me pondering my kugelblitz
Theory: Shiro is Future Keith
New Voltron theory, as of season 3. Hear me out. Shiro is Keith from the future. Here’s my evidence. First the physical: Obviously Keith and Shiro don’t look physically identical. But Keith is young. He’s a little bit baby-faced (apparently he’s 18, but I think he could pass for 16), and as he matures, it’s not that unrealistic to think that his jaw will square out, his eyes will narrow, and his face will generally look older. Shiro is only 25, but he looks like he could pass for 30. He and Shiro have similar enough coloring. Keith’s mullet is a distraction from their similarities! If Keith had shorter hair, it would be more obvious.
Now for the behavioral evidence. Shiro is clearly more mature than Keith. He’s level-headed and he’s a natural at everything. This is partially due to the age difference, and partially due to the fact that Shiro already knows what’s going to happen before it has happened. How is Shiro able to bond with his lion so much faster than the other paladins? He’s done it before. How is Shiro able to remain calm in battle and cheer on the other paladins? He already knows how the battle will end. He didn’t even react when Keith was revealed to be part Galra. Didn’t even bat an eye. He knew Pidge was actually Katie Holt before anyone else (not just that Pidge is a girl, but Katie Holt specifically. He probably knew Matt Holt had a little sister, but he could have assumed Pidge’s physical appearance was a coincidence, or that Matt had an even younger brother he never mentioned. But he didn’t. He jumped straight to the conclusion of Katie Holt in disguise).
Furthermore, Keith is told that he fights like a Galra soldier. Retrospectively, we assume this is because Keith IS Galra. And, yeah, fine. But, you know who else would need to fight like a Galran? The gladiator champion who fought for the Galran’s entertainment. Throughout all of season 2 Shiro constantly keeps telling Keith that he will need to take over as a leader one day. As the black paladin. This reveals 2 things: first, that Shiro has faith in Keith even though he’s so unstable because he IS Keith. He knows he can do it because, well, he did. Second, Shiro knows that Keith can and will have to take over one day. Because he already saw it happen. He urged Keith on because he knew it would be necessary. The black lion accepts Keith instantly, because he is literally the same person as the previous Paladin.
Other details. Shiro’s amnesia. If it’s real, it doesn’t contradict the theory. Just because Shiro is Keith doesn’t mean he didn’t also get captured by the Galra. But if he’s faking it, well, it would be convenient, wouldn’t it? In order to not reveal too much about his (and therefore Keith’s) past, he fakes not being able to remember. That leaves his background just ambiguous enough that he really could be anyone. Also, how do Keith and Shiro know each other? Their friendship is established as being very strong in the first episode, but it is never explained how or why they know each other. With their age difference, under what circumstances would they naturally meet and become friends? They’re not related, and they wouldn’t have been in school together. It has to be because Shiro knew to seek out Keith specifically, and Keith inherently trusted him because he sensed something familiar about Shiro.
So Keith doesn’t know that Shiro is him from the future. The paladins (who, nowadays, no longer include Shiro) begin to figure out that Keith looks more and more like Shiro as he gets older, but they just think it’s a strange coincidence. Eventually, they come to realize that the kerberos mission was doomed to fail without an experienced member on the team. Matt Holt would certainly have been doomed without Shiro to protect him, and Shiro needed to have experience with the Galra in order to do it. Keith realizes that he was Shiro the whole time, and when he prepares for the Kerberos flight, he assumes the pseudonym of his long time friend and mentor: Takashi Shirogane.
Obama Did Homestuck
As much as we’d like to avoid it, there are some facts we just can’t ignore any longer. There’s some math that I wish didn’t add up, but it does. Take a took:
Homestuck ran from 2009-2016. Now take a look at this.
Obama’s presidency spans across almost the exact same dates. Coincidence? I think not. That’s right, Barack Hussein Obama II, the 44th president of the United States of America, did Homestuck.
I know what you’re thinking. “But Andrew Hussie wrote Homestuck.” You poor fool. That’s exactly what Obama wants you to think. You see, there is no Andrew Hussie.
Hussie. Hussein. Sound familiar? There’s a reason he refused to release his birth certificate.
