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Machine wash, tumblr dry

@lotthirtyseven

necromint polka
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every time I see the words “Tolkien ripoff” in reference to fantasy I laugh, because while there’s a lot of Tolkien ripoff in worldbuilding it almost never crops up in plot or theme or characterization

like

where are my stories about the decay of the world from the glory of days gone by?

where’s the motif of limb loss?

where’s the longing for the return of something worth following?

where are the bloodthirsty oaths that tear sanity to shreds?

where are the evil spirits who try and destroy the gods with steampunk V-1 buzz bombs (looking at you, The Lost Road)?

where’s my continent-wide dialectical shift ending in massive arguments over the proper pronunciation of a name? where’s my family drama centered around sparkly rocks? where are my dragons the size of mountain ranges?

Tolkienesque Fantasy™: there’s a quest, the elves are bitchy, the dwarves drink a lot, farm boy hero.

Tolkien’s Actual Writing: absolute power corrupts absolutely, a little bit of power corrupts a little, to what extent are people responsible for their actions? does God/the gods really answer our prayers? and pacifistic undertones.

Also actual Tolkien: The world is full of hope even in dark times. Kindness and friendship are what heroes are made of. Absolutely do not fuck with nature or you will regret it.

Also actual Tolkien: actual heroes are little people who band together because it is right, and because they must.

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qvincvnx

can you imagine being 26 years old and in marketing and you want to settle down with a rich stupid man who’s crazy about you and you FIND a divorcee who hasn’t talked to his ex in over a decade and has a very forgiving custody arrangement that would easily enable boarding school and is willing to MARRY you after a SIX TO EIGHT WEEK SUMMER ROMANCE with NO PRENUP and then his brat kid comes back from summer camp and it turns out his ESTRANGED OTHER TWIN DAUGHTER came back from camp and they hijack your entire life and put a lizard on you and then your hot old man ditches you for his hot mess of an ex WHO DESIGNED… THE CUSTOM WEDDING DRESS YOU HAD ALREADY PAID FOR. truly. a roller coaster summer…. all that scheming WASTED

Either this is the plot to a movie I haven’t seen or Tumblr user spikenards has some very specific fears

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where’s that video of the naked crackhead literally running the speed of a moving car and I use the term literally literally he was deadass keeping up with the car

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Hi! Humans don’t have an eye shine, so that’s not a person!

😨

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did april even………………………happen

April felt like it lasted forever……but now that it’s not April I have completely no memory of any April ever and I can’t seem to recall the last 30 days of my life.

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gluetun

CLEAR SKIN IS SO ATTRACTIVE I’D CHOP A TOE OFF FOR CLEAR SKIN FOREVER

I swear to fucking god writing a post on this website is like talking to a fucking genie! Better be specific as shit or some smart as is gonna ruin your life

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also I met a millionaire (possibly billionaire ? her family owns the mall of America and she made a $100 million donation to my brothers possible future school) today bc she donated That Much money to my brothers possible future school and she was at an event they held that I went to today. anyways she introduced herself w her first and last name and her title and I didn’t know who she was and i was like ok I guess that’s Just How We’re Introducing Ourselves Today and i went “um. okay. im alexander __________ and im _____’s brother” and I didn’t realize she was doing that because I was Supposed To Realize who she was until an hour later and looking back introducing myself the exact same way is the biggest unintentional power move

I checked and her net worth is over a billion dollars… I really (unintentionally) did That

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rhubabby

-_- and :/ are irreplaceable emoticons that emojis will never be able to touch

literally 😑 & 😕

if you think 😕 has the same power as :/ you are a blind fool

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rhube

BABIES!!!

so the best thing about this is that bobcats, like just about every feline besides lions and domestic cats, are pretty solitary. they don’t really have friends. they aren’t really equipped to make friends. 

domestic cats, on the other hand, do know how to make friends. they are friendly to the point that lots of feral cats live in colonies— the females hang out together, even raise kids together, and the males like to spend nonsexual time with their baby mommas. they groom each other, play around, and have a particular tail position to signal to one another— straight up with the tip curled— that they’re friendly and happy to see each other. cats learned how to be chill with each other in order to take full advantage of human food sources: an ancient granary supplies enough rats for a lot of cats, as does a modern lady with a big bag of frisky bits, so it would be a waste of time and energy for any one cat to try and stake the entire foodsource out for exclusive use. less fighting means more eating and resting which means a longer, nicer life and a lot more kittens. 

so this stray cat, she obviously has no colony if she’s wandering around and sneaking into zoo enclosures, so she’s like ‘hey! there’s food here! what up, other cat, let’s be friends, let’s be friends and share that food’. and the bobcat is like ‘??????’ because actually wild cats are pretty cautious about initiating hostilities and anything new and aggressive makes them very worried. and the domestic cat is like ‘haha cool, ok, we’re friends now, big guy. no problems.’ and the bobcat is like ‘????? well…?? ok?’ and then they are friends. 

the super interesting thing about most wild cat species is they don’t really have the capacity to make friends on their own, especially outside of sibling bonds, but, if someone comes along and does all the friend-making themselves, they’ll totally roll with it. zoo cats can get really attached to their caregivers— or, in this case, a very confident little calico demonstrating exactly why her species has been so darn successful over the last nine thousand years . 

so anyway that is the best thing: bobcats are not equipped to make friends, but luckily for this bobcat this homeless lady did not give any shits and made friends anyway. and now they are both happy. 

Source: dumpaday.com
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We were driving to a restaurant and wanted to see how long the wait was. My dad handed me the phone book and asked me to look up the number. I, for whatever reason, thought he said “get rid of this”. So I opened the window and chucked the phone book while we were going 70 MPH down the highway.

great

I stuck my hand in a bowl of soup simply because I hadn’t before.

same

When I was maybe 10-12, I threw one of my dad’s golf clubs that had no head on it like a spear down the hallway after telling my brother it would be cool.

absolutely

One time I was eating a lemon poppyseed muffin. The phone rang, so I reacted by shoving the entire muffin my mouth and eating it as fast as I could, nearly choking to death, and I didn’t even make it to the phone before it stopped ringing.

huge mood

Gave my sister a piggyback when she was giving my other sister a piggyback at the same time

thank you for your service

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i keep seeing a lotta nudity on my dash that isnt tagged so i wanna put out a reminder that n/sfw literally means not safe for work. as in. something that you wouldnt want to be caught looking at by your boss. or maybe your grandma 

nudity might not be inherently sexual, but i sure wouldn’t want to be explaining it to my boss. please tag ur shit

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You can train for years to fight a clown, studying their strengths and weaknesses, devising your plan of attack, but nothing can quite prepare you for the real thing