How To Love A Girl With A Mental Illness:

1. The meaning of “unconditional love” will be made clear to you the first time she turns away and shuts you out, shaking and volatile and shattered and impossibly out of reach for someone so close. She is a windstorm in the Sahara— a tornado that only spins in one place, do not take it personally when the force of her wind flings you away. Instead, begin the long, lonely walk home. Do not falter in your love or trip on your own ego— the walk is longer and more lonely for her, trust me.

2. In the middle of the night, when you find her on the kitchen floor staring at the clock with the kettle long-over-boiled, do not ask questions. Just join her in silence: try to convey without word or touch that you’re not going anywhere. Mean it. Sit until the clock ticks past 3, 4, 5, 6 a.m. Brew the cup of tea, bring her her jacket and scarf. Take her hand and walk until the sun rises. Watch it in silence. Hope she understands that this will happen every morning; she does not need to watch the clock to keep the world going. Remind her that, even when she feels its weight on her chest in the dark of the night, the planet can take care of itself. Understand that you will need to repeat this often.

3. There will be good days. Days where she sings in the shower, sings in the car, sings in conversation because the hummingbird in her chest has taken flight, however temporarily, and her ribcage is finally free of its panicked, beating wings. Be exactly as present on these days as the bad ones. Offer to take her out— when she says yes, pick somewhere quiet and calm. Understand that a good day does not mean a cure. Understand, too, that a good day will feel like a cure to her. Hold her hand regardless.

4. Learn to become comfortable with the silence, however awkward it may seem to you. This is not about you. Understand that, sometimes, everything that needs to be said can be found in silence. Understand that, sometimes, nothing needs to be said.

5. Some mornings, she will wake up already drowning in the ocean of herself. Some mornings you will wake up to her nails digging into your skin, clinging to you for dear life while she fights off the waves that nobody else can see. Some mornings will look like dark skies, and her mood swings will feel like right hooks to your jawline, and everything is grey and bruised and purple-black and your lips will clamp shut under the weight of everything you don’t know how to tell her. Take a breath. It’s okay. You don’t have to have all the answers.

6. When you come home from work or grocery shopping to find all your shades drawn and all the lights off, don’t panic. When she finds herself imprisoned in your bed at 3, 4, 5, 6pm, she doesn’t need you to tell her it’s a bad idea. She already knows— she’s been there since she woke up, she’s had plenty of time to think about it. Instead, leave the shades down. Leave the lights off. Sometimes the only way to deal with the sadness is to sit with it. Kiss her forehead, remind her that you love her. Leave the door open a bit. Brew a pot of coffee. Watch all ten seasons of How I Met Your Mother and keep a tally of Ted’s awful jokes. Do a jigsaw puzzle with your eyes closed. Write all of your worries into a journal. Wait it out. Depression doesn’t give a damn about you or your schedule but, eventually, it will pass. Everything will pass. When she comes out of your room and offers you a sheepish smile or a terrible joke, take it for the apology that it is. Take her hand and offer her a cup of coffee. Do a jigsaw puzzle with your eyes closed. Watch all ten seasons of How I Met Your Mother and kiss her every time Ted makes a terrible joke. Remember that a bad day doesn’t always mean a bad life or a relapse.

7. Understand that victory doesn’t always come with trumpets and banners and fanfare. Sometimes, victory is quiet and subtle. Sometimes you won’t even realize it’s a victory. Some days, victory will look like remembering to take a shower, wash the sheets or pick up bread and milk from the 7/11 two blocks south. Some days, victories will look minor to you. Remember that they are victories nonetheless. React accordingly.

8. Even the worst days only have 24 hours. This too shall pass.

wxsteland

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