It took extensive research, but here’s what I’ve pieced together. Obama is the real author of Homestuck, but he was forced to cover it up. Why? It’s simple. Politics.
Let me take you back in time, to early 2009. It’s the beginning of Obama’s first term. Being president is stressful. He needs some kind of release. What does he turn to? A creative outlet. Homestuck.
At first it was good for him. It helped him through his early accomplishments, like singing the Lilly Ledbetter limitations for equal-pay lawsuits, and Obamacare. But then it began to take a toll on his personal life. By day, he was busy with his presidential duties, but by night, he sacrificed his sleep, his family, his very sanity, for Homestuck.
Look at this photo. Does Michelle look happy? Of course not. Her husband is neglecting her. He’s neglecting his children, and everything else that matters to him. Homestuck used to be a stress reliever, but it soon became a source of stress itself.
Look at this photo from before and after his presidency. Look at the toll Homestuck has taken on him.
Now back to Andrew Hussie. Why is this fictional man given the credit for Obama’s hard work? Wouldn’t Obama be outraged? Wouldn’t he want credit for the masterpiece he created? Well you see, Andrew Hussie is a hoax that Obama himself orchestrated all along.
2012 was a tumultuous year. Obama needed to take stock of his priorities. He was expected to run for reelection. He needed a second term. America needed him. But he needed Homestuck. By then, Homestuck had become an unstoppable force unto its own. Obama needed to confront the monster he created.
He needed a scapegoat. Enter Andrew Hussie. Or as he’s really known, a member of Obama’s cabinet.
Let’s take a closer look…
Now let’s take a look at “Andrew Hussie.” Look familiar?
Obama forced this member of his cabinet to take the fall for Homestuck. He may have been using this scapegoat as early as 2010, sending his cabinet member to a fan convention that same year. “Hussie” was even named one of Foreign Policy Magazine’s top 100 global thinkers of 2012. You really a dark horse like “Hussie” could garner that kind of attention? Of course not. It was Obama’s tour de force for which he took the credit. Doesn’t it make more sense that a US president would be a global thinker?
If this seems crazy to you, you’re right. Obama made it seem that way. He couldn’t have a scandal like Homestuck tainting his reelection campaign. He needed “Hussie” to take the hit.
Need further proof? Let’s take a look at the obvious parallels between Homestuck and Obama’s life. Many of the characters bear a striking resemblance to people that Obama would have regularly been in contact with. For example, here’s Mitt Romney.
Look at the smile.
And lastly: McCain.
Later in his second term, Obama had to let “Hussie” take over the writing process. This accounts for the obvious stylistic differences in the later acts. “Hussie’s” long silence, known as omegapause (August 12, 2015 - March 28, 2016), was when Obama officially handed the reigns over to “Hussie.” Obama took this time to focus on the final acts of his presidency, knowing that he was going to be termed out very soon. Everything written after that date was the work of Obama’s puppet.
To me, it’s sad that Obama’s responsibilities as president tore him away from his true passion. I will always wonder what Homestuck might have been if its original author had been allowed to finish what he started.
archie andrews has fought in every american war
This suggests some kind of time traveling Archie Andrews....
I want to Believe
paul atreides is a quirked up white boy, goated with the spice
you’ve probably seen the jokes about how archie andrews from riverdale went to war, but the producers refuse to say what war it was
but i’m here to tell you that the reliality is stranger than you could possibly imagine unless you watch the show
this is archie’s dress uniform
(the tepia overlay is present every time he wears it, i have not altered the shot at all)
this is archie and his buddy in the trenches, in their combat uniforms
yes I said trenches. that screenshot is from a flashback archie has to a member of his platoon loosing a leg to enemy shells in no-man’s land. (he specifically calls it no-man’s land)
Okay, so it’s WWI. That’s deeply weird, given Riverdale takes place in more or less the present day (there’s a weird amount of old-timey tech, but everyone also has iphones and laptops, so we can assume the old tech is people being retro), but it’s at least an answer
but it gets weirder.
because we know what country archie was fighting in. his deployment was in uzbekistan.
now despite it being called a world war, not every country was involved in the first world war. uzbekistan did not fight on either side.
