I think I have a flawed subconscious belief where I believe I can either love or be loved. I don’t know how to make it work both ways and that is something that I need to heal and understand better.

why does forming a connection with someone evoke in me such strong consuming feelings and thoughts, it gives me a high to connect with people and I know this is a common thing but why do I feel like the need for it sometimes suffocates me as well

ever since my first love I don’t think I want to ever feel the loss of someone I loved that much anymore, I want to meet new people and form intimate connections but I don’t want to fall in love anymore it hurts too much

every sad thing that happened in 2022, every “loss” was a blessing to me and my growth, i finally saw what I needed to see and learn, and it made me acknowledge the tip of the iceberg and get curious about what’s beyond that, that pain wasn’t for nothing, just because it didn’t work out the way I wanted it too doesn’t mean it was a failure on the long run but I had to witness time passing and me getting past the intensity of the pain to truly see it for what it was, I’m grateful for the first time after a lot of anger, resentment and numbness

you drained all the fight left in me, and i thought i had such an insatiable urge to fight for all that I loved

note to self: do not let people who made a habit out of being “jokingly mean” get away with it if it upsets you, even if they are no longer in the picture, you will look back and think how could have I let them be mean to me like that

Cover since it’s been a while

I think for the first time in my life im looking more inwards than ever and I am digesting what it actually means to heal, while there’s a lot to heal from but I’m grateful I’m waking up finally, waking up is one of the most difficult decisions I ever had to make because it’s not easy to find the root of your wounds and recall past painful trauma but I have a core belief that what lies on the other end of waking up is rewarding enough to keep me going

on the other hand I am noticing my patterns and tendencies and can tell when I’m reverting to an old coping pattern of mine but I try to notice it with no judgement and no “fuss”

I’m trying to do this thing where I simply observe myself, understand when im feeling triggered -because I don’t always notice when I do- and what’s happening inside me, why it’s happening, how can i soothe it, and if I can talk about it

learning to therapise myself is the gift that the recent events in my life gave me accidentally and inconveniently, and also because I did a lot of research and actual therapy and tried to immerse myself because I was experiencing so much pain at the time and was desperate for a “pain killer” but I’m lucky my painkiller is my deep interest in psychology

I’m grateful for trying to pay attention to myself in that sense, I experienced a lot of trauma in my life and I spent so much of my life trying to look the other way thinking it will protect me, and while it served me it no longer simply is

I accept the losses and the things I’ve gained, and I’m ready to feel the pain and the joy of healing, im ready to healthily accommodate difficult feelings inside my system like sadness, betrayal, abandonment, anger, loss, guilt, disgust, but also regret

healing is about being emotionally available for yourself, when you’ve been taught and programmed your whole life that your survival and livelihood depends on you being emotionally unavailable to yourself, but I empathize with myself and accept that as well.

So many people use the words “love” and “in love” so interchangeably not really knowing the meaning or difference between either, but then again no one really asks themselves what love actually means to them to begin with.

Because asking that question challenges what we think love is, we then have to face how deeply flawed our inherited or acquired perceptions of love are; if we progressed past them firstly and from the need for our parents to love us. Are we healed from our painful encounters with and beliefs about love? And finally, are we ready to be loving? In all the idiosyncrasies and inconveniences engulfed within the very definition of love. This is not about relationships. This is about our relationship with love. Do we understand it? Are we curious enough? I’ll go here and say most of these people you see and interact with everyday are incredibly too afraid of love to be curious about it. They have made million masks to hide their collective subconscious fear of love. And they want to believe they can thrive without acknowledging the dire human need for love. Yes, the will thrive, they will succeed and they will smile everyday. But will they thrive spiritually? Will they not feel like they have an emptiness that won’t go away?

I want to be curious about that. I always called myself a curious person but I often felt like my curiosity was always turned outwards. I constantly felt a sense of misdirection like my efforts and skills were not directed properly. I did therapy and I still felt that. I thought I tried analyzing and solving it but eventually when I didn’t find a solution to “fix” that I thought maybe I’m just paranoid. I now I believe I simply never got curious enough about how I felt, feel or will feel. I sometimes think I know how I feel but I either dismiss, judge or ignore it. My self is out here trying to be seen and I shut her down. My ego shuts her down. The ego is a powerful force. It’ll just be there trying to protect us in the most primitive and chaotic of ways.

Getting closer to ourselves means letting go of what we need to let go of even if it’s scary. It is scary. Imagine throwing away a comfort item. A childhood stuffed animal maybe or an old blanket. There’s a lot of nostalgia and resistance towards what is familiar. But familiar doesn’t always mean good now does it?

Let go. Understand you can’t expect to commit to the act of loving yourself without being able to let go, when your self needs it. In letting go, you’ll feel the freedom that truth tends to bring alongside. It might be scary and lonely at first, but you will be powerful. You’ll be protecting yourself from a place of empowerment not fear.

when does one heal fully, when do we forget completely

sometimes my sadness looks like moodswings