Detail of a wall painting depicts Osiris, Lord of the underworld, god of fertility, agriculture, the afterlife, the dead, resurrection, life, and vegetation.
Tomb of Horemheb (KV57). New Kingdom, late 18th Dynasty, reign of Horemheb, ca. 1319-1292 BC. Valley of the Kings, West Thebes.
(We just rolled a perception check and discovered a cursed dagger)
DM: … and it appears to be cursed with sentience despite once being an inanimate ob-
Bard: Wait did you say sentient?
DM: Yes, but the-
Bard: I SEDUCE THE DAGGER
Our Swashbuckler is about to feint.
GM: What do you do?
Swashbuckler: I point behind the enemy and shout ‘Look there a distraction!’
GM: Alright, roll for it.
Natural 20
Swashbuckler: I can’t believe that worked
Context: The party has entered a long abandoned city with stores and shops open for the looting.
Cleric: I feel weird taking long dead peoples’ money.
Wizard: What? Do you feel better about taking recently dead peoples’ money?
Cleric: Yeah, because I killed them and their money belongs to me.
Rogue in the backroom picking the locks to the store safe.
DM: …
One of the Players: … hey, [DM]?
DM: Yes?
Player: What is that?
DM: *looks at the plastic figure he just put down in the middle of the party’s camp then up at the players* … What does it look like?
Player: It looks like a dinosaur.
DM: Hm, well, I guess that’s what it must be.
We’re doing session zero for a new campaign, and going against some wolves. I don’t have very high AC and I’ve already missed once, so I decide to use Mind Sliver to get some practically guaranteed damage in. It is now my turn.
DM: So, what are you gonna do?
Me: Make an intelligence saving throw.
DM:
Me: For the wolf next to me, make an intelligence saving throw.
DM: OH. Cause I was just about to say… Is that a threat…?
The wolf fails.
A conversation that took place in response to a meme that was posted in our d&d group chat.
Two massive stone statues of the pharaoh Amenhotep III. The so-called Colossi of Memnon surrounded by fields. Until recently they were all that remained of Amenhotep III’s mortuary temple at Kom el Hetan, West Thebes.
“Let’s not use our terrorism necklace just yet.”
—Our cleric, trying to convince us not to firebomb the enemy camp.
We then proceeded to firebomb the camp, but with molotovs instead of the necklace of fireballs.
Context: we’re in a cave system with tons of drops and waterfalls, we’ve been using a ladder for all the ledges and as a makeshift bridge.
Our revenant paladin, after setting up the ladder bridge with our winged tiefling bard, goes to grapple our tabaxi rogue while my character(a tiefling warlock) crosses the bridge.
Paladin: COME HERE KITTY!!
DM: alright, as warlock(me) gets to the other side the paladin picks up the rogue, the rogue is very confused and is just hanging limply. What do you plan to do?
Paladin(ooc): I yeet the rogue across
DM: I want to reiterate, this is 20 feet across, and an 80 foot drop
Paladin(ooc): I YEET THE CAT!
DM:(staring in concern) since, since she is hanging limp, roll with advantage. Please don’t fail.
First roll is garbage, everyone is yelling, asking about why he did this. Second roll, paladin just barely throws the rogue far enough for her to skitter against the stone on the other side. Everyone is dying of laughter
The Paladin proceeds to nearly fall to his death crossing but manages across with help from the bard. When across my warlock yells at him about what he did
Paladin: Kitty got across safe. I helped the kitty.
Important note, our rogue had the best acrobatics, and didn’t even need to roll to cross the ladder
Wizard: *casts Resilient Sphere on himself*
Wizard: “Stop! Don’t touch me there! This is my no-no sphere!”
(spoilers for Infernal Machine Rebuild)
We captured a unicorn and interrogated her.
US: So the dryads aren’t actually dryads?
UNICORN: [nods.]
US: and they’re hags? evil hags?
UNICORN: [nods.]
US: that’s why you pointed to the Crowns they gave us? the Crowns we are wearing right now?
UNICORN: …
US: so they’re evil hags, and they gave us these Crowns, which we are wearing right now
UNICORN: …
US: and the hags are after us. the hags that gave us the Crowns. which we are wearing
UNICORN: …
US: …
US: oh, okay! let’s continue, then [proceed to not take off the Crowns]
DM: holy fucking shit
