executive dysfunction is telling yourself for two and a half hours that you need to shower bc you smell like your workplace and you absolutely Cannot do Anything Else until you shower, doing Any Other Thing before showering is illegal!!! but you still haven’t for some reason??? you’ve just been sitting on your bed in a towel scrolling tumblr for 2+ hours thinking “I need to shower right now immediately” and growing increasingly frustrated that you are still not clean and you haven’t eaten or done your laundry either

ok actually no I’m reblogging this because a) I am clean now (and I smell amazing, thank you), and b) I had a heckin Realize and I wanted to share it with y’all in the hopes it’ll help someone else with a brain like mine.

I figured something out about myself a long time ago– it’s only just now occurred to me that I was in fact solving a problem caused by executive dysfunction, and I haven’t been implementing this solution lately because my brain went “that’s a relatively new term to me and therefore a Different problem that requires a Different solution”. thanks a lot, brain.

anyway, long long ago, before I knew these fancy schmancy Official words, the problem, as I phrased it to myself, was such: 

sometimes I get Stuck. I was doing something, or on my way to doing something, and then… I just. got stuck.

“Stuck” looks like refreshing my feed or dashboard repeatedly. or it looks like staring at a spot on the wall. or chewing my fingernails. or picking at a stubborn sticker. all the while, my brain drifts through various unrelated topics I wouldn’t be able to recall if asked. sometimes I can get Stuck for hours before realizing I am Stuck. sometimes I get so Stuck that I go to bed that way (feeling especially bad for being unproductive) and I have to just reset everything by sleeping.

one day I asked myself, “why is this happening? why am I stuck, right now, at this moment in time?” the answer, as it turns out, was pretty simple: I was trying to make a decision, and I got distracted. I haven’t moved forward because I haven’t answered that one question or made up my mind.

let me rephrase this in terms of executive dysfunction: many people have expressed that it feels like knowing you need to do a thing but not feeling “ready” to do it. many with ADHD may also be familiar with the feeling of needing things to be “just so” before you embark on a task- you need your setup to look a certain way, or you need to set a timer, or have the right music playing, etc.

when I get Stuck it’s often because I got lost somewhere in that setting-up process, and my brain took the opportunity to nyoom off into Distraction Town.

getting myself Unstuck is solved, 95% of the time, by tracing my steps back to the original decision I was trying to make- often something small and inane- and then troubleshooting from there. (out loud! verbal processing is totally punk.) 

so!!! in the case of my first post, where I hadn’t showered for 2 hours? turns out I had been trying to decide what music to listen to in the shower. (another hack: my chances of getting Stuck while showering decrease by 75% if I have music playing to help me keep track of time.) I couldn’t immediately make up my mind, got lost in thought, got distracted, and drifted. once I stopped and asked- “why am I stuck?”-  then I remembered- “oh yeah! I wanted to listen to music”-  and then decided- “I want to listen to Daft Punk’s Discovery album”- I was finally heckin able to shower. and also eat, and also throw my clothes in the dryer.

and may I add I only zoned out once, during the slow part of “One More Time.” :P

I’m not saying this is a foolproof method. sometimes I don’t have a reason for being stuck, and that’s okay! I’m also not saying this is how every adhd brain works. it’s just how my brain works, and I’m sure there’s at least a few who can relate. for those few, I hope this helps!!

a lot of people are reblogging the original post without the update and leaving frustrated comments and that makes me sad! if I can find ways to hack my brain than so can you! executive dysfunction is a real and frustrating challenge, but don’t buy the lie that there’s no way to work with it or around it!!!

adhd culture is doing something just slightly to the left of what you intended to do

me: i’m going to make coffee & play a cellphone game :)

adhd: 

If you’re autistic, trust your gut instincts. If you don’t feel like going to a party, don’t go. If you don’t like someone but can’t figure out why, stay away from them. If you have a bad feeling about a situation, just stay away from it. There’s probably a good reason for it.

I know I reblogged this before, but I have to again because so, so many people will try and exploit the fact that you’re autistic; to convince you that your instincts are wrong. They’ll say “how can you know that person is bad, that party will be bad - you’re autistic and autistic people are bad at reading social situations!” 

and don’t buy that for a second. Literally every time someone has made me rethink that and I did the thing, it ended up being a very uncomfortable situation at the least. Don’t do it, fam. 

I think autistic people have a very good gut-instinct. But  ordinary people use autism as  a way to doubt yourself. And later on when your instincts say ‘bad’, you are already conditioned to ignore it. Then the same people who forced you to ignore your instincts will  blame you for being taken advantage of. Or how autistic people can not be trusted, because see here, they can not spot abusers! Yeah, because we  were punished and forced to work against our instincts  until discomfort became normal and we were unable to see danger any longer. And it is a damn hard process to unlearn that. And painfull when you realise how badly you have been harmed by it, how much easier your life could have been if people hadn’t forced you to work against your instincts and comforts.

While this is from the Autism Women’s Network, it includes other genders as well.

why is everything so heavy?

that thursday feeling.

reading depressioncomix inspired me to do a little comic about my own day-to-day experience.

