[I'm rambling & processing at the moment and need some support] (pls tell me if you think I need to reevaluate, or if I can fix anything I've said wrong... because I can't claim to fully know what I'm talking about) #doubtsandfearsaregettingthebestofme my attention to political/government fuckery is all over the place. i want to KNOW what is going on, but there's a LOT going on--diversion or distractions, trying to find out where to place my trust in sources, trying to prepare myself for increased anxiety upon discovering more fucked up news... the hardest thing for me right now is dealing with the fear of psychological or physical attacks. this is the only site i feel comfortable discussing this type of thing in & i feel like it's more likely ppl will help me learn... I'm eager to jump on in, but I also know I need to prepare myself & build myself up to be strong enough to "resist," or fight, or protest, or rally, or march, or whateverTF. we've all been hearing about either these types of events becoming riots, OR, people are suddenly attacked (in worse moments, KILLED). i know that i want to eventually be in a stable enough condition to be a more comitted activist, but tbh i'm affraid of losing all i have--as far as i know, anything can happen (assuming the worst) & i could lose my job [wait, CAN ppl be terminated for any certain reason related to this kind of thing???]/living space/my somewhat-of a good record... or I could die. being a trans person, one of my biggest fears is going to jail... or... getting killed... or... seeing/knowing someone I know or love being killed... does any of this sound familiar? right now, I'm thinking that I need to be prepared to lose all I have... part of this, i'm thinking some has to do with white privlage. ^i feel like i was whining over almost nothing up there in that last paragraph... i'm sorry & i hope i'm forgiven^ And i know eventually I'm gonna die, but there's a possibility I might die fighting. imagine we all reevaluated our sense of pride...; is this going to be war...? just recently I just had surgery (not the one i would hope for) and I've been on medical leave for a month, and need to build my strength up even just for my job at this point. i have to have another surgery in a couple months that's supposed to be more intrusive, which would also take more time to recover from... i'm just... scared of it being TOO LATE, you know? But... we've all heard the expression, "it's bever too late," right? fuck. so far, here's some goals I have for being prepared for "resisting..." not necessarily each in consecutive order... 1.) Learn some self defense/martial arts. 2.) Be prepared to debate with reliable sorces & proof...??? just a thought, in case of either confrontation or interview. 3.) Have a plan in case of physical attack; first aid? hospotal? is incident recorded? if i'm wrongfully arrested/detained etc... will friends & family help me get justice? 4.) Buddy system/dont get separated/have plan to reunite if separated. 5.) ... ...what's depressing about this is I've just gotten to a point where i'm about to be ok with handling all my personal problems. all all the shit associated with my own trans experience, my survival from domestic violence; my ptsd, my anxiety, depression; my history with a shitty work environment... and recently i've developed a bit of spirituality... I just got to a point to where I've only JUST LEARNED how to stand up for myself, and it was NOT easy. I kindof feel like i'm having a hard time lookiNg for the right way to get enough EXP to LEVEL UP enough to fight a BIGASS MONSTER so i don't get "GAME OVER". BUT, this is not a game. It's life, and it's fucking scary, but... oh, you know, peace sounds nice. unfortunately, people have different ideas of even acheiving peace... pls comment.
