it took nine seconds for me to fully process what i was watching and then i started LAUHGHING

I would be dead

BLOCK 100

HEAVY ARMOR 100

So I looked up the whole story and, as the BBC reports:

I wish that book reviews were presented the same way as fanfiction reviews:

“AFHAKFHDKFHAKHFADSKFHKDFDKJHFKJAD” –The New York Times

“OMG I CANT EVEN WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO THEM” –The Wall Street Journal

“you asshole im crying now” –NPR

“AHH THAT WAS SO CUTE THANK YOU! I’ll publish that book I said I’d write for you like next week, I’m a little busy right now but I LOVE THIS” –Sarah Dessen

i’m babysitting this 4 year old kid today and as his dad was leaving he said “be good today” and the kid responded by saying “dad i will punch you in the leg” 

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

for context:

“Beep Beep Bitch, You’re Gay!”

Night in the Museum: here’s a spooky mummy!! oooh!

10 y/o me: haha he’s ugly watch

Night in the Museum: [ mummy unmasks himself to reveal a twenty-something year old Rami Malek ]

10 y/o me: 

great post but this reads exactly like the cereal guy meme

you broke me

i put jergens natural glow on one part of my arm to see what would happen and now i regret it

Wow she really needs to shave her legs

im a fucking man #whyineedfeminism

I just need whatever u put on your arm… I don’t tan at all… Ever.

i literally said what it was

this post is such a fucking mess

Is no one going to talk about the perfect rectanglular shape this thing makes on her arm

i literally said i was a man already why is this still happening

Me: I don’t know if I ever want to be pregnant, I’d rather adopt a kid or two that are a bit older

Someone: Are you SURE? Older adoptees present UNIQUE CHALLENGES

Me: We are discussing human beings not digital pets

Literally every child every born and/or parented presents unique challenges. It’s like people are unique individuals…..or something………….

An amazing and revolutionary concept

When people ask me, “Why do you want to adopt teenagers?” I always answer, “Because you asked like that.”

I’m real over it. If I become a foster mom to a 17 year old kid and I get the privilege of the option to adopt them? You better believe I am legally making that kid mine.

“They’ll be a legal adult in no time, why spend the money to adopt? They’ll be aged out of the system.”

There’s no aging out of family, Marvin.

“They might be rebellious or smoke or do drugs or steal things! What if they won’t listen to you?”

Then I guess I’ll have to step up and do some fruxking parenting, Stanley.

“You want to adopt problem children then?”

All. Children. Are. Problem. Children. If you’re not prepared to deal with the fact that at some point, any child ever, whether you birthed them yourself or adopted them at any age, could become a problem? Then you are NOT ready to have children, and should really just step off and let the people who actually want to be parents live in peace with their kids.

Hey I’m so glad this post is picking up

when my friend found out her boyfriend of three years was cheating on her she went through his phone, took pictures of every interaction he had with another girl, printed them out, wrote down where she had been at every instance and what lies he had told her about where he would be, and put them in a folder. when she confronted him and he denied everything she pulled out this big ass folder and just said “lets review” and Honestly, that is the most iconic thing anyone has ever done.

dont say nothin just reblog if she looks like who you know we all think she looks like

There is either a cowboy in your house or there isn’t and you have to deal with that

……..what does this mean

It means you just have to deal with that

JESUS?? 

JESUS????

i had no idea they were so frickin huge

I love them so much because they’re about as sharp as a baseball and their anatomy is ridiculous to the point of them literally being classified as plankton for years because they just sort of get blown around by the ocean and look confused, but because they lay more eggs than ANY OTHER VERTEBRATE IN EXISTENCE, evolution can’t stop them

Why is no big predator coming and gnawing on them?

Their biggest defense is that they’re massive and have super tough skin, but they do get hunted by sharks or sea lions sometimes and they just sort of float there like ‘oh bother’ as it happens

Even funnier, because they eat nothing but jellyfish they’re really low in nutritional value anyway, so they basically survive by being not worth eating because they’re like a big floating rice cracker wrapped in leather.

So basically the only reason natural selection hasn’t taken care if them is because they are the most useless fish

yes, they’ve perfected uselessness to the point of being unstoppable

a true inspiration

I bet they are secretly thinking some big fish thoughts.

Blessed image 

I love this big dumb fish

Casual reminder that to this day, literally NOBODY has really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like.

WHY AREN’T WE TALKIN BOUT THISS???

What the fuck does this even mean

Am I having a stroke

Optimistic nihilism only lads

The universe is an open ended sandbox rpg. There’s no end goal. You can only get achievements. Some of them include making other people happy

My dad told me a story recently about how he was in Boy Scouts or something and they went on a hike and were each given a rifle and one single bullet to practice shooting with (idk, it was the 70s or whatever). One of his friends, whom I’ll refer to as Steel Balls for reasons that will soon become clear, beckons my dad to a part of the woods and points to a giant hornets nest up in a tree. SB announces that he’s going to shoot it, waits for my dad to take cover (as one should in this situation), and fires off his only round into the nest. Sure enough, a swarm of pissed off hornets descend upon SB, who stands stoically and perfectly still at the base of the tree. Dad maintains that, despite their buzzing right around him, none of the hornets stung his friend, and they soon calmed down and returned to their newly renovated nest. SB turns back to face my dad and imparts this chunk of wisdom: “That’s the secret to dealing with hornets, Jim. They don’t know humans make rifle shots; they don’t know where the noise came from. You gotta stand still and don’t move, and they won’t chase you. If you run, they know you’re guilty.” Apparently dad was so awed he gave up his single bullet so SB could shoot the nest a second time, with the same results.

Long story short: hornets can sense guilt and there are people in the world who have tested this theory.