because the country didn’t formally exist until 1991
so in whatever parrallel universe riverdale takes place in, new york and the town of riverdale exist essentially in the present day, the soviet union has fallen, but former soviet union countries are still fighting a war which should have ended more than 100 years ago.
so that’s bonkers, but i’m not done
in the episode in which archie decides to join the army, the school digs up a time-capsule from the 1940s and opens it. inside is a picture of four riverdale high students who were shipping out to the army the day after the time capsule was burried
the ghosts of these four WWII soldiers then appear to archie, convincing him that he should join up and fight
so to be clear, archie fought in the first world war, in a country which did not exist during the first world war, because he was told to by the ghosts of soldiers from the second world war, a war which could not have happened yet because the first world war is apparently still ongoing
and also it’s the present day and archie owns an iphone
unvisitableroom
fuck it i need to watch this show
Today is Plankton’s 60th birthday
(this is from the Spongebob pitch packet btw)
jon: *enters the tunnels*
the eye: wait. where’s my boy? WHERE IS MY SPECIAL LITTLE BOY WHERE DID HE GO??? OH MY GOD. I LOST MY FUCKING BOY. JONAH. JONAH ARE YOU SEEING THIS I LOST MY FUCKING BOY. IM A TERRIBLE ELDRITCH PATRON JONAH. ALL THESE EYES. AND I STILL MANAGED TO LOSE MY BOY.
Doctor Who is the only TV pilot to air twice because its first airing was interrupted by the news of the Kennedy assassination
Starfleet in the year 3000: We’ve made great strides in hologram technology. They can detect even the slightest shift in the protein of a cell. Personality-wise? They’re still annoying as shit tho
Umbrella Academy Season 2 Review
So, the season opens with Klaus and Bogo’s wedding. Personally, I was a bit surprised by this. I mean, I, like everyone else, had obviously noticed the sexual tension between Klaus and Pogo in season 1, but I didn’t think their relationship would progress so quickly. No matter—my confusion was quickly resolved when this was revealed to be a significant jump into the future. Now I’m excited to see what events will lead up to this moment. Curiously, pogo is depicted with blonde fur and piercing blue eyes. He didn’t have those before, right? What’s going on here? Luther is nowhere to be seen.
So now we catch up with Diego, who has been forced to quit promoting his tech startup in order to restrain Luther in his basement full time. We learn that Luther’s ape DNA has been ravaging his mind in addition to his body, and now he has begun to behave in a manner that is unpredictable and dangerous. It clearly pains Diego to do what must be done, but he understands the importance of protecting his siblings.
Allison is devastated, naturally. She wears all black for the remainder of the series, and her face is always obscured by an ornate lace veil. I thought this subtle symbolism of her grief was a nice touch. Her only solace in the entire series is hanging out with Vanya. They get like ice cream together and stuff and it’s really nice. Anyway.
Restraining Luther is really taking its toll on Diego. In just a few episodes he goes from a handsome young man to an old, stressed out geezer. [insert photo of old 5]. Clearly, something needs to be done about Luther. Diego can’t carry on like this, and it will rip him apart to continue to try. With Diego too broken to act, it is Vanya to the rescue. As established in Season 1, Vanya can breathe underwater and withstand intense atmospheric pressure, so naturally she volunteers to drive Luther to the moon to live out the rest of his days, just as Daddy Hargreaves intended. Luther had to be tased several times and restrained with horse tranquilizers, but the result is a peaceful, poetic, and poignant scene where Vanya sails through the sky while Drive Me to the Moon plays in the background. I’m not going to lie guys, I shed a tear at this moment.
You’re probably wonder why 5 let Vanya borrow his car for this purpose, as it was surely destroyed in the process of transporting Luther to his lunar prison. Well the answer is that he didn’t. Luther’s dramatic subplot eclipsed a larger issue. Just as 5’s age was reversed in Season 1 so that the 60-something year-old man was represented by a teen boy, this time 5’s aging process reversed even more. Five has now been reduced to a newborn infant, in a brilliant Benjamin Button-style twist. Despite his infantile appearance, it is made evident that he still possesses the sharp wit of an older man by the fact that he sips margaritas from his baby bottle and can frequently be seen cuddling and sucking on a loaded handgun.
