to be with, and the coursework itself was off to a bumpy start and is just not giving what i thought it would. i'm mustering up the patience to push thru this bc i know it's not even a month in, but fuck! i'm lonely and old and i only have 2 years here to make the most of it.

secondly, and i'm probably gonna just word-vomit right now bc i'm still not entirely sure of what to make of things, but i definitely got my little heart broken recently. i started going on dates with a guy in an open relationship, and long story short, i for some reason was led to believe that maybe i could be his boyfriend too. it turns out that was never the case and probably won't ever be the case. i'm trying to make peace with that fact bc, like, i obviously respect that boundary and the kind of love that this person and their partner have with one another, but fuck! what the fuck were we doing all summer long then? just opening up our hearts to one another, sucking each other's dicks, going on picnic dates, kissing and cuddling in our beds—doing all of this just for fun?

i'll forever be grateful that this person touched my heart and helped me unearth a side of myself that i hadn't experienced in so fucking long. like, just genuinely grateful bc romantic love has felt so weird and shameful and like something i had to forbid myself from experiencing. and so when i got to really feel that feeling again... i felt so lucky and so happy and so grateful. but fuck! now i'm left with lingering hopes and mixed emotions about it all. did he lead me to believe that this could've been something greater? or is it more that i walked into this blithely ignorant, setting myself up for disaster? idk what version of reality stings the most. i wanna believe in not just the goodness of this person's heart but also the righteousness of it, idk. if i liked him so much.. if i trusted him like i did, then how could he do this to me? i say this jokingly but also not, i am just a baby when it comes to dating again. and i also wanna believe that i did the right thing, chased after love rather than ran from it. that i was brave and gentle and that it was okay to let my guard down for once bc i was gonna get the ending that i deserve. i spent years, especially the last 1.75, building myself back up to a place to let this kind of romantic love back into my life. i finally felt confident and ready. to think that i myself made a mistake and played with my own heart... that just makes me hate myself with how much disappointment I feel.

just so im clear with myself, i do believe that i'm coping much better with these stresses in my life much better than i ever would have before. *screams internally* but it sure as FUCK isn't any easier. i think i would be in a much better head space if i felt like i had a stronger network of friends here, but i just don't have that. and my own network of amazing beautiful loving friends and family—they're just so far and have their own things going on. with time, they're all growing more in their romantic partnerships and other friendships nearer to them in a way that's so cool to bare witness, but it also means that i get left further and further behind. im not asking to be more of a priority in their lives by any means, but shit i guess i wish that i even had anybody that saw me in that way. someone or some kind of community that i can feel connected with and love on back. i fear that i don't rly have that anymore. it's hard to find that again in new places, too.

i'm cautiously optimistic. i've been hurt and scorned and disappointed, but i don't think i'll turn (prolongedly, incessantly) weak or sour. life is always gonna remind me that i can't have it all, but god damn it, this is all that i got. i'm gonna find the wherewithal to persevere even if it means fashioning out of my ass the inspiration and purpose to keep going. like mitski said, you kinda just have to buckle up and take the good that comes with the bad. so if these first few weeks i find myself white knuckling my way to peace and happiness, then so fucking be it. by any means necessary, im gonna be okay.

i'm gonna be okay.