I’ve seen some comments on this being like “Oh he’s way too active this isn’t how severe clinical depression works!” which makes me a little sad because implying everyone’s experience of depression must be just like yours is insulting. This comic is about how depression still deeply affects me despite my attempts at a normal life but that it becomes almost mundane, you take a break to cry and scream and feel sorry for yourself but then you have to go back to doing whatever. I have almost no energy but I gotta live.

Saying you need to constantly be at your lowest and most dysfunctional in order to have Real Clinical Depression isn’t realistic. Learning to cope with this illness that will likely haunt me my whole life isn’t a bad thing.

autistic culture is using gifs and reaction images so you don’t have to spend any time or energy constructing a response

Toward a Behavior of Reciprocity

This isn’t as directly related to the theme of shame as most things I post here, but I keep coming back to the idea that I should post something about it. Toward a Behavior of Reciprocity by autism researcher Morton Ann Gernsbacher is an academic paper, but instead of describing new research it’s mostly a critique of problems with mainstream autism research and therapy. 

Reading this paper was surprisingly emotional for me. In a thoughtful, academic way, Gernsbacher describes some of the most painful parts of autism stigma and shows why they aren’t true. I seriously recommend reading this paper to anybody who was bullied or labelled a “problem kid”.

Her main point is that people apply the ideas of “social reciprocity” and “social skills” unfairly. People blame things like the bullying of autistic children on autistic children not having social skills, as if the people bullying us have nothing to do with it. As if being a bully isn’t a violation of social rules too.

Gernsbacher says:

“Other items on the Social Reciprocity Scale [a checklist developed by researchers to measure autistic children’s social skills] illustrate the thesis of this article: Some professionals have forgotten the true meaning of reciprocity. Consider the item, “is regarded by other children as odd or weird.” This item appears to measure other children’s lack of social or emotional reciprocity. Regarding another child as odd or weird implicates the regarder—not the target child—as lacking in empathy or understanding.”

The rest of the paper goes through several other examples of researchers, teachers and parents who “lack reciprocity” toward autistic people, including some descriptions of ABA therapy. Then it explains some research that shows how much reciprocity and understanding from parents, teachers, etc. can help autistic people. That seems like an obvious thing, but it’s cool to see research that proves it.

Fuck, that hurt to read. I was severely bullied in grade school, and I only remember from the adults there who were supposed to help me and protect me saying “well, maybe if you were not ”(basically, you)“ they wouldn’t do it”

It was fucking damaging. Even today I have difficulty putting the blame on the actual assholes in my life because I still think to myself “well, maybe if I wasn’t such a clueless fuckin moron”. When stuff happens, like classmates harassing me for “being a sad loser”, my first reflex is still to hate myself and mourn my lack of social skills, rather than get angry that they are disrespecting me with no valid reason to do so.

Stop. Blaming autistic kids for the bullying they’re being put through. For the love of god, stop. Please.

That autistic / ADHD feel when you want to do… something.

I call this “activity cravings” because it’s like when you want a certain food but you aren’t sure which food. But for activities.

Do I want to go for a walk? Play a game? If so, what kind of game? DO I want to make things? Read? Watch tv? A movie?

Hey, Thank you for the words. 

sorry i was late i can’t conceptualize time

Constantly torn between “I can’t ask for help bc then I’m annoying and everyone will be mad” and “I must ask for help at every possible stage because I might do it wrong and then everyone will be mad” ya feel

I like to reframe this question in terms of what makes an autistic high, medium, or low support?

Take me for example.

If I have a meltdown in public and a stranger tries to touch me to calm me down - a common response to an adult sitting on the floor rocking - there is a reasonable chance I will respond violently.

To keep myself and others safe, I need a safe person with me at all times. What support level is that?

I also can do my own grocery shopping, taxes, banking, budgeting, and other money management things more or less ok. I do spend money irrationally but I’ve also never missed rent and only rarely had my electricity turned off. What support level is that?

I take medications that keep me alive, if I forget to take it I will throw a clot and have a heart attack or stroke. If I don’t get my medication levels checked weekly, I run the risk of spontaneous internal bleeding in any of my organs. I haven’t had my levels checked in six months, and I forget my meds once or twice ever two or three weeks. What support level am I?

I can drive, I attend college, I am a freelance writer, public speaker, and disability activist. I regularly engage in highly verbal activities despite really not liking talking. My biggest project is currently planning a panel on Autistic gender diversity at an annual gender conference, and a possible paid research project on queer diversity representation in video games. What support level am I?

When I livd on my own, I do not take my medications, I do not remember to eat, I am too afraid of the water to shower, I never brush my teeth, I rarely get of bed except to go to work. With my wife here, I remember to take my meds, I only forget to eat half the time, but usually eat 90% of the time bc she reminds me, still have issues with the shower, but I can do it more frequently - on good months almost daily. I will brush my teeth when reminded, and I’m regular the first person out of bed. What support level am I?

