my balance and composure edit, not my photo 

Believe me when I say, I will forget you, but I will never forgive you. One day I will get past this, I will love again, I will open my heart. But you will always have to live with the knowledge of what you did. You get to live with the knowledge that the one who loved you most, is now the one who hates you most.

He’s a blessing, my lover. (via scribbled-in-notebooks)

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S.L Gray (via ohteenscanrelate)

What to do when you don't know what to do

·       Get out of bed. Do that now.

·       Go into the bathroom and remove all of your clothing. I have fat that gathers into massive love handles, stretch marks on every bit of skin that isn’t flat. But when my clothes are all off, with no fabric to bother me, no illusion of what my body looks like and all I can see is myself, I feel better. I feel more wholesome. Maybe you will, too.

·       Run your hands over it, turn around. Have no illusion of what your body looks like. It’s not as bad as you think. Get a good picture in your mind of anything you want to attend to. Make a list if you need to, only about your body.

·       Brush your hair through, if you have it.

·       Put your hair up and out of the way, if it’s long.

·       Floss and brush your teeth very well. Take your time on this. Do it twice if you need to. Your breath won’t feel as thick, you won’t feel as heavy.

·       Put on lots of chapstick or balm right afterwards

·       Wash any parts of your body that you need to.

·       Blow your nose until there’s nothing left, get it all out. You’re probably clogged up.

·       Clip your nails, take off any old polish. Push your cuticles back.

·       Wash your hair, if you want to.

·       If you (like to)shave, shave everything. You’ll feel weightless. Only fill up the bath a little bit and do it over the edge. You’ll just feel dirty if you sit in hair.

·       Drink a full glass of water. Don’t sip, don’t chug. Just don’t set it down until it’s gone.

·       Dress yourself in whatever way you feel ready for the day. Yoga pants, sweatpants, t-shirts, dresses, shorts. Whatever way that makes things easier.

·       Eat. Eat something. Don’t pull random bits of food from random boxes. Prepare it at once and sit down. Take this time to rest.

·       Get a drink of your choice, as long as it isn’t alcohol. As a matter of fact, if there’s alcohol on the counter, put it away. Don’t look at it. It will only give you a headache. Make yourself chocolate milk, water, a smoothie, a soda, whatever sounds nice.

·       Sit on the floor and forget about everything you need to think about. Set a timer for exactly one minute. Close your eyes, and during that one minute, pay attention to how your body feels. Ask yourself these questions. Am I sore anywhere? Stretch this bit out, put more pressure on it. Focus on your muscles. Keep your back completely straight. Did I eat enough? Think about your stomach. Focus on your breathing. Listen to the air. Can you hear the sound of your lights? A ceiling fan? Your joints? Don’t open your eyes until the time is up. This minute will pass very quickly.

·       Get a good old fashioned piece of notebook paper and a pencil. If you don’t have that use your phone or computer. Make a list of every little thing you need to do. Everything matters. Every errand, homework assignment, thing that needs cleaned, health issue… all of it.

·       Do it now. Check things off as you go. As you see things disappear, your head will be more clear.

·       Don’t forget to take your pills.

·       If you’ve been putting off your homework, fix yourself a snack and a tall drink of something warm. Get all of the supplies you need. Sit down and plow through it. If you need help with homework, message a friend, a family member, even message me. I’ll try and help you. It won’t take as long as you think, your mind is just cluttered. Repeat to yourself “this is what I am working on now. This is what is important now. I will feel lighter when I am finished.” Even if the assignment is due in a few weeks, more than likely it is too much to do in one night. Split it up into quarters. Work for one hour, and if you’re close, finish it off. Give yourself this one hour.

·       You don’t have to make your bed, but take off the blankets and shake them out. If there’s crumbs on the mattress, vacuum, or wipe them off. If you have dirty clothes, put them in the hamper.

·       Now that your day is free, deal with your social problems. Is there someone you’ve been meaning to apologize to? Something you’ve upset? Something you’re unsure of? You have all of the rest of the day to deal with it. Take your time.

·       Before bed, pay special attention to your face. Wash it, clean your ears, put on acne medicine, moisturize it. Anything on your face that needs to be attended to. See how beautiful you are? Your skin will drink it up, it will look better tomorrow. Do this constantly.

·       Listen to songs you haven’t in a while. You forgot that one verse, the reason why you kept it.

·       Make a list of questions. How does a remote work? Why do we have toenails? What is this word? Look them up. They’re right there to know.

·       Ask for help

·       It’s fine to cry. I feel warm in the face afterwards. I feel smaller afterwards, less huge. Less of a problem. You need to understand that we want to matter, but when we mess up we don’t want it to matter. It goes both ways. You are the most important person. Your mistakes only have weight to you. Nobody minds as much as you think they do.

·       Do these things. Do them now.

`

Cannot reblog this enough

Catherynne M. Valente, Deathless (via wordsnquotes)

ya Allah.. my heart

(via bubbly)

my balance and composure edit, not my photo 

Dear every person who says that a mental illness is not
 a valid enough reason for not being able to attend school normally:

Say that to the psychotherapist, the school nurse, the paramedics,and my bestfriend who had to scream for help inside empty school corridors on the day of my overdose. Say that to the kids who saw me sleep through first and second period, say that to my ICT teacher who had to talk me out of suicide on a school night, say that to my Drama teacher who saw me break down during a suicide prevention assembly, say that to my English teacher who cries while reading my suicidal creative writing stories, say that to any friend who has had to calm me down after an anxiety attack, say that to every friend and follower that has
come to me with thoughts of suicide, say that to the kids who have failing grades because they can’t focus, the ones who can’t make it through a school night without choking on their own tears, the kids who sleep right when they get home and straight on until morning, the ones who have more breakdowns a day than meals a day, the ones who have spent more time staring at hospital walls than school hallways.Tell that to the teenagers in psychiatric wards and treatment centres. Tell that to the family of someone who has just committed suicide. Tell them that school is more important than their sanity, I dare you.

one year ago today (via bubbly)

Walking without reason

There walks a man down a path of blight. His mind is rot and he’s lost his sight. He doesn’t know what lies ahead Or even what’s already been said. But ahead he walks ever trying He’ll never stop his mind from dying For the beasts that lurk are far too strong And as hard as he works he’s still always wrong. Demons don’t listen to reason and monsters feel no sympathy And for this reason the man will walk reasonlessly.

We were made to live

We are not made for this We are not given breath in our lungs To breathe in this hypocrisy We do not belong in this place Where we are made slaves to a system Telling us not to live We are not made for this To work thirty years and retire To wait until we die We are not given the blood in our veins To let it flow until it boils We are not made for this We are not given life To waste it supporting a system That does nothing but kill us By forcing us to waste our breath A gift from Mother Earth We are not made for this This wasted time, working We are not given this breath To spend it so stupidly We are made for more than working Day in, day out, until we die

We were made to live © Michael Greywood Poetry-2016

All I’ve done for the majority of the time since I’ve been home from work is lie in bed and curse my digestive system for trying to kill me for accidentally eating some gluten.

Stage two of death is in progress. Sigh.

Gonna fill myself with meds as I have D&D tonight.

(via living-my-own-love-story)