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Madslolz

@madslolz

I am probably the weirdest person you'll see on the interweb,
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Ivy set the parental control password to be Clownz… Her wife’s #1 fear… Tell me the bitch isn’t in the cult

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Heathers, the movie, 1989

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You meet him again after a couple of months of not thinking about him, or trying not to, and his smile is like a neon sign cutting through the darkness, and his eyes hold so many secrets you once longed to unravel. But you remember how you got tangled up in his threads, and how you struggled to break free for years. Seeing him stirs up memories, flashes of candlelight and throwing popcorn at each other, splinters of sharing a tub of ice cream and kissing in the rain. But it’s not real. Not the way he watches you from across the room and not the way he strides up to you and asks you how you’ve been. You blush and you smile and you wonder why you ever cut the ties in the first place, but you stop listening to him for a second and think ahead, imagine how everything would play out if you let him in again. A week after this night, he still wouldn’t have called you. You’d twist and thrash but there’d be no way for you to shake off his grip. So you smile a little bigger and tell him you’re doing fine, you swallow hard to get rid of that parched feeling in your mouth and the ash that’s lodged in your throat and let him go.

You let him go because sometimes it’s better to shut a door again, even though someone came back to push it open. n.j. (via ninasdrafts)

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I miss you so much and I hate it. I’ve loved you for the past 10 years and no matter what I do, it just doesn’t go away. Even when I didn’t talk to you for months, even when I had other boyfriends.. it was still always YOU. The memories of you were always there in the back of my mind, reminding me of what I could never have. No one else could ever look at me the way you do, no one else could ever mean as much to me as you do. When I looked into your eyes, time stood still, and that was a thing I never experienced with anyone else except you. To me, it was magic. You were my first love and you will always be the only one. And in a way I am happy that it’s you I love, because I couldn’t imagine anyone better, but at the same time I sometimes wish I didn’t have to love you so much. The thought that maybe you are the one scares me, because I can never have you. I can never have you and still, I’ll always love you. And I know that it’s love, because I just want you to be happy, even if it’s without me. You don’t even understand what all this means to me and I can’t talk to you about it. Trying to tell you what I felt was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made and I just wish I could take it all back and make things right. I don’t ask anything of you.. I just wish I could see your smile one more time. Loving someone in silence hurts the most.
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