DITCH YOUR SHITTY FRIENDS Part 2
Continuing on the topic of shitty friends and when to ditch them, make sure you remove people from your life, no matter how close you are, if they;
Exclude you; Now, it is normal that one cannot follow and participate in every activity their group does or sometimes gets left out, but not very often. If they are hush hush about plans they make, avoid the subject, give you excuses that sound suspicious or insist they cannot come to some event you really want to go to, especially if more than one of them cannot go, then they are lying. If they never try to change the date or time of an activity so it suits you, if the tickets were always sold out, if they never thought you would be interested in something, they are excluding you. If they can only celebrate your birthday on a day which is absolutely impossible for you, they are excluding you. They might think you are good enough only to hang out with when no one else is available, when they need a ride to go on a trip, when they need another person to get the discounted price, etc. they might think you don't have the right look, manners, name, etc. If you find yourself being excluded do not take it personally. They might be jealous of you, which is the case more often than not. As vain as it sounds, during my freshman year in college, i found out that my girl group was excluding me because they felt too insecure to go out with me. I was fit and pretty, well dressed and they felt too chubby and unpolished next to me, as i would always get attention and respect from guys, professors, other students, etc. I would have never imagined it and it made me quite sad to learn they felt like this about themselves. They were saying some mean things about me too. They tried to use me to help them study, i was onto them however. I took my honor student notes, talents and efforts and made other friends. Together, we graduated with good grades and had tons of fun during our college years. We are still dear friends and they are wonderful people. My advice? Remove yourself from this group, participate in activities you love, work on yourself, live a fabulous life and when they realize what they missed out on, they will look so pathetic trying to get back into your fabulous life. You are too good for anyone who does not appreciate you.
Use you as a means to a goal; We all want to surround ourselves with great people, people we can learn from, travel with, network through, etc. We are all attracted to people who are polished, beautiful, fun and smart. It is human nature. Sometimes, we underestimate how much we have to offer and how much other people want what we have; our connections, money, looks, style, skills, knowledge, etc. When people seem interested in something specific too soon, or too focused on it, that is a huge red flag, especially when they do not reciprocate. I had girls try to get to know me so i would introduce them to my brother or cousins. They were not honest about it though, they pretended to be interested in being my true friend, when they were trying to get with my family. And everybody knows women are the gatekeepers in social circles. They might wanna get invited to your summerhouse, backstage, get free entrance, get notes from classes they did not attend, etc. Again, there is nothing wrong with wanting to connect with people who have something to offer. However, when they approach you with only a specific goal in their mind, and no interest or respect for you and who you are as a person, then they gotta be stopped at the gate, turned around and kicked to the curb. When someone is never there for you when you need them, and never help you or offer some type of positive experience to you, they are using you. If you invite them to your house, wine and dine them, but are never there for you during a health issue, help them get a job by introducing them to the right people and putting in a good word, but they never call you when they know they could help you somehow, they are using you. Relationships need to be mutually beneficial.
Don't invest in you; There is no such thing as a free lunch. Well, not exactly. I am a generous person, and i like generous people. I don't expect anything in return when i help someone, or when i pay it forward. I loathe tit for tat people. I believe in living your life from the outside in. Keep giving and offering yourself and resources to people around you. Be kind, be helpful. Don't let others take advantage of you however. If you have not read 'The Gift' by Mauss, go ahead. People are social beings, relationships are dynamic and are always being shaped and transformed at any moment. We build relationships, by how we treat others. We invest our time, energy, resources in them. If one spends no time on you than necessary to get what they want, if they never call, never pay for lunch or coffee, never buy you a gift on your birthday, never share their network or knowledge with you, honey sorry to be the one to break it to you, those friends are using you. You are something on the sidelines and they pick you up and set you aside whenever it is convenient. You deserve at least just as much effort as you put in to other people. Plus, why would you want to be friends with this type of people?
Don't help you; Connecting to my previous point. No one has the energy to save anyone. We are all busy with our lives and our problems. However, a great part of being friends is sharing our burdens, our problems and worries. Decent people have empathy. Decent friends help their friends out. It doesn't matter if it is something small or something big. We can always find a way to help. I remember staying up for several nights in a row to listen to my friend, on 12 hour days, after practice and not even feeling tired cause i was so focused and moved by what she was dealing with. We can always be there for someone, listen to them, encourage them to take action, help them strategize and find a solution. We can help someone move from a house to another, share the contact info of someone's services they need, whether that is a doctor or a manicurist, a shopping assistant, an online platform for learning. It doesn't matter. Decent friends help each other, and they're not selfish. That should be the bare minimum for any friendship you have!
Don't introduce you and push you forward; I hinted to this before, and i will explain more now. I will say this again and again, because i believe in it so profoundly. People are doors. To so many things. One of them, is other people or groups of people. Knowing someone, being friends with someone can open the gates of hell or the gates of paradise for you. I have personal experience with both. And i have personal experience with women gatekeeping people and knowledge, or discouraging you indirectly, because they are so afraid of your potential and your energy. As conceited as it sounds, i know i can outshine some people sometimes, without trying. Some people have this natural ability. People who are secure in themselves, and want to see others shine, friends who care for you and want to help you will root for you and check you when u re falling behind, when you lose your focus. They will speak highly of you in front of the right people and drag you kicking and screaming in rooms you are too scared to enter. Because they know you are great and they want you to manifest that. To transform into it. Friends help friends girl. Ditch those insecure little girlies. You deserve better.
Don't consider your problems, their problems; I mentioned this before, but as Kevin Heart said, 'we're best friends, and that means, your bullshit is my bullshit and my bullshit is your bullshit'. I am not his biggest fan but those words are so true. Honey, if i'm your best friend, i will drive you to the therapist and pick you up, i will take care of you when you're sick, i will teach you how to cook and i will hold your hand through the toughest times. No problem is too big or too scary. When you care for someone, you pour your love into them anyway you can. I have overcome the toughest times of my life, because i knew my best friend was there to listen to me and knowing she cared helped me immensely. Knowing someone is there at your lowest moments is a source of immense strength. You would do the same for them, and if you wouldn't, ask yourself what type of friend you are.
Copy you all them time; And I mean all the time. You do not need that. Listen, we all take inspiration from the ones closest to us and we all put others on to some things, same goes for our friends. They show us stuff we sometimes choose to integrate into our style.I started yoga because of a friend, she started running and eating healthy. I cut my hair after her suggestion because she likes her hair short anyway. But we are very different people and that is the beauty of relationship. You don't need a groupie, and you don't need someone who doesn't have their own identity. You don't need someone who can't put two and two together and leeches onto you to get your life. That is the worst type of person to have around. Run while you still can.
Talk down to you; Now everybody knows better than to try and be sleek with me. From acquaintances i meet once a year to my relatives. I am very polite and well mannered, but i hold my head high and i look people in the eye. People rarely make an off hand comment and i check them real fast. And i'm polite about it too, i smile all the way through my comeback and some more. They get the message, and if they try and gaslight me and say i am overreacting i keep smiling and keep looking them straight into their eyes. Honey, they know. You know. People around you know. Better than have people think you overreact once than let them think they can try you. None of my friends talk down to me. I had a childhood friend i let get away with it for a long time because i knew she was so insecure next to me, because she didn't like her looks and her brother and father where horrible so she did not have any good relationships with the male sex. On the other hand, the men in my family are pretty open minded, feminist and respectful and i had lots of male friends as a child. I stopped letting her get away with it, she never admitted to anything but she stopped being able to look me in the eye after a while. Don't get me wrong, i love her and always will, i just don't like her and therefore i cut her off.