None of the other siblings knew what to do with him or how to care for a baby. Because of this, Five spends the majority of the Season cradled in Dolores the mannequin’s arms, where he was left by his siblings, who did not know or care how to better look after him. He only moves from this position when Allison takes pity on him in episode 12, where she scoops him up, smiles at his delighted face, and finally removes her veil once and for all. We can safely assume that Allison has decided to adopt him from that point onward. Allison has never embraced typical sibling relationships, instead treating her brother Luther as a love interest and now, in order to heal her broken heart, treats her brother Five as an adopted son. This is a beautiful character arc and it was an honor to watch Allison’s character grow in such a significant way.
We see intermittent flashes of Luther on the moon. He is growing increasingly apelike, and finally, is no longer recognizable as the man he once was. Around this time, the enigmatic link between Pogo and Luther is finally revealed. When Luther is reduced to nothing but a King Kong-esque apeman destined to live and die in lunar solitude, Bogo’s blonde haired blue eyed appearance is explained at last. Boho steps forward in one of the final scenes, and in walks... Luther?? Wait what? The Hargreaves siblings are similarly confused, including Ben, who is now alive. There is nothing monkey-like about this Luther. He is 100% human. It is Allison who ventures first, to ask what is going on.
Luther, or should I say “Luther,” explains that he is not Luther at all. Luther is still a gorilla man rotting on the moon, just as Vanya left him. This new and improved Luther is actually Bogo, who explains that he had been growing increasingly human just as Luther had been feeling his humanity slip away. “You see, there was a link established between Luther and myself, ever since he was injected with the ape DNA in order to save his life. The same DNA that once saved mine.”
The siblings couldn’t believe what they were hearing. I, the viewer, couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Pogo was once a human?
“Not just any human. My children, it is so good to see you all again,” he said, and they finally recognized the voice as that of their father. Klaus divorced him immediately upon learning this shocking information.
In the end it is revealed that Reginald could take on other corporeal forms by switching his life force with theirs, and he had been using this technique to stay alive since the Byzantine empire, when he was born. He never intended to save Luther from the animal instinct that overtook him. Instead, all of it, including when he sent Luther to the moon the first time, was all just preparation so that Reginald could groom his next corporeal form. He never loved Luther as a son, and now he finally admitted it.
Over all I thought this season had a really great premise. Many of the scenes were beautifully acted and moved me to tears. I loved the tiny details, like how Hazel was JFK all long and how Vanya got together with Liberty Belle from GLOW. This season had a lot of great twists and I’m really excited to see what happens in Season 4. Let me know what you guys think!!
Good Omens Theory: Aziraphale Only Eats Foods That Look Like Him
We all know Aziraphale likes to eat. But have you ever considered what kind of food he likes the most? Hint: It’s a very specific category.
But before we consider the food, we must consider the man. How can you describe Aziraphale? Fluffy, white, sweet, satisfying. Sound familiar? That’s right- so are all of his favorite foods
Throughout the show, we’re given multiple examples of Aziraphale’s chosen foods. In one of his first scenes, Aziraphale is shown eating sushi. We know this is not a one-time occurrence, as he seems familiar with the man serving his food. Arizaphale even goes as far as to offer a piece of sushi to Gabriel, who it is well known doesn’t eat anything, showing Aziraphale thinks very highly of sushi if he believes it would be a worthy first meal. Now then, we all know that sushi’s most distinct physical trait is the fluffy, white, satisfying rice that it is wrapped in. Sound familiar? Remind you of any angels?
Not convinced? What about the other iconic Aziraphale moment? When Arizaphale finally gets his hands on the all important Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch, he makes himself a cup of cocoa. What’s in that cocoa but marshmallows? Fluffy, white, sweet marshmallows. Just like our favorite angel.
Or what about in the final episode, where he orders a plain vanilla ice cream cone? Again, a white, fluffy, sweet, food. Aziraphale is a vanilla guy. The ice cream is also foreshadowing what can occur to an angel’s body when it is exposed to Hellfire: the body melts, like an ice cream in the sun. Again, another solid connection between Aziraphale’s physical form and the food he chooses to consume.
