rereading my own writing is just a constant fluctuation between "damn, girl, you wrote this? (affectionate)" and "damn, girl, you wrote this? (derogatory)"
I am also “damn, girl, you wrote this? (forgetful)”
Damn girl, you wrote this?
Damn girl, you wrote this?
Damn girl, you wrote this?
Have you ever been to earth?
On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:
You’re an idiot.
Let me further explain:
Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.
Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.
When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.
And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:
Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.
Nope.
My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.
You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.
And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.
What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.
I just want a burrito.
In conclusion:
You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.
UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:
A fucking fork?
I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.
If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.
That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.
Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.
A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.
People eat burritos with forks?
God is sorry he made us.
I always need this on my blog.
I can’t be laughing this hard in the morning.
Yes
🎀 — things to do while you Fast / distractions from eating
౨ৎ : scroll on A social media !
౨ৎ : Watch youtube , Movies , shows , anime !
౨ৎ : sort Your pinterest Boards
౨ৎ : journal / write In your notes App
౨ৎ : read a book
౨ৎ : talk to a Friend / loved one
౨ৎ : Clean out your camera roll
౨ৎ : study
౨ৎ : sleep ( Ofc )
౨ৎ : plan out your meal for Whenever Youre going to have it
౨ৎ : take photos / make Videos
౨ৎ : plan your Dream life
౨ৎ : learn new Songs / Listen 2 music
౨ৎ : Excerise !
౨ৎ : self care / Shower
౨ৎ : try new Makeup / Hairstyles
౨ৎ : shop ! ( i Adoree depop , cheap mostly & great Finds , you can Sell on there as well and Make Money !! )
౨ৎ : Smoke
౨ৎ : play a Game
౨ৎ : organize Something
౨ৎ : go through Stuff , you Might find stuff to sell or Giveaway , maybe youll find Something you Forgot you had !
౨ৎ : color in a coloring book or draw
౨ৎ : plan new outfits
Breaking up with my boyfriend and being out in the dating scene again is such a huge motivation. "Im not nearly skinny enough to be likeable" "We broke up because he thought I was too fat" "What will they think of me when they see me? Im too fat"
Probably gonna starve myself on the weekends just in case someone asks me out on a date in the near future
The fear of people seeing me eat is back. Id rather eat my lunch on the toilet than anywhere near my coworkers
If you dont start now you gonna look back in a few months and hate yourself even more
You can have a ED and not be fatphobic.
Your ed is not an excuse to be fatphobic. Just starve in peace, pretty starving girls are nice to everyone!
get in loser we’re thinking about the youth you lost while experiencing mental illness
me: drinks 3 pounds of water in one sitting
me: oh my god i gained three pounds i can never come back from this
We've always been close, yet so far away Two planets from different galaxies, I only wish we had a clue So we can spare the heartbreak, Spare the days spent crying, Lying to ourselves and trying To live up to whatever fairytale we wanted; To this day, it still hurts that you’re gone And it kills me that there are parts of me You will never know, We weren't meant to be together in this life, Maybe we weren’t meant to be at all.
~ A. A. Roman
🎀 — things to do while you Fast / distractions from eating
౨ৎ : scroll on A social media !
౨ৎ : Watch youtube , Movies , shows , anime !
౨ৎ : sort Your pinterest Boards
౨ৎ : journal / write In your notes App
౨ৎ : read a book
౨ৎ : talk to a Friend / loved one
౨ৎ : Clean out your camera roll
౨ৎ : study
౨ৎ : sleep ( Ofc )
౨ৎ : plan out your meal for Whenever Youre going to have it
౨ৎ : take photos / make Videos
౨ৎ : plan your Dream life
౨ৎ : learn new Songs / Listen 2 music
౨ৎ : Excerise !
౨ৎ : self care / Shower
౨ৎ : try new Makeup / Hairstyles
౨ৎ : shop ! ( i Adoree depop , cheap mostly & great Finds , you can Sell on there as well and Make Money !! )
౨ৎ : Smoke
౨ৎ : play a Game
౨ৎ : organize Something
౨ৎ : go through Stuff , you Might find stuff to sell or Giveaway , maybe youll find Something you Forgot you had !
౨ৎ : color in a coloring book or draw
౨ৎ : plan new outfits
There’s a spell to small your dick but not to unsmall it???
What do you think this is? Marvel? Actions have consequences
I wanna be fit and eat 1500 calories of delicious food and work out and do yoga and be happy
I also wanna be sick and fast for a week and sleep to avoid eating and be alone
I don't want to be "MeNtAlLy StAbLe", I want to be skinny bitch!!!!!
Period ✨️✨️✨️
when u forget that ur fasting cos ur way too busy to think about food anyways >>>>>
✨️✨️✨️
THIS IS SO IMPORTANT
Reblogging because I care about you guys
Important
Rohypnol has an INCREDIBLY salty taste to it. It’s disgusting. And it also isn’t a drug that acts immediately! The minute you notice the salty taste, you have about 5-10 minutes to get somewhere safe or call an ambulance, and it CAN be fought if you’re aware of it. It will make you woozy, it will make you so dizzy you can’t stand upright, it will certainly make you unable to walk properly, but if you struggle to remain conscious you can get about 20 extra minutes of consciousness from the drug before it will knock you out completely. If you’re in a public place, and the person who drugged you is trying to take you somewhere private, start. a. fight. Insist as LOUDLY and as VIOLENTLY as you can that you refuse to go anywhere with them. Odds are they’re trying to make as little of a scene as possible as they drag you away, and if you’re putting up a fight and very clearly ‘drunk’, eyes will turn on them and they’ll either need to let you go, or cause a serious scene, which they don’t want. Don’t just act like you’re just protesting being taken home, though. Fight like your life depends on it even if they aren’t assaulting you. Cause. A. Scene. That’s the last thing they want.
Everyone should reblog this!
Very useful.
To that last one that shit is NO JOKE
Boasting the FUCK out of this
