the group chat when i ask whos available to hang out next week
Honestly this is one of the best formatted jokes of all time.
Why are medieval movies always serious war dramas? I just want a medieval rom com. No listen - it could be so good:
The film opens with the wedding - William de something or other is a young nobleman who expected to spend the rest of his life in a monastery illuminating books when his older brother suddenly dies, leaving him with a title and a huge estate to run. He needs a wife and heir to legitimize his claim, and Eleanor is the young daughter of the lord in the neighboring estate. She is eager to get out of her fathers house and become a wife, and the marriage will be a strategic alliance between the two families. Everything is perfect.
However, it instantly becomes clear that the newlyweds can’t stand each other. He thinks she is a shallow teenager, she thinks he’s a pretentious asshole. As soon as they are alone on their wedding night, they make a plan. Instead of consummating their marriage, they will write to the pope with some excuse (that I need to actually research) and request an annulment. The letter will take several months to reach the Vatican and back, and in the mean time they decide to keep it a secret and play the role of a happy couple.
Shenanigans ensue. Running an estate is hard, and both of them are terrible at it. Eleanor starts off on the wrong foot with the seneschal and the servants, the money isn’t adding up, and William has to deal with his serfs coming to him with increasingly hilarious and convoluted complaints. He snores, she hogs the blankets. The members of the household spy and gossip, the animals are underfoot, and someone is always playing the bagpipes at the worst time. The newlyweds bicker and argue and can’t wait for the letter to arrive so they can finally drop the charade and part ways.
After a while though, Eleanor starts getting the hang of being a lady. It turns out she has a brilliant head for math and logistics, and when she figures out that William’s seneschal has been cheating him and fixes the budget to get them through the winter, he starts to trust and rely on her to run the estate. It turns out that William’s abrasivness was hiding a pious and sensitive interior, and once he realised she won’t judge him for it he teaches Eleanor to appreciate art and philosophy (and also how to sword fight because this is my movie and I want a hot fencing lesson scene). Eleanor helps William come to terms with his bisexuality, he learns to respect her struggle as a woman in a patriarchal society (using language that make sense for the period). They realize that unfortunately they also find each other very attractive.
(Someone needs to come up with an actual plot, I’m not good at that.)
The letter from the pope finally arrives granting the annulment, but they take one look at it, toss it in the fire, and go consummate the marriage.
The costumes will all be accurate to the 14th century and thus used to comedic effect whenever possible. The church, the feudal system, and other institutions of Medieval society will be treated as flawed yet nuanced parts of everyday life, people will be reasonably religious for the time period, and there will be lots of dirty jokes (and a hot fencing lesson scene).
Hollywood give me money!!!
Why are medieval movies always serious war dramas?
This is blatant A Knights Tale erasure and I will not stand for it.
(Your idea also sounds fun.)
Midieval/fantasy comedies are my jam and we deserve more.
A few more honorable mentions:
Galavant (technically tv but still so so good)
Ella Enchanted
Ever After
Tenth Kingdom (mini series)
And of course Monty Python and the Holy Grail
“Opposites attract” should be reserved for like “she’s messy and he’s neat!” Not like “she’s supportive and he’s a soul-sucking toxic person!”
castiel-knight-of-hell
There have been studies that show “opposites attract” is a real thing and often makes for the best couples but it should be thought of more like “people with complimenting personalities attract.” An extrovert and introvert get together: the introvert starts enjoying social gatherings more because of the support of the person they love and the extrovert learns the joy of taking a night off to sit at home and watch tv. One person is terrible at managing money but great at teaching children, the other is great at handling money but terrible at teaching children: together they make an amazing team of parents and the kids grow up in a home with stable finances and homework help whenever they need it.
It’s so attractive when someone actually puts in efforts to see or talk to you.
Graphics glitch makes for entertaining weather report…🔊 🔊
Animorphs into myself
animorphing into a happier version of yourself
So i went on a date to a haunted house and made friends with the girls behind us. As we’re going through, one of them is holding my hand and a guy leaps out and separates us. I panic as my date is pulling me along, I reach back for her and grab her hand in a group of three other performers and start getting out if there. After a bit I look back to check on her and I discover I’m holding the hand of a six foot tall zombie creature and not a 5'2" girl.
Cue the most terrifying realization of my life.
I had basically kidnapped this performer from his section and abandoned the girl and her friend behind us.
Yes, I screamed. My date thought it was Hilarious.
