I'm at that awkward moment where I can tell I'm not who I feel like I'm supposed to be. I'm not "myself". But I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what to do to pull myself out and I'm just drowning. I'm trying to plan something to do with friends but it seems like I'd rather just do it by myself instead of have to pretend to happy or whatever for everyone else. People keep telling me fake it until you make it. But faking it isn't doing anything. It just makes me feel worse. I fake it all day and then come home and fall apart. But then I'm too afraid to not fake it. I'm going places but stuck in this moment. I got a job and have the next two years of school basically planned out but I feel like I'm failing. I try to do the one thing that makes me feel better and it makes me feel worse. I've been to one soccer practice and because of my asthma and allergies I'm still dying because of those two hours of practice. I have all summer to get a big list of things done, yet every day gets taken up by other things that are more pressing. I was doing perfect at my job but now I got in trouble for not doing something I can't do yet because I'm not in the system. I felt like I was ahead and now I feel like I'm going to be behind forever. I feel like I'm wasting away my summer, only a week through. But worst of all I feel alone. I've got all these people around me but I feel like they're not really there. I'm just realizing the girl I thought was my 'best friend' is more a fair weather friend. she's had other best friends and I'm just the convenient friend who lives across the street and actually tries to hang out with her. and then there's my looks. I'm stuck between I want to stay my tomboy look to I want to be better with makeup and all that and look freaking great. I don't know which fits me better. I don't know which i would be happier with. I don't know if I want to keep growing my hair out or cut it short again. I don't know if i want to put in the effort to learn how to do makeup or hair or match outfits. I don't know if I want to put my all into graduating early or something or leaving room for the joys of theater and choir. I don't know if I want to keep friends around that don't seem to care or find better ones. I don't know if I actually do want to overachieve. I don't know.

Its crazy how much can change in one day. You can lose a friend, all of a sudden become responsible, get a job, gain a friend. The possibilities are endless. Even the beginning of the day doesn’t determine how the rest of it will go. I often have days that really suck. Like Wednesday I was crying for like half the day because I’m stressed and had a mental breakdown the day before. But at lunch time I found out I had made alternates for one of the major choirs at my school. Just that turned my whole day around and I wasn’t as close to crying at every minute. So maybe every day doesn’t start or end great, but every day is what you make it. If you’re determined to have a bad day, that’s what you’re gonna get. So why not choose to find the good in each day, and be determined to have a great day?