Nurse: "Your sturgeon will be in shortly"

Patient: "You mean my surgeon?"

Nurse: "No."

*an 800 pound fish flops into the room, thrashing violently on the linoleum and knocking medical equipment to the floor*

It’s a little out of season but here’s a short version of Spooky, Scary Skeletons for 2 oboes, string quintet, and harpsichord.

If dracula busted inside you he'd call it a screampie or some shit

I get no respect on this clown ass website

if you busted inside a clown ass he'd call it a creampie

asked for a 2 piece at kfc and they asked breast or thigh. I said personality and they threw hot grease on me

Stretching isn’t enough I need to be able to disassemble my body like legos

American dipper (Cinclus mexicanus)

really love these two replies in particular

positive affirmations!

gonna call in a shitter like it's a medevac helicopter and I'm a wounded GI in the jungles of Vietnam

imagine getting in one of these and sitting down and a few seconds later you feel it lift off the ground

too busy imagining one of these malfunctioning and raining shit from the sky onto the populace

dave matthews band drone warfare

This is how Elvis got to heaven

I don’t have to worry about "chemicals you can’t pronounce" in my food and my shampoo because I can pronounce every chemical flawlessly and without effort. Butylated hydroxytoluene. Ethylenediaminetetraacetic acid. Fenugreek. I am saying these out loud and laughing at you. I’m immune to all known carcinogens. I can never die. Fight me.

this is by far my favorite safety/warning sign btw. they really went off with this one

No cuz I fucking love this sign. It’s not an actual barrier so it’s not like some sort of challenge it simply says “fuck around and you will find out”

Ohohoho I LOVE “fuck around and find out” signs, especially the really dramatic and ominous (but true) ones

(Context for the last one: it’s a WWII era sign posted around the soldiers’ washroom mirror, warning them to never discuss military plans in places where civilians could hear them and report back to the enemy, e.g. in restaurants and pubs in the country. “Loose lips sink ships”.)

I also love these two, which I would place in the category of “You already fucked around, now you’re about to find out.”

Aerated water is fucking scary. It's water that has a fuckton of gas in it, which reduces the buoyancy to the point where you will immediately start to sink if you fall in.

ive been collecting these recently and wanted to add some of my favorites

Meanwhile, in Spain:

Spring happens and it's not photoshopped!

Actually it's this: a carpet of poplar fluff burns to reveal the grass below at the Parque del Cidacos de Calahorra, Spain.

According to geographyrealm.com:The seed fluff produced by poplars is also highly flammable. The combustible seeds can quickly catch fire and burn off, leaving underlying grass and other vegetation untouched.

Magical

I love the birds singing and the spectators quietly indicating mild concern

Poplar fluff must have a really low ignition point.

[image: tweet by kenzianidiot: "huge valentines day plans this year!!" the embedded image is a screenshot of an instant message exchange, transcribed below:]

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possibly relevant context: the joke where the setup is "What's the best time to go to the dentist?" and the punchline is "Tooth hurty"

Get hot water, not boiling hot but almost hotter than you can stand, and put a metal spoon in it for a few seconds. Take the spoon and put it against the mosquito bite for about 30 seconds. Do it a few times if you like. The proteins that cause the itching are susceptible to heat and break down.

WHY DON’T THEY TEACH THIS SHIT I have four decades of suffering from skeeter bites behind me

One study on 146 individuals treated with a Bite-Away heat pen found similarly effective results from heat treatment; thankfully, spoons dunked in water cost way less than the Bite-Away’s 30 bucks.

You can also blast the bite with a hair dryer - learned this from my mom and it works great

My body comes equipped with a 'heat the fucker up' reaction for viruses and it won't use it on this bastard itch poison? It makes me apply the heat myself? Fuck my body.

i avoid printers at all costs but deep down i think i should've been a printer. life so easy. i sit there all squarelike and when someone has a minor task for me i goFUCK YOU

These fox skulls I got from this dude on eBay are so greasy I'm convinced that he put extra grease on them. I think he Criscoed these bad boys.

STOP LAUGHING AT ME THEY'RE SO GREASY I WAS PROMISED NO GREASE

1.) I KNOW how greasy animal skulls are before you clean em. He just said he was gonna degrease these, is why I'm so upset by the grease.

2.) They were shipped all together loosey goosey in a Save A Lot bag that was

3.) PACKED IN LOOSE OWEN CORNINGS FIBERGLASS INSULATION.

And when I messaged him about it, he was like, "You're insane, man, these bones aren't even that greasy at all and customers all around the world love me for my fiberglass insulation."

Not trying to start drama in the eBay packing materials fandom again, but why were THESE shipped to me in hospital scrubs???

Prescription bottle full of teeth in the mail yesterday. It never fucking ends.

how do airplanes do that