The point here is that I need support, but how much I need caries contextually. Some of this support is involves just having a person around to watch - I see them do a thing like eat, and I remember to do so myself. Some of it is literally life saving. I HAVE to have a person to remind me of my medications. If I dont, I will die.

So. What support level am I?

Every autistic is a unique person with equally unique needs. Supporting us, if we need aupport, is often going to be a wide range of simple, low support to complicated high levels of support. Placing us strictly in one category or the other grossly misrepresents us - and for some us (such as with me and my medication) assuming support levels can literally kill us.

This is why support for autistics should always be considered in terms of individual needs, rather than broadly defined categories of support.

I recommend this as a school stim! It’s just a flash drive that can rotate. I put mine on a necklace chord so it’s easily accessible. I just rotate the drive, and voila, stimming.

Teachers can’t/are less likely to take it away since it’s a school material too!

i should,,,,,stop,,,,,projecting my insecurities onto other people via assuming they think the same things about me that I think about myself and feeling rejected and heartbroken because of it

How do you (“how does one”) shop for a therapist?

Can you call up a therapist and be like “hi, I’m therapist shopping”? Can you schedule an appointment with a therapist and then be like “actually I have some questions and I want to spend part of this appointment talking about your practice and whether or not it is garbage?”? Are you expected to phone interview/screen your therapists if you are shopping around for a therapist?

If you’re seeing one therapist are you supposed to/not supposed to tell them if you start seeing another therapist? Is it possible to cheat on your therapist?

I know this one! Or, at least, I know a way to do it, because I’ve done it.

1) When you call them up (or email them, which I prefer, because PHONE, EW), you ask if they’re taking new patients.

2) If they say yes, say something along the lines of “Great! I’m looking for a new therapist. Would it be possible for me to schedule an appointment so we can see whether we’d be a good fit for one another?”

3) Assuming everything is a go, head over to the appointment. Bring your notebook, pen, and questions. Also, if possible, have a very brief rundown prepared of what you’d like to accomplish with your therapy (or even what you think your biggest issues are).

4) Introduce yourself. Reiterate that you want to see if the two of you would be a good fit, so [a nice little social laugh or smile here, while holding up your notebook] you brought questions.

5) Give the rundown of what you want, what your issues are, whatever. See how they react.

6) Ask your questions — about their therapeutic approach, why they entered the field, whether they feel comfortable working with *your* needs (I, for instance, specifically told my awesome therapist that I needed her to tell me absolutely nothing about her personal life or experiences — as much as possible, I needed a blank wall to bounce things off of. It’s been years now, and I THINK she’s seen at least a couple of episodes of Doctor Who. I THINK. That’s all I’ve got. It’s amazing).

7) By this point, you’ve probably hit the 45 minute mark, and you’ll know if you want to see this person again.

Regarding current therapists: If they’re toxic, get rid of ‘em before you even start interviewing others. Nobody needs that kind of garbage. Otherwise, you could keep seeing them while you interview others, and then the second you find one you like (and you schedule your next appointment), get rid of your current one. You don’t have to say why — just say that you’d like to cancel future appointments. Do it over email, if you want. If you like them, you can tell them that you just need something different now, but that you “really appreciate all the work we’ve done together” or something. If you don’t like them, just cancel. They don’t need to know jack.

So that’s my philosophy/style with regard to therapist shopping — I may be completely wrong, but it’s worked for me so far. Good luck!

This is really good advice

Yes, very good advice!

One thing that always bugs me when parents are trying to evaluate whether or not their teenage kids will ever be able to live without them is I don’t think any of them consider that they might be the problem…

Which is totally understandable because why would you ever think that you being there and helping your child is actually hurting them?

But I know for a fact that I have about double the number of spoons when I am living on my own compared to when I’m living with my parents.

Like, the entire downstairs of my house is open plan and I am so anxious that I cannot be downstairs when someone else is.

My mum works from home most of the time so that means that I shut myself in my room and I don’t feed myself or do any chores like taking down dirty dishes to go in the dishwasher.

And trying to work around other people’s bathroom routines usually means that I can’t actually brush my teeth or shower when I have the executive functioning to do so.

I got my diagnosis around the time I moved out on my own for the first time so it’s not as if anyone can retroactively say that I’m incapable of living on my own but there have been times since I moved back in with my parents (so that I could afford to do my masters degree) when it has been heavily implied that my parents don’t necessarily think that I’m particularly good at looking after myself.

This is despite the fact that every time they go away for a weekend, they come back to an immaculate house, with all of the chores done and me actually eating healthily.

I dunno, it’s not really a major problem for me, but I can imagine that it would be if I had been diagnosed earlier, so I can’t help but wonder how many parents insist that their child couldn’t live without them, when they are actually holding their child back…

neurodivergent people: fidget toys help us focus better and calm us down :) the antis two days later: aCTUALLY SCIENCE(!) PROVES YOU’RE LYING *pulls out mediocre, unaudited article* HA, GOTCHA!!!!

Are you telling me that there are fidget toy antis

Will this hellsite every fucking find its chill jesus christ