Yes, we found the girls. Turns out when I grabbed the performers hand, he grabbed theirs so our group wouldn’t be separated. So there was just this zombie in the middle of our group line for like fifty feet
kyuubinu
This is like a Scooby Doo bit I love it
when u wake up a little and are like “i know what would take this from a 10 to a 100” and u roll over and experience mind melting euphoria before u fall back asleep… best part of being alive. humans were made for beddy bye
legit the best advice i can give you: feed your friends
any time someone is in any kind of crisis or upheaval, offer to feed them. tell them they don't have to choose what it is if they can't make decisions, just ask about allergies and preferences and tell them you're just gonna make food happen at their house.
friend having a baby? delivery gift certificate to order food to the hospital after the kid shows up.
someone's relative passes away? offer to make them dinner.
buddy gets laid off? ask if you can order them lunch.
pal stuck in a depressive episode? offer to drive them to fucking mcdonalds, if that's what they want.
people in crisis are tired and sad and angry and the last thing most of them are doing is thinking about feeding themselves. so if you have the ability or time or money, providing that is always, always a good move.
legit i do this all the time, and it is 100% always appreciated. i have taught all my friends that when something happens, we feed each other. it makes people feel extremely cared for, and I cannot recommend it enough.
pirates of the caribbean really introduced an eldritch octopus man who kills indiscriminately and torments the dead as their poster villain and then you watch the movies and it's like, "oh no, actually the worst villain in this series is a small white british man who functions as the herald of capitalism" and that was very very brave of them
A tall ghoulish looking man with a green robe and strange symbols on his cheeks comes up to you and says "hey sexy. Drink this"
Would you?
hi!! this is a blue crush lemonade from a restaurant called Sugar Mama’s in Baltimore, Maryland, for anyone wondering!!!! support Black-owned businesses!
*drinks the support black owned businesses juice*
Fuck love at first sight, give me friends at first sight. Maybe it's the instant recognition that whatever you have going on in your head, the person in front of you has the same stuff. It can be the spark of connection, the mirrored smile from opposite sides of a room, the companionable silence in a library, the shared boredom at a train station, the startled laugh that brings that warm, fuzzy, pleased satisfaction in the person that caused it. The joining forces for a shared objective despite being strangers, the lending a hand in the right moment, or maybe it's someone else making in the introductions, connecting two people that until now lived in close but separated quarters. There are a thousand ways to fall into a new friendship. Friendship at first sight. Adopting another person to be a part of your life, for who knows how long. Sharing a bus ride. Reading the same book and talking about it on the internet. Looking at someone and realising once again: "oh, we could be friends." Incredible.
We’re not “just friends,” we’re friends.
Stop defining friendship as less than romance. Stop defining romance as better than friendship.
Friendship is enough, friendship is beautiful and fulfilling and good. Friendship isn’t less than. No type of relationship is better than another.
A Pirates of the Caribbean Take Nobody Asked For:
Will may have learnt How To Pirate from Jack, from the first film and that crazy rescue mission (I mean, the last scene at the gallows says everything to me — the hat, the dramatic sword throw, the teamwork with the rope — he’s Jack’s protégé whether he likes it or not) And for a while I thought the same thing about Elizabeth, only then I realised: she didn’t learn piracy from Jack. She learnt it from Barbossa.
She’s always been more ruthless than Will, more efficient, more fierce. Most of the first film, she spent with Barbossa, and she knew he was dangerous. She was exasperated with Jack and underwhelmed by him when they were marooned, and came up with her own plan, completely without his help. She schemes and lies and plays it smart, she’s proud and dignified and she knows it.
If Will was Jack’s unwitting protégé, Barbossa was Elizabeth’s unwitting mentor.
seeing as I am always here to champion PotC as The Rise of Elizabeth Swan, Pirate King, I am so here for this
Barbossa would be fucking proud.
The day Barbossa realized he had an... Heir. A legacy. He was struck dead in his tracks. And then just about died laughing.
deathdaydream
malevolentbox
This is the most encouraging thing I’ve ever seen
idblt4p
I had to complete it
why are there so many posts about asexuals being immune to sirens. people. sirens don’t lure you in with sex (necessarily). they sing about whatever it is that you want most. they could sing about mothman or cinnamon toast crunch and guess what then your asexual pirate is fucking dead
this is the only kind of ace discourse i ever want to see on my dash. the only kind. ever again. good job
Do you think the sirens would be grateful that they finally get some variety?
