I want to come home to you

But I don't know where on earth you are

i pick at my skin hoping to pry out the maggots that have infected my mind, before they reach my beating heart. i try to control these compulsive thoughts, an itch that scratches from within- but the parasite has intruded and already made a home long before my human form took place. call it generational flees. call it genetic infection. damaged goods from rotting fruit: my birthright.

some days i sit very cold on the couch wondering when these wounds will heal. when will i forget these memories? why do i hold on

I imagine myself

gliding amongst the stars. Dragging my index finger across the sky as glitter shakes from the clouds and kisses my cheeks softly. It feels warm with a cool breeze as I make my way upwards towards a place no one will find me. A place where I can only hear my heart and the smallest of God’s creatures making their way home. Just like me. This wasn’t home, but it felt so familiar. The way the grass felt, the flowers danced in the wind, the water humming. Where am I? I never want to find out. I just want to be here. Close to God and the moon. 

I could never leave these open fields that welcomed me like a mother’s embrace. I could curl up in a ball wherever I please without a worry in my mind if whether or not I was loved by the right people, fulfilling expectations, presenting myself properly.... I wouldn’t have to file through a catalogue of personalities for specific scenarios. What was enough was me just being me.  

This is how I imagine dying to be. 💛