But what does this mean, that Aziraphale only eats foods that look like him? As established in the scene with Gabriel, other angels do not eat food. Eating is a distinctly human trait. It is one of the many earthly pleasures Arizaphale enjoys that distances him from the other angels and the divine itself. Aziraphale’s love of food shows his susceptibly to the human quality of sin, especially the sin of gluttony, or over-eating. But why does he only eat foods that look like him?
This is because Arizaphale also falls victim to the sin of vanity, or pride. While the other angels are happy to serve the divine plan, Arizaphale is shown constantly thinking for himself, even going as far as to directly disobey God and attempt to thwart Her divine plan. Aziraphale has a clear sense of self that the other angels, portrayed as minions or nameless soldiers, clearly lack.
This individualism is clearly something Aziraphale picked up from his centuries of living amongst humans. You must think pretty highly of yourself to believe that your own plan and desires are better than God’s, the all-mighty creator of the universe. Doesn’t that sound like Vanity to you? Aziraphale’s food choices are just another embodiment of this sin. That Aziraphale eats, especially his choice of food, shows his distance from the divine and his ability to sin that he has gained from his time on earth. His sin is being a snacc.
The Umbrella Academy Season 2 Theory: Who Shot JFK?
I think the biggest question we’re all wondering after the season 1 finale is where Five’s time jump will take them. Based on evidence from the second arc of the comics, as well as clues planted in season 1, I think I’ve found the answer: 22 November, 1963. That’s right, the day of the Kennedy assassination.
In the second run of The Umbrella Academy comic series (entitled Dallas), the siblings must team up in order to carry out the assassination of JFK. I believe the show will follow a similar arc. The show has already touched on the JFK assassination in the first season, as it is this moment that Five jumps from the past into the present of the show’s timeline in the first episode. Here, it is implied that Five was poised to shoot JFK, but jumps before he can finish the job.
If Five was sent by the Commission to kill JFK, this moment must be crucial to maintaining the current timeline, the timeline which ends in the apocalypse. Since the show establishes that minor changes (such as the death of a chef) can have larger effects (the crashing of the Hindenberg), perhaps preventing JFK’s death can set us on a path that averts the apocalypse.
Besides, what better place to travel back in time than the swinging sixties?
well well well, look who’s right once again (it’s me)
COVID-19 Theory
You’ve Heard of COVID-19, But What About COVID-18?
Aka Butt Covid. That’s right.
The aforementioned form of Covid doesn’t attack the lungs, or the nerves. It goes straight for the butt. And back in 2011, it killed 600 million people. So why hasn’t anyone heard of it before now?
You’ve probably heard various theories about how COVID-19 was created in a lab to be used as a biological weapon, either by America, China, Russia, or some other country. These may or may not be true. But what I do know is that COVID-18 had a similar, but even more sinister origin…
Butt Covid was never meant to exist. Researchers in Helsinki employed unconventional and questionable methods to search for an ebola vaccine, when something went terribly wrong. Their samples weren’t contaminated, or irradiated. This isn’t a movie. Instead, they just… morphed. Seemingly of their own volition. It’s like the samples had taken on their own intelligence. And thus was Butt Covid born unto the world.
Carried dormant in the unwitting butts of Finnish scientists, COVID-18 quickly made its way across the world’s continents, wreaking havoc in its wake. Before the world’s leaders could even blink, the virus had claimed more than 600 million victims.
So that explains how Butt Covid came to exist, but that doesn’t explain why you’ve never heard of it.
With 600 million dead, world leaders were scrambling. They didn’t know what to do? Own it? Publicly apologize? Mourn the dead? Memorialize them? No. World leaders opted for the classic C.Y.A. approach. They covered their asses to protect themselves from Butt Covid.
It was a multi billion dollar operation. Between finding vaccines that could be snuck into the water supply without the public knowing any better, coming up with fake death certificates featuring an array of causes of death OTHER than butt Covid, and paying off the victim’s families in hush money, the entire endeavor was very costly. But in the end, the government decided that all of this money, time, and effort was worth more than the global hysteria that would ensue if they came forward with the truth.
Given the current state of affairs, can you blame them?
But never more. I’m coming forward because someone has to. Butt Covid was real, and even though the government saved us from it, they also created it. They saved our asses in order to save their own.
