A Day In The Life Of Our Cavemen Ancestors

UDASH: Our hands didn’t evolve to make symbols in the dirt. They evolved to grab fish out of a stream. They weren’t designed for scratching out “here’s where the rock is.” You’ll ruin your hands.

KRANDAR: I think my hands can probably do all of those things, maybe.

UDASH: Do you think our Australopithicus forebears would have used their hands for dust-scrawlings? They weren’t even bipedal, man. We shouldn’t even really be walking. We should be using all four of our limbs to scrabble our way from tree to tree. This living on the ground shit isn’t natural. 

KRANDAR: I like living on the ground.

UDASH: It’s artificial.

KRANDAR: I don’t know what that means, either.

UDASH: It’s not what we’re supposed to be doing.

KRANDAR: It’s — that’s not the point. You just keep finding fault with goddamn everything. And you act like there was this one magical time when we were perfectly evolved into harmony with our surroundings, as if human evolution isn’t just a series of various tradeoffs and compromises with our constantly-changing environment, and this insistently regressive attitude is really shitty because it totally ignores our current circumstances and frankly I do not have the time or the resources to hang out in trees scanning the horizon for fish or whatever, because I don’t have that much spare time to recreationally reenact whatever our pre-cavemen ancestors got up to before getting gored to death —

Paintings That Wikimedia Commons Has Inaccurately Labeled "Seduction In Art"

A season of blood and of bone. 

This wasn’t his year. This wouldn’t be his year.

Cut his throat, take his throne.

“I have another few years in me before I’m ready to take a crack at that title,” he told reporters. “I have a feeling I could still get a little sexier.”

That was always good for a few laughs.

What we do, we do for beauty.

Privately, he asked his agent — who had seen more than a few Ceremonies — how to handle the knife. She had looked steadily in his eyes for a minute, then nodded.

“You’ll want to apply enough pressure that you sever the major arteries without cutting too deeply into his neck and risk exposing the trachea and the esophagus,” she said. “It’s messy, and it’s embarrassing, and it’s never a good sign for the year to come. You want a clean bloodletting.”

He smiled, and nodded, as if that was a normal conversation to have with your agent.

“This might not be your year, though,” she added, but neither of them believed it.

Only one Sexiest Man Alive can live in the world at a time.

What does 100 calories' worth of food really look like?

If you are in the Bay Area and would like to listen to a reading of Texts From Jane Eyre/hang out with me, come by Books Inc in the Marina tomorrow around 7pm. If you are not (or you do not), simply carry on with your life as planned. Thank you for your time.

"Writer and co-owner of the cult-favorite site, The Toast, and with contributions regularly appearing on Gawker, The Awl, and The Hairpin, the wise and witty Mallory Ortberg shares her irreverent mash-up that brings the characters from your favorite books into the twenty-first century, Texts from Jane Eyre: And Other Conversations with Your Favorite Literary Characters."

Event date: 

Wednesday, November 19, 2014 - 7:00pm

Event address: 

Books Inc.

2251 Chestnut St

San Francisco, CA

PROSPERO: do you see that ship out there Miranda MIRANDA: yes, father PROSPERO: im going to sink it MIRANDA: why? PROSPERO: because it might have my brother on it MIRANDA: how can you be certain PROSPERO: better drowned than sorry MIRANDA: i thought the expression was better SAFE than — PROSPERO: dont tell me what expressions are

Shakespeare's "The Tempest," with dirtbags

Bible Verses Where The Word “Praying” Has Been Replaced With “Truckin'”

Psalms 4:1 

Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness: you have enlarged me when I was in distress; have mercy on me, and hear my truckin’.

Proverbs 15:29 The LORD is far from the wicked: but he hears the truckin’ of the righteous.

Luke 6:12 And it came to pass in those days, that he went out into a mountain, truckin’, and continued all night truckin’.

Ephesians 6:18  With this in mind, be alert and always keep on truckin’ for all the Lord’s people.

Romans 8:26 Likewise the Spirit also helps our infirmities: for we know not what we should truck for as we ought: but the Spirit itself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.

1 Thessalonians 5:17 Rejoice always, truck without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

it's so stupid but it makes me so happy you guys

There is a well-known scene on Parks and Recreation where Ron Swanson describes his coworker Jerry thusly: “A schlemiel is the guy who spills soup at a fancy party. A schlamazel is the guy he spills it on. Jerry is both the schlemiel and the schlamazel.”

