Welcome To My Twisted Mind

THE HOLIDAY | 2006 dir. Nancy Meyers

a harry potter au where everything is exactly the same except harry’s glasses have transition lenses

Would never have been allowed to happen. JKR is categorically against transition.

why are you, as a man, showing up early for work?

“Rise and grind?” What are you grinding on? Cock?

early bird gets the "worm?"

Maybe a little too eager to please your manager… hoping for something more?

ohh... you're a hustler, eh?

what do you even need all that money for? to take men on dates?

“just thought i’d come in early” come in what? another man?

a ufo just landed on my car and crushed it and all the aliens got out and laughed

I put on Twitter that a cute date idea for me (a cis woman with reproductive issues) and my boyfriend (a trans man) would be for us to get a hysterectomy together and someone replied:

me: i'm locked in someone's trunk i'm going to die pljease call 911 this is so terrifying

discord mod: put that in #vent

me: *posts a pic of the car's license plate as I am transferred into a shed so someone can find it*

discord mod: no memes in general chat

📽: @dispost

🎶: epy - feel good inc

this site has one setting

I’m laughing, but there’s a super useful corollary, which my husband calls “the Red Balloon.” He was a defense lawyer and had a fair number of drug addicts come through, and there is a thing where if you’re like, on your first offense, they’ll do a thing where you can go to treatment and if you complete it they’ll take the conviction off your record.  And he would tell his clients, “Look, everyone’s going to tell you not to do drugs. They’re going to say it over and over again. And it’s like, if people tell you not to think of a white elephant, you’re going to think of a white elephant. But the trick to not thinking about a white elephant is to think of a red balloon. So you need to find your red balloon. For some people it’s yoga. For others it’s woodworking. For some people it’s scrapbooking or gardening or any of a long list of things to do. They focus on that, it’s a lot easier to succeed in ignoring the white elephant.” So yeah, “watch yourself” is one thing… but the better idea is to watch something else. (Even if it’s fanfic about werewolves fucking.)

It’s a form of productive dissociation, and is super, super helpful. It’s easy for me to get bogged down in how much pain I’m in… but some of the most painful periods of my life have also been the most productive, writing-wise, because writing is one of my red balloons. 

There is a phrase I use A LOT in my parenting and my son gets very sick of it, but it’s true:

The thing you practise is the thing you get good at.

You may not intentionally be practicing “being grumpy” but if you don’t put effort into practicing “not being grumpy” then I’m afraid that’s what you’re doing. It’s hard! It’s really hard! Sometimes, for some things, it’s pretty much impossible and that sucks!

But being carefully aware that you are going to get good at the things you do most of is a good way to be more careful of what those things are. If that makes sense.

You gotta appreciate sometimes how tumblr works in such a way that everyone who wants to reblog this interesting or useful psychological advice is also forced to reblog the thing about werewolf fucking

10 REASONS TO ADOPT A PET

Take this quiz to find out which dog is right for you!

Please adopt some lovely doggos

As someone who just adopted a third doggo from the shelter, please do it if you can find a dog right for you. Those shelters do everything they can to keep them alive, but it’s a family that keeps them happy.

Okay, but is there a quiz for which shelter kitty I should get?

@deigns​  good u asked, yes!!! sorry I forgot to add that one, anyway here is it

What Breed of Cat should you get?

Ty jake peralta

Plus? Those animals in the pound? They KNOW that they are on death row. My first dog as a married woman was an eleventh hour adoption. A 13-y-o basset hound mix (pound said they thought he was 11 because they were trying to save him by making him sound a teeny bit younger) and he was “Til death do we part” loyal. We lost him 4 years later to cancer, and we (the family had grown from 2 to 3 humans) were devastated.

My sister? Fosters cats, and ended up with a charmer who’d been hit by a car. Sephiroth is a well loved asshole, and his brother, Cloud (a stray who found a sucker bet), is almost canine levels of friendly.

Be a superhero. Save a life. Rescue.

As a side note, if you’re really dead set on a particular breed you can always try looking up a rescue organization for that specific breed. That’s how we managed to adopt a 1yo purebred italian greyhound–he had been abused by his first owner without the breeder’s knowledge, then shuffled around to a few homes before he finally got picked up by a greyhound rescue, and then came to us. He never 100% recovered his confidence and was an anxious dog most of his life, but he was a VERY happy dog who loved to snuggle and stared up at you with these big stupid doe eyes and ran around in circles when you let him out in the yard. I think every dog I’ve ever had was either from a rescue organization or a pound, and they’re incredible animals.

Please adopt cats too💜

Posting in hopes someone adopts my cat i had to surrender recently 😭🤞

my adopted baby

he was 10 years old and in the shelter because his human had passed away

he’s 12 now and the clingiest, sweetest boy who sits like a doofus, purrs nonstop and adores belly rubs

Honestly adopting this little 10yo lady was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I emailed the shelter during lockdown with details about my home life, house, work pattern etc and they choose a cat that would work for me. They were 100% right, she’s perfect! ❤️

adopted both my bbs and i love them so much 😭

Both adopted, both amazing !!

Writing period dramas in the discord, lads

so much care put into housing this aging spider. why are my eyes wet

(tiktok link)

Found stardew valley grandpa's fucked up bed on zillow

It is the sound that kills me

never bothered watching the movie but I feel this frame on a spiritual level

How dare you hide this in the notes

So many people think they're incapable of cooking but like, you absolutely can cook. Everyone can. It's a learned skill that takes time and attempt to get better at it. "I can't even cook eggs" buddy as simple as cooking scrambled eggs might seem if you've never done it before it's got potential to get messed up. Some of us struggle with different things. "I can't even make toast" I know you're being funny but: if it's too burned for your liking, turn the setting down, if not burned enough, turn it up.

You are completely capable of cooking. Don't sell yourself short just because no one taught you or because of frustration. Cooking is an artform we can all do and you are capable of cool stuff.

why is this so canon though

Han: ugh, I’m going crazy, I’m so hungry! Luke: well I could make a grilled cheese? Han: no offense, kid, but I don’t think you know how to boil water. Luke: *offended scoff*

WHY WOULD THEY CUT THIS?????

This is legiterally the funniest thing snl has done in decades

they cut it because of the ONE gay reference

Same energy

both of these sketches were written by julio torres - here’s his twitter

Omg 😂

I just want you all to know that my dramatic 6 year old ass would have loved all of this shit.

I’m the dramatique™ hand to face moment in the broken mirror.

Here for the sensitive masculinity and broody femininity sm love

As best I can tell, the back of the doll box’s text reads: RICHARD is a handsome, wealthy widower who cannot seem to get over the loss of his first wife … until you came along! His kids are now Your Little Step Children, who you feel conflicted about to say the least. Richard’s silences are full of sorrow; he has a void in his heart that perhaps you can fill. He just has to accept that his first wife is gone … or is she?

Niecy Nash & Jessica Betts for The Advocate (2021) photography by Ser Baffo

anytime someone talks about “double texting” im just like. sorry. cant relate. every single person i actually text will receive 14 texts in a row at 11pm about whatever random thing im thinking about