When our home nearly flooded, my city boy husband and stepson shuffled their feet, unsure what to. Woefully unprepared, I grabbed garbage bags, duck tape, a joint, and lighter and went work. Between plastic bags, I would take a couple of hits. By the time I sealed off and saved our home, the joint was done. I came inside, shed my rain soaked clothes, changing into warm pajamas, had bourbon and settled into bed. My parents worked hard to raise me better and I worked hard to find my own path.
Mid 2021 to Now
Miserable job
Declining mental health
Lose contact with almost entire social circle by neglecting friendships
Lose job
Find out someone close to my family knowingly exposed us to Covid and doesn’t feel bad
Black mold
Landlord sells apartment building (que constant stream of realtors, potential buyers, contractors etc through home)
Family member goes missing
Black mold returns
Wedding chaos
Unemployment continues
Existential crisis with war and roe vs wade
Gets Covid
Gets job (its going well), a more advanced role in a new industry, its incredibly fun but taxing
Really horrible thing happens (its not mine to share)
Boss goes on vacation and leaves me in charge, very overwhelming
Very close family member gets hit by a car. They’re fine, just some road rash and bruises. Head was checked for concussion or other trauma and was given a clean bill of health. This maybe where I truly broke. Upon receiving this news, I laughed hysterically for 20 minutes. This was a terrible cherry on top.
Holiday season starts: decide to protect my peace but cutting back how I observe. Too many inescapable obligations still make it time consuming and financially draining, thereby creating an emotional drain I tried to avoid
Get new apartment, still feeling uncertain about this decision. Going on trip just days after move in. Not prepared for trip and losing sight of the excitement of trip in the anxiety.
There’s more but it’s so much I honestly forget events and need to be reminded of them, like getting my identity stolen.
There have been some not so great evolutionary changes. Like, small habits that change slowly over time so slowly they’re not noticeable.
But there have been some deep foundational shifts for something better. Pieces of me are snapping into place to create the me I need and dream to be. Things will change because I’m unstoppable.
They say when a caterpillar goes into a cocoon, it doesn’t evolve into a butterfly. It consumes its own body and becomes a pile of goo contained in a cocoon. I’m a pile of goo.
I’m going to document here more often
I definitely do not need serotonin…
I say as I go between eating mega stuffed Oreos, doom scrolling on TikTok, watching comfort shows on streaming, reading smut on Wattpad, and consuming edibles while drinking rose.
Some gentle suggestions from a rabid fan of rcooper’s beings in love series
*I really need Albert to get a happy ending.
*I need him and Graham to make mistakes and hurt each other a little, then shout and cry and finally heal and bond.
*I need Tim to burst into Everlasting Cuppa and startle the coffeehouse cabal with his loud and brash manner.
*I need Nathaniel to quietly follow after him and leave them in awe of his authority and calm.
*I need Ian to quietly slip outside to avoid uncomfortable questions with Martin silently nodding in understanding as he leaves.
*I need Tim and Nathaniel still sniff after him and find themselves taken aback by how protective the coffeehouse cabal is of their own.
*I need Zarrin and Joe meet Arthur, Bertie and Eleanor and unexpectedly, Joe goes all in on the idea of being a father while Zarrin balks as he re-examines in his trauma until Joe reassures him. Yet instead of a firebird they get a little creature tied to the land and people like them.
*I’m slightly terrified by any children produced by Zazzie and Bernard.
*I want to read about a puppy dumped in the meadows, only to be taken in by a Were family. He spends his days in contented confusion, never sure if his family is Wolf or human but loved all the same.
*I want to read about Zeki saving Ray and Ray and Cal being closer than ever.
*I want to know that Clematis is a teacher. Maybe not elementary like he planned originally but middle school instead. He loves giving guidance to kids at such a critical age.
*Zeki and Theo should buy a building together. Theo’s bakery in front and Zeki’s magic in the back. Both become destinations for those who need sugar or magic or both.
*I want to know how Guerrero’s has survived through the decades and other panthers that may have found their way there.
*I want someone to come upon a memory of Tank and Simon in Los Cerros and wonder about their lives
I recently visited NYC for the first time. At the same time, I found it both strange and loved it how much quieter it is than SF
Jonathan Carroll (via browndresswithwhitedots)
Angie Wang - The Pony Express Delivers Its Apologies
Your anxiety is lying to you. You are going to be okay.
fuck i needed this so badly right now thank you
(by elaina wahl)
If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror-movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore.
that is fucking terrifying no
The Tom Hardy of horses.
Wyatt McCain looks upon his father’s grave at the National Cemetery on Memorial Day in Arlington Cemetery. His dad, Army SFC Johnathan McCain, was killed by a roadside bomb in Afghanistan in November 2011. He is 8.
No idea what they are looking at
How many belly buttons do centaurs have? Or Where is a centaur's belly button?