Milhouse, too, is both the schlemiel and the schlamazel. Even his best friend’s dad refers to him as “that little weiner kid.” He was born to play second banana. His dad works at a cracker factory and sleeps in a racecar bed and gets conned by women who use lines like “Can I have the keys to the car, lover? I feel like changing wigs.” He’s not quite smart enough to figure things out when someone’s pulling one over him, but he knows when he’s been wronged. In The Canine Mutiny, Milhouse comes impressively close to calling Bart out for gaslighting him:

“Remember when your dog ate my goldfish, and then you lied to me and said I never had any goldfish. But why did I have the bowl Bart? Why did I have the bowl?”

Even a chump knows if you have a bowl, you’re supposed to put goldfish in it. Even a chump will eventually figure it out, if he’s been cheated.

The Eternal Chump: Milhouse Van Houten

Sorry I Murdered Everyone, But I'm An Introvert

Sorry I murdered everyone at your party, but as an introvert, I prefer one-on-one interactions to group gatherings.

I’m really sorry that everyone is dead. I prefer animals to people.

Sorry I killed everybody! I just really need my alone time.

Sorry that everyone is dead. They weren’t respecting my quiet power and inner strength. It’s a common misconception that introverts can’t lead; we’re just not always the first to speak up.

Sorry I butchered all of your friends in front of you. It’s just that I’d rather curl up at home with a good book than go to a party.

Some famous introverts include Albert Einstein, Audrey Hepburn, Alfred Hitchcock, and all of your friends are dead.

[more via the Toast]

“The huge hoop skirt of the wedding gown brushed against the walls when she moved, her slender figure swaying above the skirt in the dramatic contrast of a tight, severe, long-sleeved bodice; the gown had been made by the best designer in the city.”

FREEDOM ON THE BOTTOM, PRISON ON THE TOP; THIS DRESS IS THE OPPOSITE OF CAPITALISM AND THEREFORE OFFERS A WORTHY CRITIQUE OF RAND’S OWN POLITICS

“The pictures of Dagny Taggart in the newspapers had shown a figure dressed in slacks, or a face with a slanting hat brim and a raised coat collar. Now she wore a gray evening gown that seemed indecent, because it looked austerely modest, so modest that it vanished from one’s awareness and left one too aware of the slender body it pretended to cover. There was a tone of blue in the gray cloth that went with the gun-metal gray of her eyes. She wore no jewelry, only a bracelet on her wrist, a chain of heavy metal links with a green blue cast.”

I DON’T KNOW WHAT “SO MODEST IT VANISHED FROM AWARENESS” MEANS BUT THIS DRESS SOUNDS LIKE WEARING A GUN

Outfits I Have Coveted In "Atlas Shrugged"

(sometimes it's hard even for me to figure out how much of my love for Ayn Rand is ironic and how much is sincere)

I SAID, I'll think about it 

look are we gonna finish this chess game or what 

Women Rejecting Marriage Proposals In Western Art History

watch a beautiful woman perform "How To Tell If You Are In A Jane Austen Novel" 

The Stick War Has Begun 

Watch Out For Ghost Hands

A Highly Literal Tarot Card Reading

feel like this pretty accurately sums up about 95% of heterosexual interactions

I have eaten the feelings  which were in the icebox

forgive me  my heart was so full  and my stomach so empty

MRS WHATSIT: Meg you have to go fight IT by yourself I can’t go with you MEG: but why MRS WHATSIT: okay I could go with you but i wont happy MEG: no not at all MRS WHATSIT: dont worry i’ll give you a gift i give you your faults MEG: how will that help me MRS WHATSIT: ok well Meg you know what what do you even know about it what do you know about anything you wear glasses and boys don’t even talk to you MEG: is that my gift MRS WHATSIT: yes i give you your stupid glasses and boys not talking to you CALVIN: i’ll talk to Meg MRS WHATSIT: shut up Calvin CALVIN: i’ll go with her MRS. WHATSIT: SHUT UP CALVIN

A Wrinkle In Time: Dirtbag Mrs Whatsit

Oh, Christ Anna, he’s going to start reading poetry at us what do we do play dead? no that’s bears

Women Having A Terrible Time At Parties In Western Art

Songs From A Neutral Milk Hotel Album That Does Not Reference The Holocaust

“Everything In This Song Is Spelled According To Modern Convention”

“A Girl Who Is Alive And Not Anne Frank Plays A Piano Without Any Semen On It”

“No One Visited The Penny Arcade That Day”

“The Characters On This Old-Timey Postcard Have Not Come To Life To Comfort You About Your Parents’ Divorce”

“The Boy With One Head On His Body”

“I Have Pictures Of My Living Family And No Pictures Of Executed Criminals In This Photo Album”

“My Mother Is A Human Woman And Not A Trash Can”