But is Butt Covid really gone for good? The same team of Finnish scientists responsible for unleashing this horror into the world (what remains of them, anyway) found in a recent study that trace amounts of Butt Covid remain. So what’s going on, then? Why aren’t people dying from it? In the study, they proposed a theory. By releasing Butt Covid into the world, yes, people died. But the people who remained developed a sort of herd immunity to the virus. More specifically, their butts did. Herd Butt Immunity, referred to throughout the study as HBI, has taken root in our booties, thereby eliminating most, if not all, of the threat.
Still, just because Butt Covid can’t hurt us anymore, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t talk about it. When Butt Covid reared its ugly bottom, the government covered it up. Should we just sit down on our asses and take that? No. We should stand up for the truth. Stay informed, folks. Stay alert. Don’t let history repeat itself.
Anime Theory: One Man to Save Them All
If you’re an eagle-eyed viewer that watches a lot of anime, you might have noticed a reoccurring figure in many of your favorite shows. Have you ever taken a close look at Tenya Iida (My Hero Academia):
Kyoya Ootori from Ouran High School Host Club:
Rei Ryūgazaki from Free!
Notice anything? There’s obvious similarities: same hair, same glasses, all in high school. But beyond that, they all have similar personalities. Each of these characters is the voice of reason for their group of friends. They’re the responsible one, the level-headed friend willing to take a step back and consider the wider consequences of whatever zany action the group wants to take. For example, Iida is the class president, Kyoya is the host club’s manager, and Rei eventually becomes the captain of the swim team.
I posit that these guys aren't only similar, but are in fact the same guy. But how, you ask? How can one man attend three high schools at once? And while you can argue that he could transfer from one high school to another, such as from Ouran High to the high school in Free!, My Hero Academia takes place in a world where 80% of humanity has superpowers.
There’s one more man I have yet to introduce: Satoru Fujinuma from Erased.
Again, the physical similarities are clear: the same glasses and hair. He also has the same logical, level-headed personalities as the guys I've mentioned already.
The plot of Erased centers around the 29-year old Satoru traveling back to the past in order to solve, and thus prevent, the murder of a classmate. When Satoru time-travels, his age changes as well. In Erased, he becomes 10-years old again. What if Satoru’s time-traveling power activated again, this time sending him back to high school? What if at each high school featured in each series, a horrible murder was to occur? And only a time-traveling Satoru Fujinuma could prevent them? This would explain why each of the characters presented here act as a voice of reason for their friends, stopping them from getting into dangerous situations that could lead to their deaths.
Let’s take a moment to break down the timeline. We can assume that Erased, Free!, and Ouran High School Host Club are all contemporary shows, taking place at the same time they were made. Erased was aired in 2016, at which time Satoru was 29. Oran High School host club aired in 2006, and Free! begin airing in 2013. Both of these dates are in the past, allowing Satoru to travel back to them using his established time-traveling ability. There is significant time between each date, ensuring that that the two time-traveling Satoru's could not run into each other.
But what about My Hero Academia you ask, where everyone has super powers called “Quirks”? Surely this is an alternate reality? Not necessarily. Why couldn’t My Hero Academia take place in the future? The lore of BNHA states that we began to shift into a superpowered society when a baby that could emit light was born in China, and afterwards quirks became more and more common. Any day now a baby with superpowers could be born, initiating the change from our world to the world of My Hero Academia. Even if Satoru was an old man by the time this future rolled around, he could still use his time travel power to become younger and become ‘Tenya Iida’. Who knows, maybe Satoru’s time-travel ability was the real first appearance of a “Quirk”.
After all, if Satoru has the ability to travel in time and prevent murders, why would he stop at just one? Why not save other innocent lives? In Erased, it is stated that Satoru becomes a professional magna artist. Maybe these magna are about this adventures time-traveling and saving lives. Magna that eventually got adapted in anime like Erased, Ouran High School Host Club, Free! and My Hero Academia.
There’s too much here to think it’s all a coincidence. There can be only one answer. That’s right: Tenya Iida, Kyoya Ootori, Rei Ryūgazaki and are all a time-traveling Satoru Fujinuma, sent back in time to prevent horrible murders.