Flirting with Death

context: We were running a “theater of the mind” campaign in Sigil with a party of Unearthed Arcana classes consisting of a Smoke Para-Genasi Mystic (me), a Half-Elf Raven Queen Warlock, a Human War Cleric (the odd one out) and a Gnome Artificer. At one point my character finds himself making a wrong turn into the Shadowfell due to faulty directions (specifically the Raven Queen’s thrown room of all places, determined by a D100).

Raven Queen: Mystic…Order of Immortal. You shouldn’t be here. Did the Lady of Pain send you on official business smokey?

Me, not realizing who she is but feeling honest regardless: Well maybe I just dislike undead that much. It’s almost as bad as my inability to die.

RQ: *laughs* It’s been so very long since I last laughed. Perhaps I’ll let you spend the night after all.

Me: Well, who am I to turn down an offer from the prettiest lady I’ve ever seen?

RQ: Hmmm….keep it up and I might blush for the first time in tens of thousands of years. But don’t you worry, you’ll be wanting to go back home soon enough.

Me, still not getting it: I already feel home.

DM: give me a constitution saving throw.

Me, out of character: why?

DM: You’ll see.

Me, out of character: 19…add modifier…

DM: I’ll just say it, she kisses you, and suddenly through the kiss she sends one little tidbit into your mind that reveals who she is. Congratulations, you just got smooched by the Raven Queen and lived.

Me: I kiss her back.

DM decides to cut to the rest of the party, and suddenly the Warlock starts hearing a voice in her head. The Voice of her patron saying one simple phrase that leaves the Warlock red faced for days.

RQ: I think I’ll borrow your smokey sexy friend for a few while.

Warlock: (out loud) I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW.

Cleric: Know what?

Warlock: You won’t believe me, just have [Mystic] show you.

Cleric: On second thought I think I’m better off not knowing either.

After all that time, my character eventually does get let back into Sigil, but not without being covered in hickies and peck marks.

Me, out of character: My character just has the biggest, dumbest grin on his face, like he’s got something he really wants to tell the party.

Cleric to the Warlock, upon spotting me: Oh.

Me: I can tell you how it wen-

Cleric, Warlock and Artificer simultaneously while the DM is shaking his head: No. Just no.

Poppies taking over a field in Poland

ph. Kacper Kowalski

who wants to see my cats when they were kittens

please show us what they look like now

foolishness

Source: [x]

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Source: [x]

Click HERE for more facts

Comp of my favourite guns

please add on this is fucking wild

You know what this does.

this is called a punt gun. IT WAS USED TO HUNT ENTIRE FLOCKS OF DUCKS AT A TIME.

what’s that? you wish you didnt need to dispose of the body? WELL WHY DON’T YOU GET A FUCKING NINE BARELLED SHOTGUN YOU’LL BREAK YOUR ARM BUT YOUR VICTIM WILL BE RED MIST.

Give this to your party in the next dnd campaign. It’s called an apache revolver and every single fucking class can specialize in it.

You know how in a cartoon a gun will bend, and it shoots that direction? Well this fuck decided to create a gun like that, designed to shoot around corners. 

This is called a PARASCOPE, gun. LITERALLY DESIGNED SO YOU DON’T POKE YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE TRENCHES.

“this isn’t even a gun?” NO IT IS. IT’S CALLED A POCKETKNIFE PISTOL AND WAS MADE FOR HOME DEFENSE. (on a side note we should still make these and have these be the only guns “for self defense” correct me if im wrong.)

“this is a mace?” 

NO DUDE THIS WAS  CALLED KING HENRYS WALKING STICK, AND WAS OWNED BY HIM. IT HAS THREE SMALL HOLES ON THE MACE THAT SHOOT.

take a wild fucking guess how you fire it. JUST GUESS. 

YES. THE GUN IS FIRED BY FUCKING PUNCHING.

THIS IS A FUCKING RING. IT FITS AROUND YOUR FINGER. AND IT’S A GUN. A SIX SHOT GUN 

“well that’s an odd frame for a gun.”

YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE IT WAS DESIGNED TO REPLACE YOUR BICYCLE FRAME. The reason these were made, was because before the automobile, the best way to transport your gun was on bike. SO WHY NOT HAVE YOUR GUN, BE THE BIKE

Yes. THIS IS DESIGNED TO LOOK LIKE LIPSTICK. IT’S AS BIG AS ONE TOO. I DON’T KNOW IF THESE ARE STILL LEGAL, BUT GALS, THIS COULD BE A GREAT THING TO CARRY WITH YOU.

You see this rifle? IT CAN DESTROY TANKS. AND YES, THIS BADASS MANAGED TO PERFECTLY HANDLE IT’S WEIGHT.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=11&v=nKDtpbLx-XM

YOU SEE THIS GUN? IT’S CALLED A SMART GUN. THE ONLY WAY TO FIRE IT IS TO HAVE YOUR FINGERPRINT SCANNED, AND TO BE WEARING THE WATCH THAT COMES WITH IT. NOW THERE IS LITERALLY NO EXCUSE FOR KIDS TAKING THEIR PARENTS GUNS.