“Oh my god we can finally just sing about pasta thank the fucking gods.”
totohoy
I’m not asexual but I’m fairly certain sirens would do a far better job luring me into the depths with a song about pasta rather than sex…
I mean.
“WHAT THE FUCK STAY AWAY FROM THE ROCKS.”
“FUCKER THEY SAID THEY HAVE FETTUCCINE CARBONARA AND HOT GARLIC BREAD OVER THERE HANG ON BITCH.”
This is true; Odysseus heard them promising him knowledge of the future. So the next time you see artwork like this:
Remember those sultry naked chicks are saying “We’ll tell you the winning lotto numbers.”
i-am-the-karkat-media-worldwide
Them: “We have unlimited wifi at incredible speeds~” Me: *diving headfirst into the water*
This post is a blessing
Congratulations! Odysseus! You’ve been selected as a winner for the free $1000 Amazon Gift Card, Apple iPhone X 256G or Samsung Galaxy S8! Claim your prize now!
erytria
Oh my god sirens were literally scam websites
Oh my god they were phishing
Jane Austen really said ‘I respect the “I can fix him” movement but that’s just not me. He’ll fix himself if knows what’s good for him’ and that’s why her works are still calling the shots today.
Meanwhile Emily Brönte just said “We can make each other worse.”
maybe if you take a hot shower. cook something. eat a little soup. feel a little sunshine. make something with your hands—it doesn’t have to be big. maybe if you stretch your body and draw a silly little picture and get some rest, the world will feel like something your hands can still hold
shoutout to the lord of the rings lighting directors. bold move to let the audience see what's going on in nighttime scenes. i miss that.
In case no one told you growing up
- Bras last longer if you let them air dry. Don’t put them in the dryer.
- If you have a problem with frizzy hair, don’t dry your hair with a towel. It makes the frizzies worse. (I recently read an article that said to use a t-shirt? I brush mine out and let it air dry.)
- Whites wash best in hot water. Everything else can be in cold - save on your electricity bill.
- You can kill 99.9% of germs in a sponge by putting it in the dishwasher for a cycle or by microwaving it for 2 min (be sure to make the sponge damp before microwaving and to put a cup half full of water in with it and please DO NOT squeeze the sponge until it has cooled off)
- Airing out your room/house and letting sunlight in every so often can decrease the number of household pests like silverfish and ants.
- Black underwear is best during your period as stains are less likely to be visible.
- To save money, put aside 10% of each paycheck into a savings account. It’ll add up.
- Unless your hair has something on/in it (like grease or mud or something), using conditioner first can actually be the better choice. The conditioner holds in the good oils that help you hair look sleek and beautiful, which shampoo would otherwise wash away.
- Speaking of shampoo - if you have long hair, washing just the bits that touch your scalp is generally enough. The rest of your hair gets cleaned with just the run off from your scalp.
- If you put a tampon in and it’s uncomfortable/you can feel it, you didn’t do it quite right. A properly placed tampon is virtually unnoticeable by the wearer.
- Apply deodorant/antiperspirant a couple hours in advance of when you need it. This gives the product the chance to block your sweat glands. Using deodorant just before going somewhere where you’ll sweat (this means walking outside for people in high humidity places) results in your sweat washing the deodorant off and starkly limiting its usefulness.
- After running the dryer, use the dryer sheet from that load to brush out the lint catch - it gets everything off in a fraction of the time it’ll take you to get it clean with your bare hands. Paper towels also work well.
- Wash your face everyday, or as often as possible. Forget which brand of cleanser is best. Just washing your face everyday will guarantee you clearer skin. And do you best not to pop pimples, as tempting as the urge may be.
- Fold laundry asap after taking it from the dryer to avoid wrinkles. This may seem obvious for dress shirts and silly for things like t-shirts, but you’ll notice the difference even then once your shirts stop looking like unfolded paper balls.
home-is-where-the-wifi-is
To all the kids whose parents couldn’t help you with this kind of stuff
This post literally had me going “Oh shit! My bras are outside!” out loud, so I would add “Take your laundry in after line drying it so that it doesn’t get spiders.”
(I don’t know if there are spiders in my bras. This is now my spouse’s job to find out.)
Was reading this with great enjoyment, and then hit the about airing out your house and misread “silverfish” as “shellfish”. And (on the wings of the mental image the phrase then provoked) did a doubletake that nearly gave me whiplash; then laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe for about thirty seconds.
Thank you, OP. That was blessedly cathartic. :)
Also: I need new glasses AGAIN. (sigh)