Am I the only one who thinks that hitting a kid and abuse are different things? Like, if I ever had a kid, I wouldn’t spank their ass raw or something like that. But a bop on the mouth or the ear pull or a smack upside the head? Yea. Those are behavior modifiers.
Except they’re not.
The studies done by the trained psychologists in this joke show that little kids don’t associate being hit with the thing they’ve done wrong. Very small children only understand consequences that are directly caused by the thing they did. Steal a biscuit, biscuit tastes good. Then for no reason mummy hit me. Very different to stole a biscuit, now no biscuit after dinner because I stole a biscuit.
And they also show that when a child is old enough to understand why they are being hit that non-physical punishment is equally as effective and less mentally harmful in the long run.
Do you know who benefits the most from hitting as a punishment? The parent. It gives a satisfaction rush. Parents do it because it makes them feel good.
Basically kids have two stages: too young to understand why they are being hit so physical punishment is useless for anything other than teaching a child that bigger stronger people can hit you whenever they like (Which sounds like the same lesson you would learn from abuse)
And the second stage is old enough to be reasoned with so many punishment options are available and you chose physical violence because it makes *you* feel better, which is an abusive action.
The only time a person should ever use violence against another human being, of any age, is to stop that person from being violent themselves.
Hitting a stranger is a crime. Hitting someone small who relies on you for food, love, and shelter should be as well. Don’t hit your fucking kid.
These are the very basics of the difference between punitive justice (punishment used to uphold justice) vs. restorative justice (using intervention, mediation, and personal growth to restore justice) and transformative justice (preventing the circumstances under which injustice occurs in the first place).
Punitive justice holds that people must be kept in line via pain and fear; we’re used to seeing physical punishment like this thread talks about, but this also manifests in other ways: emotional punishments like shame, financial punishments like fines, social punishments like isolation and ostracization… carceral justice is a part of this (the criminal justice system, callouts and harassment campaigns, emotional abuse and berrating, etc.). It’s all the same core concept: people are fundamentally bad, and they will not choose to do the right thing. They must be forced.
Your kid stole a biscuit: hit them so they fear pain next time they think about it.
Restorative justice had roots in indigenous practices, and it’s based on the idea that people fundamentally want to do the right thing. They are trying, and they will try. If they’ve done wrong, they should be given the opportunity to understand that, take responsibility, correct that behavior, and do better next time.
Your kid stole a biscuit: explain to them why that’s wrong (in an age appropriate way, ex: “there aren’t enough biscuits for everyone now”) so they understand why they shouldn’t do it again.
Transformative justice adds to this core idea and says that not only can people fix things after they’ve done wrong, but that the circumstances leading to that situation need to be fixed as well. It has roots in addressing social issues (ex: illegal drug use is often caused by untreated mental illness), but it works on an interpersonal level as well.
Your kid stole a biscuit: ask them why. Were they hungry? Explain what they should do instead next time (ask you for food, or grab a different snack) and why (one less biscuit after dinner). Make sure they’re getting enough food, and work together to prevent it from happening again.
The only time I can even think that it would be acceptable to strike a child is if they’re doing something dangerous and you need to stop them doing it before they hurt themselves even worse.
And even then, you have to apologise and explain what happened, to make sure they understand why you acted that way and what the danger was, and then take steps to reduce that danger as much as possible.
more effective methods:
- tell them to stop
- make a loud, startling sound to get their attention (ideally just shout their name, but “HEY” works), then tell them to stop
- if they are attempting to harm someone else, help to remove that person from the situation ASAP and get somewhere safe until they calm down
- if they are about to do something dangerous and you are in physical range of stopping it, but you cannot speak in time, physically block their path (ex: put your arm in front of a hand reaching out to touch something hot)
never grab a kid, never try to physically restrain a kid, and never hit a kid. there’s no situation in which there is not a better, safer alternative for everyone involved. prommy.
if you do hurt a kid for whatever reason, yes, immediately apologize. you can explain why, but make sure they understand that it’s not okay to do that, you shouldn’t have done it, nobody else should do it to them, and that if anyone ever does that to them, they should tell a trusted adult immediately. it’s a violation of physical autonomy at minimum, and it is INCREDIBLY important to make sure kids understand the respect they’re entitled to (as well as owe to others). bonus points for explaining those alternatives to them!
(and I’m just saying this to provide some info because I know this isn’t common knowledge! I know your intent was good, this is just kinda my realm of knowledge. lol)