YEAH, THIS IS A PEN. For when a writers done with your shit.

This is called a vomit gun. and you’re right! this doesn’t fire bullets. INSTEAD, THIS BITCH SHOOTS A LED LIGHT THATS SO BRIGHT, AND DISORIENTING, THAT IT LITERALLY CAUSES YOU TO VOMIT, FALL OVER FROM INTENSE DIZZINESS, AND BLIND THEM. IT ALSO EMITS PULSES TO DISORIENT THEM, AND HAS A VARIETY OF EFFECTS THAT REALLY FUCK YOU UP. (the effectiveness and everything about it is being questioned, but it IS bright enough to blind you.)

this isn’t a special ammo shotgun.

it’s a grenade launcher.

this is exactly what you think it is.

30 barrel revolver. What the fuck can I think of for witty commentary. Just look at it.

HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO END THIS.

LOVE ME!

Flirting with Death

context: We were running a “theater of the mind” campaign in Sigil with a party of Unearthed Arcana classes consisting of a Smoke Para-Genasi Mystic (me), a Half-Elf Raven Queen Warlock, a Human War Cleric (the odd one out) and a Gnome Artificer. At one point my character finds himself making a wrong turn into the Shadowfell due to faulty directions (specifically the Raven Queen’s thrown room of all places, determined by a D100).

Raven Queen: Mystic…Order of Immortal. You shouldn’t be here. Did the Lady of Pain send you on official business smokey?

Me, not realizing who she is but feeling honest regardless: Well maybe I just dislike undead that much. It’s almost as bad as my inability to die.

RQ: *laughs* It’s been so very long since I last laughed. Perhaps I’ll let you spend the night after all.

Me: Well, who am I to turn down an offer from the prettiest lady I’ve ever seen?

RQ: Hmmm….keep it up and I might blush for the first time in tens of thousands of years. But don’t you worry, you’ll be wanting to go back home soon enough.

Me, still not getting it: I already feel home.

DM: give me a constitution saving throw.

Me, out of character: why?

DM: You’ll see.

Me, out of character: 19…add modifier…

DM: I’ll just say it, she kisses you, and suddenly through the kiss she sends one little tidbit into your mind that reveals who she is. Congratulations, you just got smooched by the Raven Queen and lived.

Me: I kiss her back.

DM decides to cut to the rest of the party, and suddenly the Warlock starts hearing a voice in her head. The Voice of her patron saying one simple phrase that leaves the Warlock red faced for days.

RQ: I think I’ll borrow your smokey sexy friend for a few while.

Warlock: (out loud) I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW.

Cleric: Know what?

Warlock: You won’t believe me, just have [Mystic] show you.

Cleric: On second thought I think I’m better off not knowing either.

After all that time, my character eventually does get let back into Sigil, but not without being covered in hickies and peck marks.

Me, out of character: My character just has the biggest, dumbest grin on his face, like he’s got something he really wants to tell the party.

Cleric to the Warlock, upon spotting me: Oh.

Me: I can tell you how it wen-

Cleric, Warlock and Artificer simultaneously while the DM is shaking his head: No. Just no.

“Oklahoma is a red state they are all conservative, why should I care about the flood crisis” actually Oklahoma is a poor fucking prison state controlled by people with money:

Giving into electoral politics means you don’t care about the population denied access to the vote, and that you don’t understand or care about just how poor Oklahoma really is.

There are many reservations in Oklahoma, including Cherokee, Apache, Arapaho, Cheyenne, and Caddo.

Stop shitting on states and their disasters because “it’s a red state”— red states very often are red not because the population is majority red, but because of voter suppression.

Use your darn noggins.

Is this what they wanted?

Nice

double nice

its sad that people in real life don’t tend to have idle animations. i know i do. i love to wiggle and look around for no reason

You: Still as a gotdamn statue… Me:

Source: [x]

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Did I meme right?

Babies Experiencing Things For The First Time

First time watching fireworks:

 First time being dunked into water that’s way too cold:

First time getting caught in a bubble shower:

First time driving through a dark tunnel:

First time chatting with a puppet:

First time finding a new recipe in a cooking magazine:

First time forgetting how spoons work:

First time seeing ice cream:

Whenever I’m feeling sad, I look at this and realise how fucking amazing the world is

How can you hate babies when they’re the friggin best?

Babies make the best faces because they don’t know what restraint is. They just put 100% of whatever they’re currently feeling onto their faces and it’s adorable.

Our queen

this reminds of these kids I used to nanny. the eldest (8 at the time) taught me how to play chess with this set. I remember him going over the pieces and stated that Luigi was the queen and he, no joke, said “because he’s the nicest and you have to protect someone like that” that has always stuck in my head whenever I see Luigi now

The attention he deserves

Bulbasaur is shy but wants to say hi

comeback on point