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Head empty, just sunlight pouring through stained glass windows
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always remember that love will always come back to u. in a different form, different person, different hobby, different touch. but in any way, love will always come back.
Love is always here
“If you want to cure the world, don’t emanate fear—emanate love.”
— Ram Dass
7.31.20 22:56
Spending too damn long waiting to pour love into someone else that I forgot to pour it into myself.
Sometimes I wonder the great things we could conquer if we were just loving to ourselves. Well love children blossom into the best adults, so could my well loved self blossom into the woman I want to become?
To me, self love is more than a mere act of confidence or taking myself out on dates. Self love is being gentle to all the fractured parts of my identity. To hold, kiss, and adore all those parts.
Today, I learned an important lesson from my therapist.
At the end of our hour, she told me that although I’ve been hurt and broken badly, she can see I still have parts that aren’t shattered.
I laughed lightly and I said “Yeah, one day that will be all of me, no parts shattered anymore”,
And she said “No, it won’t.”
And, for a second, I felt my heart break - but she continued.
“But it will be the most dominant part of you. Think of your body - if you break your shoulder, even after it heals it will be tender. It will be a sore spot. You will be careful with it. There will be a gentleness when you care for it. If you crack a rib, laughing will hurt and, even after there is no longer a fracture, you may laugh lighter just in case. You can heal, but it is okay to be aware of the parts of you that once hurt the most. The most important thing to know is that where there is tenderness, let there be gentleness.”
Once I write this out, I’m sure the feeling will dissipate. The woman I genuinely loved got engaged recently to someone else. At first I was in shock, then angry, then frustrated, then I felt inadequate. I sat in my “so called” inadequacy and asked myself why not me? Why didn’t we have the happily ever after? I kind of think of Dodie’s song “You”. It’s funny bc I can go wks without thinking or missing her. It’s been so long. My life is so good and different now. As a matter of fact, it’s great. So good. Learning and living; I have so much in store for me. But that news just really got to me, like a stab in the heart.
I’m always reminded of the idea that whenever we break a bone and a few years later it’s weaker than other bones around it or it hurts whenever it’s hit wrong, we, as humans, are gentle, understanding with that bone that had been broken. The bone experienced trauma, sometimes (usually when least expected) it still hurts like hell.
Call me cheesy but I need to be reminded of that with my heart. No matter how “moved on” or different I am or my life is - sometimes things that used to hurt us come back and hurt us - even when we don’t ask for it.
God I love that woman. I love her for her resilience, her strength.. and that love hurt me. Unfortunately sometimes it still hurts me. It isn’t a flaw within me when things like this hurts it shows I’m a human capable of feeling and expressing strong emotion.
I’m so happy for her. For what I see externally, for all the good she has going for her. I pray he’s well.
And babe, there’s nothing wrong with u. It hurt bc u cared. U loved, but imagine if I didn’t. U wouldn’t have known or done things that u do now. It’s okay. Be gentle with yourself. That was traumatic.
Don’t be afraid to love again, but most importantly, be gentle with yourself. Love yourself. Soothe yourself. This too will pass.
You’ll look at this 5 yrs from now, reminiscing of the good times. But it will be different. And that’s part of life.. it continues. How fortunate am I to have a life that continues.
To my ex, make wise decisions. Love her unconditionally. Love yourself unconditionally. You’ll always be in my prayers.
