I don't know how you do it or what you do but there's something about you that makes me short of breath. I have so many emotions up in the air right now - anger, pain, lust, joy. They all give the same release.

I'm trying to adapt to whatever the hell this is. I'm not complaining because it's not the worst thing ever. At least I'm able to feel more like myself again.

I would talk to you about all of this but I'd rather save myself the risk of breaking down what we have at the moment. I'm rolling with it. I'm not trying to make you sad or mad either. You don't owe me an explanation either.

The truth is, I like it when you look at me. I like it when you touch me. I like the attention. I like that look in your eye when you're looking for comfort and I'm the only one who's there to give it to you.

We're fucking messed up. I don't expect anyone to understand it. I don't even understand it but no-one has to know. The relationship we have is ours and we've put each other through hell to get here and I like it.

We were sat on my bedroom floor. We spoke about how I was feeling because you couldn't see me that way.

You could write a song about what happened afterwards. You leaned into me and we kissed and it was raw and powerful but I couldnt carry on. Tears filled my eyes and I broke down. All I could think was how you're not mine anymore. You apologised but there was no need.

We talked things through more. Trying to get the closure we both needed. You said you liked to kiss me. Lord knows I liked it too. Every time we did, it felt as though my chest wanted to explode with the love I have for you.

You realised the severity of where this would lead us if we kept going though. A line had to be drawn. We both knew it. But you're the one who was stronger to speak about it.

We kissed more and as I lay on the floor with your body over me you said this was the last time we'd kiss. Ever. At that point my chest still wanted to explode but the love was displaced with pain. Regardless I took hold of you and did what we were so used to and tried to savour every part.

And then that was it. You pulled away. You took my hand off your neck and placed it on the floor. You stood up. You walked to my door and said you had to go.

Those few hours without you were torture.

When you came home I felt disconnected and cold. You came to make sure I was okay before bed but again, I couldn't mask my pain. I told you you go but I went back to you again.

In the middle of the night I didn't expect your comfort. I needed to be held and that's what you did. You held me like I was a baby in your arms and told me things would be okay.

Your face was close to mine again, you rubbed your nose on mine like you used to and that's when our lips brushed each other's again.

Irrisitable to each other, we succumbed. It turns out our real last kiss left me breathless. A bundle of guilt and heartache overwhelmed us both but hopefully that is where we draw the line.

For now our physical urges have been put to one side. The next thing to overcome is my mind.

I'm now beginning to realise the only person my father will accept is someone who is as much of an asshole as he is

13th April 2019

This past couple of weeks have been pretty crazy, huh? I think we have grown more in this time than we have in a while. This is a good thing; we’re making progress. Being able to confide in each other and speak about everything so openly is the best thing!

We’re both still learning from our mistakes but I’m glad we’ve come to an understanding of what we both want. I think our relationship is now stronger than ever. 

I had a few doubts about whether you were being serious or not about the way you felt but when you said I give off a glow that feels like someone is giving your heart a hug, it felt like I ran straight into a wall of emotions. I know now. That indescribable feeling you were talking about...that’s love. But it’s the smaller things too. When you told me about keeping the receipt from one of our dates from the very beginning and coming across it casually, I thought it was really sweet that you would keep something like that. I didn’t even know you had it.

A lot of people don’t understand our situation but I want to give you the benefit of a doubt. I’m giving you this final chance because I know if I don’t we’ll both end up unhappy. Every time I look into your green eyes, I can’t help but get lost. My happiness resides in them. I could stare into them for hours on end; they’re permanently etched into my mind. Along with that comes a feeling of safety and, gradually, security.