Too many memories on here New Tumblr the518og

Just so you know the truth

“Nobody that said I love you to me really meant it” The one thing that just hurts the most is that you probably truly do believe that. If I didn’t love you I wouldn’t of invested all my time into you, always jumping for you when you needed me even if it was during work or during a bad time. No matter what I was doing I’d always be there for you. If I didn’t love you I wouldn’t of tried to help you get back in touch with your birth parents and have gone with you to meet them so you’d be comfortable. If I didn’t love you I wouldn’t of constantly told your mom how hard you were trying and to just be more lax on you. If I didn’t love you I wouldn’t of battled with your stepdad constantly and always defended you no matter what the cost to myself was. If I didn’t love you I wouldn’t of constantly told your mom the truth about him and always defended you. If I didn’t love you I wouldn’t of always asked her for extra time to see you when she initially said no even if it was only an hour that hour was everything to me. If I didn’t love you I wouldn’t of supported you unconditionally and every time you’d put yourself down I’d always say the opposite and reassure you because when you love somebody you don’t see their flaws or imperfections. If I didn’t love you I wouldn’t of dealt with all the drama and bullshit at home just to see you and make things work. If I didn’t love you I wouldn’t of told it to you everyday multiple times for almost 2 years. If I didn’t love you I wouldn’t of prayed for you everyday and I still do. If I didn’t love you I wouldn’t of gotten you Raven and I certainly wouldn’t of gotten you that ring. That ring was because I loved you and I wanted this for life. If I didn’t love you I wouldn’t of wrote them posts about you I wouldn’t of showed you off as much as I did I wouldn’t of wrote those long paragraphs about our future together. If I didn’t love you I wouldn’t still be here with you stuck in my mind. If I didn’t love you I would’ve forgotten and moved on but no I’ve been single since and haven’t even had the slightest desire to ever try to talk to someone again while you moved on to try to forget. If I didn’t love you this would’ve been so much easier, I wouldn’t have these dreams or random thoughts I wouldn’t cry randomly when I think about what we had. If I didn’t love you I wouldn’t still be in love with you even after the fallout but no there’s no denying that I’ve loved you since the moment I said it and I probably always will. I may not of been the best man at times I was foolish and naive and not in a good place myself and I’m certainly not making any excuses because I own up to everything and I truly am sorry and I only wished that you had actually loved me because if you did then you still would. To know that perhaps those were just words to you destroys me. If I didn’t love you I wouldn’t of went through all these changes in my life and have continued to get help this entire time and change who I was but for real. I did it because it was the one true thing you wanted out of me and it was truly what I needed for myself. Despite knowing I’ll probably never see you again I changed because I wanted to be that man you always knew was inside and I’d give anything to know what I know now and be who I am but go back to day 1 when we first met. It was never supposed to end like this. Everything I ever did for you I never wanted anything in return I did it because I loved you with all my heart and wanted you to be happy, I still do... If I didn’t love you I wouldn’t even be writing this I’d be with some other girl enjoying life. But no that’s not the case because I did truly love you and I still do with all my heart and I just don’t see it any other way. So when I see you post something like that it kills me because you’re so wrong I loved you just as much as the first time I said it if not more when the love is real it doesn’t just disappear. There you are moved on with your life and I’m just some memory and here I am crying writing this because now perhaps I do wish I wasn’t in love with you so I could just move on with my life because clearly you have quite easily, hell I may have realized a lot and changed but that doesn’t heal the hole in this heart or the spot you left empty, regardless of whether you believe it or not perhaps you feel better thinking I don’t but I will always love you Bella and I’m sorry for everything and sorry you don’t think I do. You have no idea how much I’d like to reach out or to hear your voice in a happy way one more time or to ask how you’re doing just to be there, but I know it’s not what you want and I have to hold back. But Like I said I would’ve given anything for a do over, still wishing you nothing but the best, don’t give up just yet, because you’re the strongest and most beautiful woman I have or I ever will meet and as much as the memories kill me I’m thankful that I at least had the time I did with you and I only wish I could go back so I could’ve had so much more.

Revelations

The changes I’ve made and the path I’ve taken were mostly for me and the future but they were also for you because if there’s one last thing that I could’ve done it was what you’ve always wanted. It’s hard to find yourself and make change in the midst of things as to why it would’ve never worked. Why I still care, why I still pray for you like I always did despite all the circumstances I guess I’ll never know there’s just some things that remain. Why do you occasionally check, why do I, perhaps dwelling isn’t the best thing to do. However times are different, I don’t hold any hate if anything I’ve always wanted the best regardless of the situation, you can say the love was never real but it was, well some part of me still does I guess that’s why I choose a life of being alone. It was just the wrong time I was damaged to begin with so were you, despite what you believe I always did care and did put you first but there were so many factors in play that I never saw but I always did what I could for you and defended you and tried to make your life better but I guess the negatives outweighed the positive everybody goes through shit these are things after the fact that I knew I could change. Things were never easy and I stayed persistent and learned more about myself despite being unable to replace the emptiness just never say I didn’t try because of you I finally was able to come to terms and fix things for the better, not a day goes by that I don’t wish things could’ve been different back then that I would’ve been able to make the changes. The biggest insult to me is the fact you still believe in your heart that I never loved you or never cared and that those were just words, I wouldn’t of invested so much time and said what I said on a daily basis if it wasn’t true, you can’t fake Shit like that. When it was all said and done I would’ve just moved on and not worried about it not still cared and wanted to check in not still hope you’re okay or I’d be with someone else and hell I would’ve never continued to get help. I did what I did because even if I couldn’t be there I could at least do the one thing you always wanted that you said I could never do. Whatever you hold inside the hate or the pain or whatever you feel I know that somewhere deep down you know the love was real and despite the bad times there were plenty of good times that we did have. I still miss raven and what we had and in the end i only did want to give you the world. You think perhaps it’s easy for me that I should just get over it, well there’s a lot of things I did get over and a lot of things I changed did that bring me happiness, not at all, being a better person doesn’t heal the soul and I still feel bad about the past everyday and still wish I could change things, there’s a reason I haven’t interacted with another person in that way since you’ve been gone because I meant what I said when I spoke about soulmates and you don’t just move on or be able to replace somebody like that and my heart still is in a place that doesn’t exist anymore. But don’t think bad of me or feel hate or wonder because like I said there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t live with it and if I could go back and do it all over I’d do it right. So yes I’m over it but I’ll always care and there will always be that place in my heart, I’ve learned I don’t need anybody else because nobody could replace what was real. I still wonder why you check from time to time perhaps the same reason I do. This is probably the last time I’ll post something because there really isn’t much left to say but I certainly think that I can finally let go because nothing holds me here any longer. You moved on and away to try to get over the past I stayed in it to preserve what was, some wounds never truly do heal. And I truly am sorry for everything and It’s now I realized living is the hard part and dying is easy and perhaps I finally have the courage. Eravate tutto per me, ti amo. Sia buono Bella.

Breaks My Heart Every Fucking Time. Sure things had changed but it was far too late. These days I often think what’s the point anymore because there just isn’t ever going to be someone else, I’ll spend the rest of my days alone because I’d be miserable either way. There’s just some voids you can’t fill I guess I was fine with you being my last. If I could go back I would do it all differently.

4am Thoughts

Sometimes I wish I could go back in life. Not to change things, just to feel a couple things twice.